BIBLE
I am convinced that Jeff is a masochist. He must be because...
I can't have him. I can't be without him.
"I'm not yours, Jeff. Not anymore."
He flinches at my words as though they are a physical slap but he doesn't move away from me. Instead, taking a step forward and dropping his forehead against mine.
His breath is hot and heavy as it fans my face and I am weak to stop him when he leans down and brushes his lips softly against mine.
Giving me a chance to pull away but I am weak to do so.
Nothing changes. He doesn't need to tell me this but I know deep down that nothing will change between us.
I should stop him – stop us – while I still have it in me to do so and I lift my hands and grab his hoodie but instead of pushing him away, I draw him close until he is flush against me, my lips seeking his needily.
It's pathetic.
I am pathetic for letting myself give in to my needs.
His lips are soft against mine and he hardens the kiss to near bruising. My moan mixes up with his as I lose myself in his touch.
In the feel of him.
Jeff.
His taste, the texture of his lips.... It is all so familiar that I find myself deepening the kiss and his lips part invitingly.
Please stop me.
Stop us?
If he reads the plea, the desperation in my kiss, he doesn't push back.
Is he as hungry for me as I am for him?
Is he as desperate?
"Stop me," he whispers against my lips, echoing my own thoughts but we are both weak to stop it. "Stop me, Bib."
I can't.
I don't want to. I know and he knows that the moment we pull away from each other... the second I stop feeling his heavy breath against my lips, then reality will snap back in place.
I will be reminded of why we can't work.
His hand goes up and fists my hair, pulling at its roots and I gasp out in pain. "I know you are not mine. Okay? I have no right to behave the way I am but..."
I am afraid to ask.
to know.
"...but I hate the thought of someone having you in any kind of setting."
"I hate it too when you..."
"No, Bible. I hate it but, there is hardly anything I can do about it. I won't let you stop me from flirting with other people on stage or on camera and I won't do the same for you if it helps with your career. What happened today with Build, it will happen again and I have no plans to stop it."
"Then we can't be together. I want all or nothing."
"Bible..."
This time, I manage to push him away from me and take a step to the side. "We can't go on like this. Last night and now... we can't do this. Maybe it's easy for you to turn your emotions off and on but I am tired, Jeff!"
"You think this is easy for me?"
"No," I say truthfully. I thought it was easy for him to act unbothered but it's clearly not true. "I don't think it's easy for you either but we both want two different things and neither of us is willing to bend. I want all of you, Jeff. I don't want to share you."
"Why does it matter whom I flirt with as long as I come back to you at the end?"
"It matters, okay," I say, frustrated by him...by myself. "When you came after me... when you kissed me the way you did, part of me thought you understood."
He looks away and I figure that we are done here. Maybe it's time to end it once and for all.
"Let's stop this," I say finally.
"Stop what?"
"This back and forth. Every time we talk, it is always the same thing. Let's not talk about this anymore. Let's not touch.... Let's not kiss."
"Bib..." he reaches out for me but I move away.
"I am sorry Jeff. I can't give you my body and retain my sanity. Or my heart. What we have... had, it was good while it lasted."
He runs a hand in his hair and lets out a sigh before stepping back. I see it in his eyes the second he finally gives in.
Was I hoping that he would put up more of a fight? Yes, no.... maybe.
Either way, this is for the best.
We stand there staring at each other as if I still can't taste him on my tongue. As though the memory of his hand on my body hasn't left me craving for more.
Wanting....
"Jeff? Bible?" Apo's voice makes its way to where we are standing.
Neither of us responds and wait until he finds us.
"There you guys are. Uhm, the other guys were starting to wonder where you guys had run off to."
"Right," I say, looking at Jeff one more time, committing his features to memory. It's not like I will never see him again but I intend for this to be the last time he and I find ourselves in such a situation again. "I'll go ahead."
"Wait," Apo grabs my hand and I look up to meet his eyes.
"What's up?"
"This morning, when I blamed you for... I'm sorry. What you guys do is none of my business and I should have kept my nose out of it."
I chuckle at his words but really, there is nothing to apologize for. I know he meant no harm with his words so I simply nod and walk away.
I can still taste Jeff on my tongue. The sting in my hair from where he gripped earlier has dulled a bit but loudest of all... the biggest mark this man has left on me is the bullet size hole in my chest.
If he asked... if he's tried harder to understand my feelings, my body, my heart...
My entire existence would have been his.
I'm not sure it still isn't.
