Unexpected you

Chapter 36

I have been abandoned by my father and Beaten up by a boy I thought loved me, but nothing, absolutely nothing has ripped me apart like letting go of Lucas for the second time has. Being with him made my heart feel so whole. Like I could breath and survive anything in this world. He was everything and he mended me stitch by stitch until every insecurity I had was gone. Holding him felt right, kissing him felt right, being with him felt right. But it wasn't. I was being foolish and selfish to think that we could be together and that all would be alright. Nothing would have been okay if his family resented me for holding Lucas back. Heck! I would have resented myself as well, and that's no way to continue our relationship.

I'm thankful for the strength God has given me thus far, but I need more of it these days. I need help surviving this drowning ache I wake up, and fall asleep with every single day. I watched a movie the other day. Locked in my room with tissues on hand and a pint of ice cream. A young girl fell in love with an older boy who, deep down inside she knew she couldn't have. She was fourteen and he was four years older. She tried to kiss him, tried to be with him, but the boy wouldn't allow it. Because In the eyes of an adult, this wasn't right. But the two became friends, very quickly, and eventually the boy started to develop feelings for her as well.

It wasn't easy at first because the boy was still bothered by the age difference. After kissing her for the first time, he felt something more. Still, he did his very best to fight his sudden feelings for the girl, all the while remaining her good friend. Time passed and they continued to spend time together, but when the possibility of a relationship resurfaced again, the boy met her older sister. She was beautiful and nineteen years old, just like him. He become enamored with her, and the two started a secret relationship. Growing in love as he and the younger sister grew further apart. I remember feeling so hurt for the younger sister, but as the movie came to an end, my tears were shed for the older sister instead. Because the boy died in a tragic accident, and she lost him forever.

I cried my eyes out watching that movie, and I realized, that sometimes life has its own plan. That no matter how much you feel deserving of someone's love, if  your life doesn't have this plan for you, then it will never be. I wanted to be with Lucas, more than anything I've ever wanted. I imagined getting married and having two more babies with him when the time was right. Buying an old house that we would rehab into our dream home, then growing old in it. We spoke of that before. Lucas and I were fascinated with watching shows on restoring vintage houses, and we dreamed of doing this ourselves. I could picture us on a wooden swing, sipping lemon iced tea and watching our grand kids playing on the lawn. I would tell him. It felt so good looking forward to having a future with a good man.