[3] how did we end up here ;; nh

9 » Long Way Down

New York, United States of America, 25th July 2022

Two days since Avril's tantrum and now we are sitting on the hotel's rooftop, looking at the city lights embedded in New York's skyscrapers combined with vehicles that are passing by on the road. It's 12.21 A.M. and we are still here, on the hotel's rooftop sipping a bottle of wine.

Reminiscing how she used to have an uncontrollable situation and how she needs a sedative to reduce the pain in her mind, my eyes are staring at her feature in full detail while she's sitting right in front of me. We are separated by the square table where a bottle of wine and two glasses are placed.

By staring into her not-so and puffy hazel eyes, to say that she's getting so much better now will be reasonable. Both of the corners of my lips lifted, creating a little smile by listening to her today's activity. I'm glad that she's okay now, at least she can casually speak without being anxious like a few days ago. Her bad dream must be very tangled at that time, in which, I still have no idea what was going on.

I can't help it but losing her doesn't seem like an option to me, I almost lose her to suicide a few years ago and I don't want that to happen, ever again.

She keeps on talking and I just sit still, listening to her. Daydreaming about how I used to kiss those lips a few years ago, the stain of her lipstick still wakes my subconscious to reminisce how they used to feel. It's not about how we almost had sex, it's about the intimacy of that kiss; it was warm, it was safe and sound, and it was an antidote.

Her kiss feels like an antidote to me; when I'm in my intoxicated by my past relationship with Anne and going around to fuck every girl I have met, the moment I kissed her and she admitted that she's a virgin, I stopped kissing her and cuddle her instead until she woke up and found out that we almost slept.

I love the way she's able to silence my demons.

"It's like I'm dumbfounded like I had almost killed myself and the photographer was like 'Hey, I'm really worried about what happened FIVE years ago because the last time I met you almost killed yourself, and maybe the last person you met was me' but it's been like 5 fucking years and he still remembers that, fuck it," she says with an ounce of concern and her tone increases. The second after that, she burst into laughter and punches my left arm and it pretty much hurts. "like, I'm not going to tape my 13 reasons why and say that he's one of the reasons like Hannah Baker."

I groan, she's lucky because I love her. If not, I will kick her ass out of the rooftop and let her stuck on the side of the other skyscraper's rooftop. Shit, does that sound like a premeditated murder? I think so. No, I'm not going to be that extra, though. "Avril I swear that shit hurts so fucking bad, so please stop punching me," I comment as I take a sip of wine.

She lets a little laugh, widening her smile, and showing her neat rows of teeth. "Is it that bad? Or are you overreacting?"

"You remember you're doing boxing, right?"

"I do."

"Right, the boxing thing increases your inner power and when you punch someone, it feels bad."

"Really?" she widens her eyes and punches my right arm once again.

"Fuck you," I murmur and she laughs to mock me. "You know, I could've just kicked your ass out of here and let you stuck helplessly on one of the skyscraper's rooftops here."

"Try," she mocks as she sticks out her tongue. "I swear if I'm making my 13 reasons why tape I will list you as the final reason behind my suicide."

Okay, that's not funny. I'm shivering to remember that Avril almost killed herself once and lying weak in the hospital room, the medical devices surrounding her. "You know, I will make you list me as your 13 reasons to stay alive."