BIBLE
It's been hours since I sent the text.
Seen and Read.
He's seen the text, even read it but he is yet to respond.
What do you expect him to say?
I run a hand in my hair and fist in frustration. What the hell is wrong with me? We had a date planned and I... I freaked out.
I had every intentions of showing up, I swear, but then my friends showed up just as I was leaving the house and asked where I was going.
I panicked.
I could have lied but I am not that good of a liar and they'd see straight through me. I had the choices of coming clean and confessing that I was going out on a date with a guy or playing it off as nothing.
I chose the latter. And now I am sulking when I'm the one who chose to stand Jeff up.
I chew at my lips, staring at the phone, hoping, praying for a response from Jeff telling me that we are fine or that he doesn't hate me but I get nothing and it's killing me.
Really, there is no worse punishment than silence.
"Dude, you've been staring at the screen all night," one of my friends teases but I don't smile, or even turn to look at them. My soul willing for my phone to the screen to light up with a text.
Someone bumps into me from behind and my phone drop to the hard floor with a loud crash. I stare at it in horror for a few seconds before looking up to see the man who bumped into me smirk.
And then I loose it. All the agitation that has been building up in me all day, suddenly comes to the surface.
His stupid smirk is all it takes for me to get up and punch it off his face. Everything after that happens in a blur and I only come too when cool hair hits me, snapping me back into the present.
"What the hell is wrong with you," War scolds, but I don't look at him, lifting a hard to my cheek and wince when it comes back red.
Fuck!
My manager is not going to like this. We have a photoshoot tomorrow and I can't be messing my face like this.
A tangy taste fill my mouth and I spit out the blood that has pooling in my mouth.
I can't believe I got into a fight. I haven't fought anyone since high school.
"Did anyone record us?" I ask when I feel I've cooled down a bit.
"No, we dragged you out before anyone could tell who you are. You've been this way all day. If you weren't in the mood to go out then you should have told us."
I look away, ashamed at myself for how I've been acting all day.
"I cancelled a date with someone I have a crush on to come out with you guys."
"Well fuck," Nat, the one who rarely speaks in our friend group, says.
"Okay, but why would you do that? Do we know her?"
I swallow at the thought of telling these guys the truth. Un like most of my friends who I've met in the industry, I've known these two all my life. If I can't tell them the truth, then I don't think it'll ever be out.
"You do and it's not... it's not a girl."
The silence that follows proves to be unnerving but I don't dare turn to look at my friends.
"Who?"
"I can't tell you that."
As far as I know, Jeff is not gay and even if he were, then he is not out and I am not about to out him. Even if it's just to my friends.
"So, does that mean you are gay?"
It's on the tip of my mouth to deny it, fight them and argue that I am not gay but... I have a crush on a man. Not just a simple crush but I have sexual feelings so doesn't that automatically make me gay?
"I guess I am but I've only ever had feelings for him and now, I don't think... it doesn't matter anyway."
"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" War asks.
"I stood him up without so much as a text and when I did text, it was to..." just thinking about it has me cringing on the inside. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, let's just forget it."
I start to leave but Nat grabs my arm, stopping me. "Bible, you can't tell us that you are gay and that you stood up a guy you like and just expect us to ignore it."
"Well, I'd rather not talk about it tonight. Besides, it was a simple crush, nothing that'll keep me up at night."
Except I am not as unbothered as I tried to make my friends think.
I stay up all night.
Between the body aches from the fights and thoughts of Jeff, I find it hard to sleep.
A cold shower doesn't help much, I get a snack but I juts nibble on it, my appetite gone. I find that I can't even play a game or watch a movie...
And that's how I find myself outside his house at 2. am in the morning like the confused emotionally stunted person that I am.
I can't let myself have him and yet... I can't quit him.
