BIBLE
When I was eleven years old, I broke my arm and it hurt like hell.
I've heard that a broken heart hurts more than a broken arm and now that I've experienced both, I can confirm that it's true.
The wounds on my hand sting as I clutch tightly on the sterling wheel and tear out of the club's parking lot, not even sure where I am headed.
One thing's for sure...
I can't go home.
I can't walk into an apartment I haven't set foot in close to a week because I spent most of it, at Jeff's. I sort of black out and when I come to, I am not surprised to find myself parked right outside my ex's house. She and I used to date a couple of years ago but have remained friends since.
I sit in the car and contemplate what the hell I am even doing here.
I should go home.
I should just go back to my lonely apartment and sleep off my bad mood but I don't want to be alone.
A knock to the window has me looking up. I meet Fai's eyes through the glass. She is dressed in a silk night gown that is too thin for the morning cold. My eyes trail to her erect nipples and I am suddenly transported to a time when we used to be together. Our sex life had been okay and maybe...
This... maybe this is what I need to forget Jeff.
I push open the car door and get out.
"Wichapas, what the hell are you doing here so early in the morning," she asks worriedly. "Did something happen?"
Yes. Someone broke my heart into a million pieces.
"No," I say closing the car door behind me. "Nothing happened."
I take a step towards her and I watch her visibly tense, her eyes run over my body with undiluted need.
She wants me.
"Hey, Uhm..."
"I need you, Fai," I whisper, leaning in and pressing my lips at the crook of her neck, my hands going around her waist but... she's soft.
She feels all wrong.
"Wichapas..."
"You want me too," I whisper against her ear. "I can feel it."
Fai pushes away from me and when I look down to meet her eyes, it's to see them clouded with desire.
She grabs my hand and I follow her to the house. Her arms go around my neck the second we are inside and her lips press hard against mine but...
Damnit!
She feels so wrong.
She smells all wrong too. Nothing like the smoky minty scent Jeff carries after an early morning shower. Or the cherry scent of his hair.
The ripples of his muscles are never soft when I run my hands on him. His hair is not this long...
Fuck!
I push away from Fai with a curse.
It feels like cheating. Being with someone else, like this, feels like cheating on Jeff even if he and I aren't dating anymore.
"Hey, what happened?" Fai asks, her hands reaching for mine but I move away. Everything about her feels wrong.
She is not who I want.
Not what I need.
"I'm sorry," I say, running my fingers into my hair. "I'm so sorry Fai, none of this is your fault."
"Then what's going on, you're scaring me. You show up here at the crack of dawn when I haven't seen you in months and... you're acting crazy."
Well, that's because I feel like I am losing my mind.
Damn you, Jeff!
"I... I'm sorry Fai. I don't know what got over me. I have no idea why I even showed up here. I guess I was hoping for a place to run to and..."
"It's fine," she says, running a soothing hand on my arm. "You can stay here if you need to clear your mind for a few days."
"But-"
"I don't expect anything from you Wichapas. It's clear you don't want me anymore."
"Fai...."
"No, you don't need to be sorry. It's enough that you thought of me when you needed a safe place."
I nod at her words but I don't want to tell her the truth. I don't want to hurt her with the fact that I don't consider her my safe place anymore.
The one I actually....
No! I am not going to let myself go there.
"Thank you," I chose to say, instead.
I let her lead me to the guest bedroom but she doesn't leave immediately. I run my eyes over her see through night gown, her pink erect nipples visible and... I feel nothing.
She makes some sound that has me looking up to meet her eyes. "You've changed. I used to think you were it for me. That's why it was so easy for me to let you go, because I knew you'd come back after you were done playing the field but now... you don't even desire me anymore."
"I'm sorry, Fai," I say, a sense of guilt overwhelming me.
"It's fine. Maybe you coming here is what I needed to finally move on," her eyes look sad as they stare into mine. "I'll leave you to get some rest. You look like you need it."
I don't say a word as I watch her leave. It's not until the door has closed behind her that I lower myself to the floor, my back to the door.
My mind is on the man I have had a crush on for months now. I tried, right?
Should I have been more patient? More understanding?
Was I rush in ending things between us?
My head falls to my palms as I think of all the different ways, I could have done things tonight. Maybe I should have borne the heartbreak of watching another man flirt with Jeff so I could keep him.
Maybe I should have...
My phone vibrates in my pocket interrupting my thought and I quickly reach for it, my heart hammering in my chest. Maybe it's a text from Jeff.
Is it an apology?
I know I'll forgive him if he apologizes. There's just no way I can keep being mad at him if he apologizes.
My spirit fall when I see the text is from my manager reminding me of the travel plans for Sunday afternoon. I almost forgot that the entire kinnporsche cast will be travelling to the countryside for a retreat of sorts.
I almost want to text my manager to cancel it for me but as one of the major leads on the series, I can't miss it.
My heart aches at the thought of being stuck in a confined space with Jeff. He will no doubt pretend that we were not a thing.
I bet he isn't even heartbroken.
That thought it enough to send another wave of heartache coursing through my chest.
If this is how a broken heart feels, then I'll happily trade it for a broken arm.
