Autumn Showers

19- The one with the therapy session

T:W Mentions of sexual assault and rape, please if this affects you in any shape or form, I want you to know that you aren't alone and you are so incredibly strong. And if you are going to feel triggered by this chapter, please don't put your mental health at risk x x

I fiddle with the hem of my jumper as I feel Claudia's stare burning into me, but I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to do anything. I just want it all to go away, all of the pain, the anger, the hurt.

Most of all I just want me to go away. To just disappear taking all of my burdens and baggage with me.

'Autumn, please. You need to talk about this.'

I let out a shaky breath, 'I don't even know, what you want me to say.'

'Anything, just something.'

I clench my jaw as I nod, 'Do you want me to talk about how fucked up it is that I still blame myself?'

'You blame yourself?'

I laugh bitterly, 'I mean, you see all of these articles and men saying that if a woman wears a certain type of clothing, it means they're asking for it. And...t-that night, I wasn't exactly dressed like a nun.'

'Autumn, no matter what you were wearing, that doesn't excuse them for doing this to you.'

'B-But it does! Because they haven't been punished. And I'm...I'm punishing myself every fucking day.'

'In what way are you punishing yourself?'

I lift up my broken hand, 'Well, I smashed a fucking mirror because I... I missed the girl who used to stare back at me.'

Claudia raises an eyebrow, 'You told me, that you did that by accident.'

'Well, I lied.'

'Why did you lie?'

I shrug as I stare down at the awfully patterned carpet, 'Because it's easier to lie.'

'It can feel like a heavy weight, carrying around lies. As hard as it is initially, the truth often ends up feeling a lot better.'

I narrow my eyes, 'I'm not a fucking idiot, but people shouldn't be pushed into telling the truth, if they aren't ready!'

'Do you feel as if people are pushing you to tell something?'

'N-No, b-but I've actually found a group of...friends, I guess. A-And they seem to actually give a shit about me, and I-I feel like I owe them an explanation on why, they can't even fucking hug their friend.'

'You don't owe anyone, anything. The only person you owe something to is yourself.'

I shake my head, 'I don't owe myself anything, I-I was a fucking idiot that night. Fuck, it wasn't even a night. T-They kept me at his fucking apartment all weekend...I-I was just to fucking high to know.'

'You weren't, nor have you ever been an idiot, Autumn.'

'I-I just sat there helplessly as they injected heroin into my body, I-I watched as they...they burned cigarettes into my fucking arms. Pretty sure makes me an idiot.'

'You were terrified, you were being held somewhere against your will.'

Hot tears slide down my cheeks before a strangled sob escapes my lips, 'H-He was supposed to protect me, he was my boyfriend. H-He just laughed and joined in.'

'I don't want to add on any more pain, then what you are already feel but he was never a boyfriend, if he did this to you.'

'W-What if I start to have feelings for someone else, h-how do I know they won't hurt me?'

Claudia sighs as she gives me a sympathetic smile, 'You won't know and that is so scary. But not every man is him, they are good and honest men out there. Who will treat you in the way, that you deserve.'

'W-What if I only deserve the bad?'

'Why do you think that you only deserve the bad?'

I hiccup as my sobs become harder, 'I-I'm an awful person, m-my...closest friend, is someone I used to bully. A-And she's so kind towards me. It makes me feel so fucking shitty.'

'Well, are you kind to her now?'

'I-I try my best to be, I-I really fucking try. I try with them all.'

'You just trying to be a better person, shows how much you've grown.'

'W-What if it's too late?' I croak out, 'W-What if they eventually realise that I'm literal poison?'

'You aren't poison Autumn; you are a young woman who sure has made some mistakes, like with the bullying. But that's a part of being human, you fuck up. And then the world surprises you, it makes you grow, become softer and kinder. Who you were does not define you, but who you are going to be does.'

I wipe my cheeks, 'I-I miss my sister. S-Scarlett reminds me of her...that's my friends name by the way'

'She lives with your grandmother, is that correct?'

'Y-Yeah after my dad left, my grandmother took her in to give her a better life. A-Apparently, I was already too far gone, the damage had been done, so there was no point in trying.'

'There's always a point in trying, you know that don't you?'

I shrug, 'Sometimes, I do. And other times trying is so fucking exhausting.'

'Is there anyway that you could contact your sister?'

'No, I'm only allowed to call her on birthdays or Christmas. S-She's going to turn six this year, and It's just a reminder that I-I'm a stranger to her. S-She probably doesn't even know, who I am.'

'There's still time left for her to get to know, you.'

I shake my head, 'S-She would be better off not getting to know me.'

'You are a person who is worth getting to know, Autumn.'

'I-I'm not, but I want to be. M-My friends, t-they're starting to make me want to be a better person, t-they are all so different but they're like a little family, n-no matter what you say or do, they just understand.'

'These new friends, tell me about them.'

'W-Well there's Scarlett, she's now my closest friend. A-And she would do anything for anyone, she's just so warm and nurturing, without even trying, it just comes naturally to her. I-I think I've always been a little jealous of that. B-But when I'm with her, she actually kind of makes me want to be a version of myself, I didn't know existed.'

'She sounds like a friend that you shouldn't let get away, someone to keep close.'

I nod as a small smile appears on my lips, 'She is, they all are.'

'What about the others? What are they like?'

'W-Well there's Sammy, he's kind of a dork but in a really nice way, he's shy and timid...but he's also caring, I-I'm probably the least close with him, b-but I know he'd have my back.'

'It's always good to know that someone has your back.'

'T-Then there's Toby, he makes me laugh a lot, he's very witty and slightly chaotic but he's got really good morals, h-he'd never judge you, for anything.'

'It can be really useful to have a non-judgemental energy around us. Is there anyone else?'

My breath hitches slightly, 'L-Lucas, he's Scarlett's stepbrother, and to be honest a complete pain in my ass, we bicker like there's no tomorrow. It's like he ignites this fire within me, and I-It kind of brings me back to my old self as in the girl I was five years ago before my dad left, not the bitchy and bitter version, I have been. B-But he's also really protective, not just of me, but all of us. And he just different, I guess? I can't even really describe what I mean by that.'

'Different sounds like what you need at the moment.'

'Maybe it is, but different is also so fucking terrifying.'

'Sometimes the most terrifying things can turn out to be the most beautiful.'