BIBLE
I lay in bed watching him. It feels like forever since he and I lay down on the same bed like this and yet, ironically...
It feels like he and I have been together forever.
You wouldn't bend to his will when it was just the two of you so he gave you the one thing he thought you wanted. His promise.
I close my eyes against the memory of Build's words. I can't seem to shake them off and the fact that nothing short of a love confession would have brought Jeff and I to this point, makes me wonder.
It makes me question whether this was why Jeff did it in the first place.
He wanted to keep me without making any changes to his life? right? I don't know what to think anymore.
"I can hear you think, Bible. Care to share?"
I look up to meet his eyes to find them still closed. "I thought you were asleep."
"I can hardly sleep when it's very obvious that something is bothering you."
"It's nothing. Besides, it's better if we don't talk about it. We always end up fighting every time we try to talk."
"Hmm," he mutters, opening his eyes to meet mine and I am sucked by the beauty in them. I like to think that I am a pretty good-looking guy but there is something exotic about Jeff's look. He looks like he would fit the bill of a prince to a island country.
"I would rather we talk and fight than leave you to deal with this on your own Bible," he says, reaching for my hand and my heart beat speeds up. "You are my boyfriend, if you can't share with me what's on your mind then this is going to be hard for us."
It's stupid.
I know it's stupid but the one thing I missed about Jeff the most is his hand holding habit. The fact that he doesn't even realize he is doing it half the time is what makes it even more romantic which makes my next words difficult to utter.
"I... I feel like I am acting as Vegas."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I feel like I am fucked up in the head most of the time. I know this may sound crazy but my willingness to be with you even when I know you don't really love me makes it all so fucked up."
"Then we are both fucked up."
My eyes brows furrow in confusion. "Why do you say that."
"Because I lied. Not about being in love with you. I love you Bible, I will find a way to prove that..."
"Then what did you lie about?" I ask, choosing to ignore his confession.
"I... I lied when I said that I don't care what you do onscreen. That I don't care how Build touches you on the stage or for the photoshoots."
"Jeff..."
He places a hand on my lips to stop me before moving a little closer until I am staring into his eyes, almost reading his soul. His hand runs up and down my stomach, his fingers caressing their way over the sensitive skin.
"It's easier to tell myself that it doesn't matter who touches you than it is to actually stand it. You were right when you said it was double standards on my part but you have to understand Bible, it makes sense that I would act so irrationally when it comes to you. I understand it's business, just as I expect you to understand it's business but.... my brain... it's hard."
This is the most I have heard him talk about the issue and it would make sense that he would act the way he does. Maybe he is better at hiding his feelings than I am because before today, I would have never thought it bothered him to see me with other people.
I lean forward and press our foreheads together.
"What the hell are we doing, Jeff?"
Jeff cups the back of my head and leans in to brush his lips gently against mine. Dragging his lips so achingly slow against mine that I swear I can feel his heartbeat through the kiss. He pulls away and I look up to meet his eyes. There is something soft about them that I don't get to see often.
"I don't know either, Bible, but it feels too good to stop. Whether or not you believe my feelings for you Bible, I don't want to stop."
"But isn't it easier to stop now than later?" I murmur, holding back from leaning in and stealing another kiss. "Before our feelings sink deeper than they are right now."
The hand in my hair tightens, pulling against my scalp and it does things to my body. I don't want soft when I am with him. Not in the way he feels and definitely not the way he handles me.
He could be a little gentler with my heart but...
"I don't think I could fall any deeper for you Bible. If I did, then it would be as bad for you as it would for me. I am a very dangerous man when I am obsessed. You don't want to see me get to that point,"
"Jeff..."
"Enough." His voice is gentle as he draws me into his arms. "You need to get some rest. You barely slept last night so rest and when the sun rises, we can talk some more."
I let out a tired sigh. He is right and I am beginning to feel every bit of the exhaustion.
Jeff and I are evenly matched in strength but there is just something about lying in his arms like so, that makes me feel like... coming home.
Still, there is that niggling feeling at the back of my head that this will not last for long.
