Unexpected you

Chapter 1

As Shawn prepares for another night out, I sit on my bed with my notebook in hand, pretending to go over my list of chores. I'm sweating, my heart is pounding, and I'm dreading the conversation that I should have started earlier, but haven't found the courage to do. No matter how many times I've gone through different ways in my head on how to go about this, I know that one wrong word could ruin everything. So.... here I sit, silently coaching myself on the right words to use. It's been a little over a year since I started preparing for this moment, and last night I convinced myself that if I let one more day pass, I would most likely chicken out and never go through with it. But I'm so angry with myself because I haven't done what I said I would. As I feared, It's eight pm, the day is almost over, and my life is still controlled.

I'm growing desperate now, and beyond annoyed about the lack of privacy in this house. It seems like every time I find an opportunity to execute my plan, I'm stifled by some kind of interruption. Shawn has always had this annoying habit of leaving the front door unlocked, and mostly everyone we knew usually walked right in, without so much as a knock. Of course—as luck would have it, that's been the case all day. I remember a time when conversing with Shawn was easy. Back then, our time spent together talking was great, and it never led to verbal or physical fights. What I would give to go back to those first few months in high school. When we would talk for hours about anything and everything. When we were also good friends. Those days are long gone, and now, I find myself constantly walking on eggshells. Always afraid of someone who's extremely moody and angers easily.

When I notice Shawn slipping his phone into his back pocket, I start to panic. He's about to walk out the door so I better speak now or forever hold my peace. SHAWN! I yell jumping to my feet. He turns to look at me in the way that he always does. As if my words or presence has just ruined his life. Could you give me a moment? I finally say. His scowling gaze bounces back and forth from the door knob to my eyes. Now Cheyenne? You've been sitting here in silence scribbling on that notepad for the past hour. You definitely had more than enough time to tell me whatever the hell you wanted to say. But no-- you want to start a conversation just before I walk out the door? I pause for a quick second, swallow, then reply. Yes... it's important and it can't wait. I really am trying my best to sound serious and confident, but my voice betrays me and the words come out with a crack. SPILL CHEYENNE! Shawn yells in a bothered tone. As he places both hands on the back of his head, and continues to look impatient as ever.

I'm nervous, my throat is dry, and I feel like I could easily go into a coughing attack any moment. So before I continue, I pause to take a drink of the warm water that's been sitting on my nightstand since yesterday evening. I want to break up! I finally confess. The words come out so rushed, that I wonder if he understood what I said. Looking into his eyes, I realize that he does. They hold a slight squint, while half of his mouth is displaying a smirk. That's the look someone gives you when they're not believing your words. I suppose I could have sounded a bit more convincing. Instead, I was fiddling my fingers and staring at the floor. I just couldn't look at him as I began to speak. I admit there's a part of me that continues to fear Shawn, and what he might do. But I'm so fed up with my situation, and I'm beyond ready to make this important change in my life. I can't live like this forever and I know that Sofie and I deserve better. So I won't back down, not this time.

When Sofie was born, I vowed to always protect her. I promised to shield her from Shawn's and my toxic relationship. But here we are, a year later and it's all she sees. It is not okay that she has to watch me cry myself to sleep almost every single night. It's not okay that she has to witness her father's destructive behavior, every time he goes into his rants and rages. It's time... time I dig myself out of this hell hole I've allowed myself to fall into.

Shawn takes three steps and stands directly in front of me, breaking me away from my thoughts and causing me to go into high alert mode. It's instinctive. Because whenever he's this close, something bad usually follows. Common Cheyenne. He says with a chuckle. I don't have time for this, and you've done this shit before. You did it a few times last year, and again last month. I know you. You go through these phases and you claim you're leaving, but you and I both know that you're not going anywhere. You don't want to, and I won't let you, so stop wasting my time because I'm already running late. Suddenly... I can feel the burn of anger taking over my body. The tingling sensation makes its way from my head down to my toes. I'm mad... mad as hell that he isn't taking me seriously. But I suppose I'm to blame for most of what I go through. This is the outcome of allowing someone to treat you, the way that I've been treated for years.