[3] how did we end up here ;; nh

31 » The Plan and Hideous Things

Jakarta, Indonesia, 4th January 2023,

I can't recall the last time I sought advice from anyone about a relationship.

Come to think of it, maybe I never have.

It's just not something I do, except for this.

I know exactly what makes Avril so special to me; it's not just because she's kind — everyone in this world is kind, my exes included, but I've watched her grow up since she was a teenager. I've seen how much she's struggled, how much she's cared for me through it all. It's more than kindness — it's the depth of what we've been through together that sets her apart.

As soon as I finish my online meeting with my lawyer in London, I pull out my phone and quickly text Diana, asking if we can meet up — because we have to talk about Avril and Calum. I'm dying for her advice. I need to know how I can still win Avril over. I can't just let her slip away, and Diana's the one person who might have the answers I need.

Me: DIANA PLS

Me: I NEED YOUR ADVICE !

Me: THIS IS SO URGENT

Me: avril is texting with calum help

Me: can we pls meet ?

In a glimpse of a second, she replies to my texts.

Diana: LOL

Diana: oKKK been a long time not seeing u btw

Diana: is it ok if my bf comes

Diana: probably he can give u a bit of advice

Me: where do ya wanna meet

Diana: uuhhhhmm

Diana: your place?

Me: your bf's gonna be here ?,

Diana: yes

Me: ok

Wincing at what's happening, I can't shake the overwhelming anxiety creeping in. The thought that soon, Avril — my Avril — might be taken away from me is almost unbearable. To me, this goes beyond jealousy; it's this deep fear that she's going to get hurt. I don't want Calum to hurt her — I couldn't even date her myself because I was too afraid of breaking her heart.

I'm such an asshole, am I?

I have to remind myself a hundred times over that I'm not that guy anymore — the guy who slept around to fill the emptiness in his heart, the guy desperately trying to escape a toxic relationship with his ex, the guy who dated women just to numb the longing he felt for someone else. I don't want to be that man anymore.

Well, the truth is, I'm scared. Scared that I'll end up hurting Avril, the one person I can't bear to lose.

I can't afford to lose her because I hurt her.

Perhaps, no one outside the industry truly knows how rotten the music world can be. Groupies, alcohol, and illegal substances were our constant companions back then. I might've stayed away from the drugs, but chasing after groupies at every concert became an addiction I couldn't shake. I could just point at a girl, let security know, and she'd be brought back to my hotel room to spend the night with me.

It wasn't exactly a secret, was it?

But no one ever really knew that I, Niall Horan, was heavily involved.

That's... why you don't believe everything you read on the internet; I was framed as someone pure, the guy who went to church every Sunday, the one who didn't believe in having sex before marriage.