Unexpected you

Chapter 9

    UGH! Why is my mouth so freaking dry, and why is my head pounding like this? The results of too much drinking and lack of sleep, I suppose. I really shouldn't mix my drinks the way that I did last night, and I need to remember that I'm not used to drinking the way that my friends are. To make matters worse, its only seven am and it already feels like it's ninety degrees outside. I know we're in for a hot uncomfortably day, and I'm not looking forward to it at all. After an hour of staring at my ceiling, I finally drag myself out of bed to fetch some ice cold water, and a few Advil's that I'm hoping will cure this terrible migraine. A bath is needed as well. Because my hair reeks of cigars and weed, which is odd seeing that I don't smoke.

As I allow the cool water from the shower head to fall down my back, I begin to recall some of the events of last night. I can't remember everything that happened, but I might've washed my armpits in someone's bathroom sink. I take a deep breath and I cringe at the thought. I hope that was only a dream and not something that actually happened. I'd hate to think that I would do such a thing. Anyway, I also remember seeing Lucas a few times, and he might've been sitting on a couch looking at me at some point, but I'm not sure. I was occupied cleaning up something off of the floor, but I can't remember why or what. Ugh! Is this what drinking too much beer and vodka does to you? If so, I'm never going to drink like that again.

I wonder if Lucas was in fact eyeing me last night or if it was just my imagination. He looked so good in his denim jeans and white T-shirt last night, and I wish I had the guts to talk to him, but I'm not so brave. As far as "good times" with a guy goes, I'm afraid that all I have are my fantasies. Lucas walking me over to the sofa and guiding me as I straddle his legs. He would grip my body so tight and kiss me with a feverish hunger. His hands would run up and down my back and he would carefully undo my bra. At the sight of my breast falling free, he would moan and bring his mouth to my nipple. Licking and sucking in the most sensual way. I'd be a panting mess kissing his neck and sucking at the skin just above his collarbone. I'd—I would—what the fuck am I thinking? Lucas would guide me into a straddle position and I'd be a panting mess? Good lord I need help!

I have never ever fantasized this way before. Damn.... this boy has taken me a block away from reality, and into the neighborhood of crazy! And the funny thing is, that we've never spoken at all. I blame those eyes...those gorgeous blue eyes. Maybe I should just make a move on him already. Just to see where it goes. And I'm not saying that I'll be looking for anything serious, but I think I would benefit from a little adult fun with him. And why not? Why shouldn't I allow myself some play time with a hottie like Lucas? Of course, that's assuming he would be interested in me as well. Honestly, I'm surprised at myself and my thoughts these days. I know the old Chayenne would never think this way, but I have a plan for the new me. She is going to go for what she wants, and not let anyone stand in her way. She is going to enjoy her life and try new things whenever she gets the chance. This  Chayenne will be brave, fun and adventurous.

The speech in my head sounds so great, but when it comes down to it, how far am I willing to go? How brave will I allow myself to be? Especially when it comes down to matters like this. Also, I can't deny that I still don't trust men and I know this will keep me from opening up to anyone new. When I was twelve, my grandmother told me about my grandfather's affair, shortly after my mother was born. It devastated her but she sent him packing and kept the house and their three children. That was fifty eight years ago and she's been alone ever since. I wonder sometimes... will I be the same way? Will I let the actions of the men who were in my life guide my future choices? Will it make me want to stay alone forever? Deep down inside, the relationship I had with Shawn will impact in negative ways any possible fling or romances I might have in the future. I truly believe this. That thought bothers me though, and I hate how he's made me feel about relationships. Well.... I can't put all the blame on Shawn. My Father has played a big role in creating these feelings inside of me as well.