Bible
I just need some sort of assurance that this is the last heartbreak because fuck does it hurt and I can't even blame Jeff for it.
I can't blame anyone but myself for it.
I should have left Jeff before I grew too attached to him.
Speaking of which, I haven't heard from him for hours. I mean, he's been blowing my phone for the last day and a half before suddenly stopping.
Does that mean he's already given into reality? That he is already over me?
Normally, I would be looking for a bag... or a person to punch the shit out of and take control of my frustrations but the events of the last couple of days have left me feeling drained.
The fact that as soon as Jeff left, I had to deal with my manager who was upset that I didn't tell him about mine and Jeff's relationship.
I didn't think he needed to know.
I don't think anyone needed to know but apparently, I was the only one feeling so as people haven't stopped bombarding me with questions about my private life.
About the mysterious guy.
My mystery boyfriend.
I close my eyes and remember the first time I realized my feelings for Jeff. To the rest of us, he'd felt like a celebrity as most of us were newbies to acting and I had been star struck. Here was this gorgeous man with the face of an angel, how could I not fall for him?
The crush was inevitable. I just never thought it would ever result to anything more and now...
How is he dealing with the breakup?
By now, he has to have known that I have no intentions of getting together with him? Is he as miserable as I am? Moping in his apartment or writing music to deal with the breakup?
Maybe he has already moved on and he isn't hurt at all.
"Hey Bible?"
I look up to meet Build's eyes. I didn't hear him walk into the room; I must have been too lost in my head.
I watch him approach where I am lying. He is a very handsome man. He has strong attractive features that would attract anyone to him but I can't help but compare him to Jeff. Where Build cute and adorable, Jeff's looks are simply "sinful".
There is just no other way to look at it.
As Build approaches, I question whether it would have been easy to fall for him instead. People would not have thought much of it from seeing us together. Not like they would if they saw Jeff and I hanging around each other a lot.
"You've been a mess all day. I could have sworn I saw Jeff kiss you goodbye," Build says, sitting on the bed next to me.
"Hmm, he did, but I don't want to talk about Jeff right now."
"Makes sense. What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't know but we could start with why you are here," I say, my eyes on him.
"I came to check up on you. You missed dinner and came straight here. The other guys are worried about you."
"Did they send you after me again? Build, you can't make them bully you into babysitting me."
Build is silent, his eyes on his hands before looking up to meet my eyes.
"I wanted to come too."
"Why?"
"We are friends, are we not?"
"I mean, sure, but...."
"If we are friends then I can come and check on you, see if you are okay, right?"
There is something strange about Build today but I can't point a finger on it. Maybe I am just projecting my own issues onto this interaction.
"I guess so," I say turning so that I am lying on my back and facing the ceiling. The cool breeze coming in through the wind carries with it a salty air and I can't help but think of how romantic this place would be for a vacation.
I close my eyes and imagine coming to this place with Jeff. Just the two of us, taking walks in the beach hand in hand, uncaring of who is watching and...
A firm press of lips against mine has my eyes shooting open. I am frozen on he spot as Build brushes his soft lips against mine. His lips are familiar as he and I have kissed on screen but...
I place a hand on his shoulder and push him gently back, all the while trying to calm my racing heart.
Jeff will kill him if he finds out about this.
Jeff doesn't talk much but he has a mean streak about him that is both thrilling and scary at the same time.
"What are you doing?" I whisper, licking at my lips.
His taste is familiar and yet... he tastes nothing like Jeff.
He's too soft... too gentle.
Wrong.
His lips, they feel wrong against mine.
"Kissing you, I thought you and Jeff were over."
I clear my throat and sit up. To say that I never would have expected this would be an understatement but never in my wildest dream did I ever think Build would kiss me.
"Jeff and I are over but..."
"But you can't get over him?"
That's the understatement of the year. Jeff feels like a permanent tattoo that is going to stay with me forever. Breaking up with him doesn't solve anything but even with that at play...
"I don't want you like that," I say, not meaning to come off so brutally honest but not wanting to drag this any longer than it has already gone.
"Why Jeff? We are in a group of very hot men so why him?"
"I don't know either," I say honestly. I can't even say that I fell for his personality because the man is a cold wall, most of the time. "But...I had no idea you felt this way."
"How would you know when you haven't taken your eyes off Jeff. He is all you ever talk about when he is not around and when he comes in, he is all you stare at."
I can't believe I have been this transparent for this long.
"I guess my feelings have been obvious for a while... unlike yours."
Builds sits upright and stares at the wall, "I like you but it must be the character bleed. Playing as your onscreen partner must have fucked with my brain because I really hate seeing you with Jeff."
I don't know what to tell him. I do believe his is character bleed and even if it's not, there's hardly anything I can do about it.
I already have enough problems as it is.
"I'm sorry," I manage.
"It's okay, I am not crying about it or anything but I just wanted to test the water but it turns out they are not receptible."
"I'm sorry," I say again.
"It's okay," he says getting up. "I guess I was right about Jeff breaking your heart huh?"
I shake my head. I can blame Jeff for a lot of things but this is not one of them. This time, I did it all on my own.
I broke my own heart.
