Unexpected you

Chapter 24

The whole day flew by without a single word from Lucas, and it stressed me out in ways I never imagined. I know it's only been twenty four hours, but after Lucas and I did what we did, I was surprised that he made no attempt to communicate with me at all. I mean he and I talked on the phone everyday, so why hasn't he called me? Oh no! Was I just played by a guy? A part of me feels like this is a ridiculous thought, but the truth is, I've only known Lucas for a short period of time. So I won't be naive about the fact that this could be a possibility.

I wasn't sure what had been bothering me the most all morning. The possibility that Lucas could've been behaving a certain way just to get into my pants, or the fact that I had allowed myself to become so involved with another guy during this time in my life. God...when I think of all the important things I put off this month just to sneak off with Lucas—Ugh! It makes me so angry because I'm supposed to be healing and focusing on myself. I wasn't supposed to let a guy come into my world and bring down my walls. Not now.

What's wrong, Chy? You seem distracted. I'm okay, Elaina. I'm just thinking about some important things that are coming up, nothing serious. I responded. I could tell she's not buying the lie, but she doesn't push it, and I'm relieved about that.

It's been a pretty calm day around here. Sofie was well behaved the entire morning and afternoon, and I appreciated that because I really needed her to be. It's great whenever she's ok with staying in her playpen watching movies and playing with her barnyard animal pop up box. I did attempt to take her for a walk earlier today, but she had a fit the minute I tried to pick her up. I even had to climb in to feed her dinner. She was stuck to her playpen today like I was stuck on thoughts of Lucas.

I was glad that there weren't any visitors today. Because I needed some quiet time for reflecting, and I wanted no distractions as I once again reminded myself of the importance of having control of one's life. I shouldn't be so upset. I told myself as I rocked Sofie to sleep. After all, I only wanted to have a little fun with Lucas, and that's exactly what I got.

I need to control the silly thoughts in my head and check my feelings. Still, I can't deny how much I wanted to continue seeing Lucas, and I felt like he wanted the same thing. What did I miss? Was there ever a sign that he was using me and I was too oblivious to see? And how could I be so stupid to think that he would continue seeing me, when relationships aren't really his thing. I knew this— I knew this from the beginning.

When I finally tucked Sofie into bed, I realize that I never got around to washing my bed sheets. Dammit! I don't have a fresh set to make my bed with, and the laundromat is closing in forty five minutes. That doesn't leave me with enough time to walk down the street, and wash and dry my bed sheets and pillow cases. If the situation were different, I'd lay on my bed with the sheets Lucas and I used last night. Breathing in whatever scent was left over from Lucas' sweat and cologne. But I can't allow myself to do that now. Not after what he's done.

I need to focus on moving on and letting go. Remembering the plan I made for myself a year ago. Some part of me wonders if he's thought of me at all today, or if he feels shitty for having sex with me and then ghosting me. I'm an idiot and I'm so angry at myself  myself for getting so worked up over him. We are not a couple! Never talked about it, never planned to be!

After staring at my mattress for way too long, I grabbed my pillows and stepped away from the bed. Deciding right then and there that I would rather sleep on the couch, then lay on the sheets where Lucas and I had—- ugh! I don't even want to say it!

As I toss and turn to find a good position, the images of Lucas kissing me pops into my head. I want to quickly move on and never think about him again, but I fear that it won't be as easy as I want it to be. Every time that I shut my eyes, I see his face, his smile and those beautiful blue eyes. How will I ever find sleep tonight? How can I stop remembering the words he said to me just last week? How he held my hands as he looked me in the eyes said. I crave to see you all the time, baby. I like you so much. He was liar and I a fool!