Unexpected you

Chapter 1

As Shawn prepared for another night out, I sat on my bed with my notebook in hand, pretending to go over my list of chores. I'm sweating, my heart is pounding, and I'm dreading the conversation that I should have started earlier, but haven't found the courage to begin. No matter how many times I've gone through different scenarios in my head on how to go about this, I know that one wrong word could ruin everything. So.... here I sit, silently coaching myself on the right words to use. It's been a little over a year since I started preparing for this moment, and last night I convinced myself that if I let one more day pass, I would most likely chicken out and never go through with it. But I'm so angry with myself because I haven't done what I said I would. As I feared, It's eight pm, the day is almost over, and my life is still controlled.

I'm growing desperate now, and beyond annoyed with the lack of privacy in this house. It seems like every time I find an opportunity to execute my plan, I'm stifled by some kind of interruption. Shawn has always had this annoying habit of leaving the front door unlocked, and mostly everyone we knew usually walked right in, without so much as a knock. Of course—as luck would have it, that's been the case all day. I remember a time when conversing with Shawn was easy. Back then, our time spent together strolling the neighborhood and talking was great. We clicked so well.  What I would give to go back to those first few months in high school. When we would talk for hours about anything and everything. When we were also good friends. But those days are long gone, and now, I find myself constantly walking on eggshells. Always afraid of someone who's extremely moody and angers easily.

When I notice Shawn slipping his phone into his back pocket, I start to panic. He's about to walk out the door, so I better speak now or forever hold my peace. SHAWN! I yelled as I  jumped to my feet. He turns to look at me in the way that he always does. As if my words or presence has just ruined his life. Could you give me a moment? I courageously asked. His scowling gaze bounces back and forth from the door knob to my eyes. Now Cheyenne? You've been sitting here in silence just scribbling away on that notepad for the past hour. You definitely had more than enough time to tell me whatever the hell you wanted to say. But no-- you want to start a conversation just before I walk out the door? I pause for a quick second, swallow, then reply. Yes... it's important and it can't wait. I really am trying my best to sound serious and confident, but my voice betrays me and the words come out with a crack. SPILL CHEYENNE! Shawn yells in a bothered tone. As he places both hands on the back of his head, and continues to look impatient as ever. 

Damn! I'm so nervous, my throat is dry, and I feel like I could easily go into a coughing attack at any moment. So before I continue, I pause to take a drink of the warm water that's been sitting on my nightstand since yesterday evening. I want to break up! I finally confess. The words come out so rushed, that I wonder if he understood what I said. Looking into his eyes, I realize that he does. They hold a slight squint, while half of his mouth is displaying a smirk. That's the look someone gives you when they're not believing your words. I suppose I could have sounded a bit more convincing. Instead, I was fiddling my fingers and staring at the floor. I just couldn't look at him as I began to speak. I admit there's a part of me that continues to fear Shawn, and what he might do, but I'm so fed up with my situation, and I'm beyond ready to make this important change in my life. I can't live like this forever and I know that Sophie and  I deserve better. So I won't back down, not this time.

When Sophie was born, I vowed to always protect her. I promised to shield her from Shawn's and my toxic relationship. But here we are, a year later and it's all she sees. It is not okay that she has to watch me cry myself to sleep almost every single night. It's not okay that she has to witness her father's destructive behavior, every time he goes into his rants and rages. It's time for me to dig myself out of this hell hole I've allowed myself to fall into.