Hidden Desires

Chapter Twenty

Emory

An idiot. I was a fucking idiot, moron, who needed someone to bang my head against the wall to knock some sense into me. What kind of moron fucks up this much? I didn't even think before it slipped from my mouth.

Maybe that was the problem.

I wasn't thinking or maybe I was thinking too hard about everything that happened all at once and the person who got me all worked up slipped out. It wasn't because I was thinking about him touching me or being with me.

I swear and I tried to explain it to Levi, with millions of phone calls, messages, and voicemails, but he wasn't picking up or answering. Vanessa wouldn't let me see him when I came by, and Graham told me to leave him and give him some space.

We didn't need space or time. I needed to explain to him that it wasn't what he thought it was. That I only wanted him, thought of him, and didn't need or want anybody else in my life.

I wanted to tell him that I cared about him, that I missed him and wanted him back in my life, but he wasn't giving me the chance to. Granted, I didn't deserve it, but I couldn't give up.

Levi meant everything to me, and I didn't want him to leave me with only a few memories of us together. I've been in perpetual hell where an image of a brokenhearted Levi screaming at me to not touch him plays on a never-ending loop in my brain.

Day and night, all I do is think about him, miss him, wonder about him and I hate myself every time for giving him a reason to leave, to walk away. I couldn't even begin to fathom the heartache and betrayal Levi was going through alone because of me.

I wanted to reach out, I wanted him to let me reach out so that we could patch things up again. I didn't want to be on this Earth for another second without him.

I craved him, missed him, and was running on no sleep as I thought about him to the point of insanity. I've never thought about a submissive this much when they walked away from a contract.

Levi was running in circles through my mind and was sitting rent-fucking-free in my heart and brain. It was only after one day became two weeks and one bottle of Whiskey became a shelf that I realized I was in love with him.

He meant everything to me. He was the epicenter of my existence, of my life, of my fucking world and I hated how long it took me to realize this. I was so in love with him that it hurt and ached to think about it.

It hurt knowing how much I wanted to scream it out at the top of my lungs, to proclaim how I felt for him, how my heart yearned for his touch, for his smile, for him.

I've cared for my submissives, taken care of them, dominated them, spoiled them, kissed and fucked them, but never loved one like how I loved Levi.

He was simply the exception to every equation that my brain tried to work through. Was it from the very first moment I saw him sitting on the stool, drinking a gin and tonic, and how his leg bounced nervously that gave off how it was his first time?

Or was it when he first smiled up at me, shining those deep dimples as he told me he'd come with me on an adventure? It had to be that smile. That beautiful fucking smile that got me so weak in the knees for him.

I didn't even know how he was doing if he was eating or sleeping, or in bed thinking and missing me. I didn't even know if he would want to miss me, or if even thought about me. I didn't deserve it.

Levi was something rare, like a shooting star, or an eclipse and I knew that I had him, and I was also the one that lost him. He was right here, just a few breaths ago, he was with me in my arms.