Unexpected you

Chapter 25

My night was long, pretty rough, and I barely got any sleep. I experienced brain overload all night long with thoughts of Lucas not calling after what we did, Elaina finding out about us, school, and getting my own place. Mostly though, I kept struggling with my sweaty skin sticking to this old leathery couch. Needless to say, I'm extremely exhausted.

I have a lot of thinking and considering to do this morning. Like why and how did I let this relationship go so far? And— what to do from this point forward. How did I get here? Honestly, I can't even recall the very moment when Lucas and I decided to continue seeing each other. It just happened that way. And to be honest, it had all felt so natural. Like a hand and glove. We fit, you and I— like a hand and glove. Lucas had said to me one day. It was the most romantic thing I had ever heard, and now, I can't believe I bought into his words.

Eleven months ago. I say out loud to remind myself. That's when I embarked on a journey to break free and focus on Sofie, my education and myself. I had been doing so good and was becoming stronger and stronger by the day. Learning to defend myself, and stand on my own two feet. Until Lucas came into my life and became my Achilles heel. But despite the outcome, I think a part of me would always be grateful for Lucas. In the time we spent together, he was wonderful, affectionate and a loving man. He encouraged me and made me feel happy again. So I suppose I can move on without any regrets or I'll feelings towards him.

As I bring my hands up to my face to rub my eyes, I notice a faint mark on my hand. I forgot about this. This little red heart drawn onto my palm by Lucas just a few days ago. Wait..... maybe it wasn't a lie. Maybe something happened and that's why he hasn't been able to call. God I'm so torn, and I don't know what to think. Because my head is telling me to run, but after seeing this, my gut tells me that I might be wrong about Lucas. As I stare out the window watching the people go by, I realize that none of it matters. At the end of the day, I know what has to be done. Especially when we're on day two with no word  from Lucas.

Can you grab the mail, Cheyenne? I just realized that we never checked our mailbox yesterday. Elaina yells out from the kitchen. Okay. I reply as I bend side to side, trying to work out the kinks in my back and shoulders. We really should consider buying a new sofa. This one was a hand me down from my uncle anyway and there's a few small tears on the left arm rest as well. Yeah—we should definitely get rid of it.

The mailbox is full this morning. Some bills, junk mail, coupons, a magazine and a letter with my first name written across the middle. How strange. I think to myself as I rush up the stairs to open it. It read. I worked a double shift today to cover for a friend. Also, I lost my phone yesterday. It's eleven twenty eight pm and you're probably asleep, so I will see you tomorrow. XOXO. There's no name on it but Im positive that Lucas wrote this.

I feel horrible! I had gone to bed last night upset and silently cursing Lucas out, because I assumed he had used me. That perhaps this was all a game to him and I was too stupid to realize. But now, I find myself wondering—why was I so quick to think that way about him? Maybe I let my emotions cloud my mind. I mean, it's not like Lucas had ghosted me for days or weeks, and he truly doesn't come off as a person who would just sleep with a girl and never call her back. Well, unless that was the plan on both sides. Great! Now I feel horrible.

I read the letter for a third time, slowly and carefully, and my stomach begins to hurt. I was so angry that I didn't think to give him the benefit of the doubt. And that's not like me at all. Im a bigger mess than I thought I was. So what was in the mailbox? Elaina asks. Oh—Uhm, bills and other junk. I quickly replied. And this? She asks. Reaching in and grabbing the letter I didn't realize I was still holding on to. Lucas? She asks as she flips the paper around. Perhaps trying to find a name from the sender.

I never answered her question. I just stood from my seat and walk into my room, where I begin to pull my bed sheets off of the mattress. What's going on Cheyenne? Elaina is standing at my doorway now looking quite confused. I think I made a big mistake and I'm feeling quite upset about it. Talk to me Chy—maybe I can help. I look over at my dear friend who has always been there for me and I say. I think I need to leave this apartment. As soon as possible. Cheyenne—where is this coming from?

I take a deep breath and release a long exhale. I slept with Lucas! I blurted out. WHAT? Elaina shouts. Yes, I did. Also, he and I have spoken on the phone every single day, but he hasn't called since we—you know. Is that what's bothering you? Elaina questions. I'm not sure. I think I'm more bothered by the fact that I really believed he used me, and I was ready to let him go and move on. But now—I get this letter and....and I just don't know what to do.

Whoa whoa! Slow down there, Chy. I thought you guys made out a little here and there. I didnt know you and Lucas slept together. She's shocked over this revelation. She knows me well and sleeping with a guy so quickly isn't something that I would do. Well, I kinda left that part out when I finally confessed all I had been doing  with Lucas. I confess. I hope Elaina doesn't think differently of me, because now I'm just looking like someone she can't depend on for the truth.

Cheyenne, you don't have to tell me everything, but I will ask for your honesty now. Do you really like Lucas? Because if you do, I think it's okay to be with a guy like him. The boys have nothing but great things to say about him and I've always known him to be a stand up guy. And I believe that he has a good excuse for not calling you. If you're both enjoying each other, and as long as you're both being VERY careful, I don't see why you need to stop seeing him.

I appreciate her understanding but I  can't continue to see Lucas. We were just having a fun, E. Nothing serious. Just a casual hookup whenever we felt like seeing each other. Then I don't understand. I mean why are you're so bent out of shape over this. Wait! Come to think of it, this all makes sense now. All that moping you did yesterday, and your frustration this morning makes sense now.

Elaina hands me a hot cup of coffee, and then make a cup for herself. Let's go to your room while the kids watch a movie, Cheyenne. You can tell me all that you're ready to tell me, and hopefully I can give you the advice that you need. As soon as we entered my room, I Began to spill. I told her so much that had happen. More importantly, I answered her question. I guess that I'm bent out of shape because I can't be distracted by a guy now, and that's exactly what's happening. I literally spent the entire day yesterday stressing over Lucas not calling me. I let myself get swept away again and I need to get myself back into focus. Lucas is exactly the type of distraction that I don't need.

I sit on my bed, exhausted and completely bothered with myself, and Elaina sits next to me. I get it Cheyenne. And you did have a plan for yourself that included a lot of goals, but you don't have to move out. But I do, E, and I can't risk seeing Lucas again. I say as the tears start to roll down my cheeks. I don't mean to be such a cry baby over this, but I feel so stupid and disappointed with myself. Oh Chy...you really did fall for him didn't you? I did- was I stupid? Not at all Cheyenne. He really was wonderful, E. Such a breath of fresh air. Everything I've always wanted. But I can't do this anymore. I can't sidetrack from my goals.

Elaina looks at her empty mug and then at her nails. I just sit there— waiting for her to say something. After a long minute, she stands and says. Well—If you wanna know what I really think, if you want my advice, here it goes. I think it's possible to achieve your goals and still have a place for him in your life. You deserve happiness and there's nothing wrong with having someone as a companion. But if you feel it's best to move out and move on, then I'll support you in whatever you decide. Only you know what you're willing and able to handle. Thank you for talking with me Elaina. I love you. I love you too Cheyenne.