[3] how did we end up here ;; nh

3 » The Lingering of Past

New York, United States of America, 17th July 2022

Sometimes you need someone to mingle with. Someone that you will take out to a recent movie release. Someone that you will sing for your new music. Someone that you will hold before you fall asleep. Someone that you will tell your daily activities without being lazy to listen to. Someone that you will cry on his/her shoulder. Someone that you will take out to try new food in the town. Someone that you will carry when he/she's drunk. Someone that you will never get tired of just by looking at them. Someone that you will never shut up about how beautiful he/she is.

Someone that you think, will end up with forever.

Turns out, this person is not the one that you will mingle with.

Perhaps, after the first encounter, that person will never get rid of your mind.

For me, that person is Anne. I remember our first encounter in 2015, she used to hold me really tight until I thought that she would be the last person I will hold on to. The first to second month felt like a honey month to us, even though I was busy with the On The Road Again Tour and Anne was in her internship at Baker McKenzie, we still managed to keep in touch. We call almost every night, I called her after the show when the others were having fun at the bar, or even when Louis and Zayn were having some chicks around in Bangkok.

I used to tell her everything.

I'm laying down at my apartment in New York City before leaving for London, One Direction's biggest agenda on our eleventh anniversary is finally going to be conducted. Perhaps, in an hour I will go to the airport and, however, somehow I still haven't done anything much. I haven't prepared anything.

My phone rings for a while when I'm still looking at the New York City sky through the giant window of my bedroom. The curtain are tucked back as it reveals the glass of my giant window. The light is dazzling but looked polluted at the same time. This old town has never changed; the skyscrapers are the beautiful view that this town served with a scent of Anne's white musk perfume in my bedroom's air. I know how much Anne used to love white musk, like a lot. The smell of her perfume was still stuck in the air.

Shit, why do I become this pathetic?

Things have never changed since Anne left me alone; I know our relationship was turn on and off, maybe last night it made it clear the fact that she doesn't even want to get back together with me. I know we find the fact that our love is hard; different perspectives, our business, and a few things that perhaps contribute a bit such as me being an asshole to date another woman a few months after our relationship is off and get back together with her a few months after my new relationship.

I don't ever want to lose her touch.

I don't ever want to hurt this much.

But I know, I know I can feel her slipping away and not wanting me anymore. Last night, I went to the club for our first encounter. Someone has got his arm around her and he kissed her right on her lips. The moment I saw what I saw, I let the alcohol overdose my body; I drink too much until I can saw her shadow dancing along with me in my living room.

And I ended up in this room, laying on my bed, wishing to wake up and kiss her; but nobody was there.

There is no flicker of hope that she used to give to me.

Perhaps, this is our 'when there is an encounter, there will be a farewell'.

Well, it's kind of hard, don't you think?

Sometimes, I feel like I'm an asshole. For years and years, I haven't really made it official with Anne so that I can go from one woman to another woman; I went out with Hailee several times and any other women that the media have mentioned. Well, I can tell, Hailee was such a kind girl, I loved her. But Anne remains to stay in my heart, which, somehow, I can't even find a perfect answer to the why quotation.