Trigger Warning: Talk of suicide!
Zynder can't help but close his eyes because of the searing pain in his head. Ilang buwan na rin simula nang magsimula iyon at hindi mawala-wala kahit na anong gamot ang inumin niya. He wanted to rule it out as a simple headache but that wouldn't explain why he can feel it in both of his body. Kapag nasa hinaharap siya bilang Zynder o kahit pa man dito sa nakaraan bilang Crisostomo, palaging bumabalik ang sakit ng ulo niya.
Bumalik na naman iyon dahil sa pangongompronta ni Apple Pie sa kaniya kanina. He didn't mean to shout at her, talagang umiinit lamang ang timpla niya dahil sa pagsakit ng ulo niya. Hinilot niya ang noo at mas pinikit pa ang mga mata. He was hoping that it would go away already. Marami pa siyang dapat gawin at tapusin mamaya. Mukhang hindi na naman siya makakatulog nito.
Pinagpatuloy nya ang paghilot sa sentido bago unti-unting binuksan ang mga mata upang matignan kung nasaan na ba sila. Nagpahatid kasi siya papauwi sa isa sa mga tauhan ni Xav. Ngayon nga'y nasa kalagitnaan sila ng paglalakbay pauwi sa bahay ng mga magulang niya. Hindi niya alam kung bakit siya nagkakaganito. Alam niyang dapat maging masaya siya sa nangyayari sa mga kapatid ngunit hindi niya maiwasang makaramdam ng inggit. He felt that it was so unfair.
He dedicated his whole life to his brothers yet he was left alone in the end. Masaya na ang mga ito habang siya ay binabangungot pa rin ng nakaraan. Ayaw niya ang naiisip at nararamdaman ngayon kaya naman nagdesisyon na siyang lumayo muna pansamantala kahit pa man mga ilang araw lamang. Ipapahinga muna niya ang isip at itutuon ang atensyon sa kaniyang mga negosyo at responsibilidad.
"Malapit na ba tayo?" tanong niya sa kutchero sapagkat pagtulog sa malambot niyang kama ang tanging hinahanap niya ngayon.
I just need some sleep. That's it and all of these jealousy will go away.
"Zy! Tulong, Zy!" Bago pa man niya marinig ang sagot ng kutchero ay agad nahagilap ng tenga niya ang isang umiiyak na sigaw. The voice was too damn familiar that he can't help but whirl his head in the direction of that voice. "Zy!" rinig niyang sigaw muli nito kaya naman dali-dali niyang inutusan ang kutchero na itigil ang kalesa.
"Hon?" he whispered. "Itigil mo ang kalesa!" sigaw niyang utos bago muling lumingon sa pinanggagalingan ng tinig. Sabay sa pagtigil ng kalesa ang pagtigil rin ng puso niya nang makita kung saan nanggaling ang sigaw na iyon.
It was by the side of the road, almost hidden by the trees populating it. It was so dark because there were no houses or establishments nearby, but the glow of the moonlight illuminated the familiar tattoo on the person's ankle.
Z . . . the initial of his name. He can feel the sting of the same tattoo on his right ankle. The difference was that it was L . . . for Louisa. Kahit pa man sabihing nasa totoo niyang katawan ang tattoo na iyon at hindi dito kay Crisostomo ay ramdam na ramdam pa rin niya ang hapdi ng alaala niyon.
The white, corpse-like body in front of him made the tattoo more noticeable. He can see the slight swaying of that feet as if being lulled to sleep by the wind. This scene was so familiar to him. Ito ang mismong posisyon kung saan nila natagpuan si Louisa.
Rope around her neck, hanging on the tree, behind their house.
Louisa committed suicide.
"Hon!" sigaw niya sabay takbo ng mabilis papalapit sa puno kung saan ito nakabitay. "Hon!" sigaw niyang muli hanggang sa makalapit na siya. Akma na sana niyang hahawakan ang mga paa nito upang maiangat ang katawan nito ngunit tila hangin lamang ang nasa kaniyang harapan. Diretso siyang napatumba sa matigas na lupa ngunit hindi niya ininda ang sakit na naramdaman. He quickly looked up at the tree and saw that there was nothing there.
No hanging body.
No Louisa.
"Hon . . . I'm sorry, hon," he murmurred before grabbing his hair in frustration and trying to fight his tears. Sorry for being too late. I'm so sorry . . ."
Binaon niya ang kaniyang mukha sa kaniyang mga palad at doon hinayaan ang sariling maging mahina. Kahit ngayon lang, gusto niyang umiyak at tanggalin ang maskara na palagi niyang suot-suot. He was always acting so tough and cold, but right now, all he wanted was to feel her presence again.
He knew that he was at fault too for her suicide.
He was too late.
He hate himself. He hate everyone.
He hate his own father for driving Louisa to committ suicide.
He hate Louisa's father for saying such horrid things to his son after he found out about Louisa's gender.
"Sana hindi ka na lang pinanganak kung magiging bakla ka rin naman."
That motherfucker! How dare he cry during Louisa's funeral! How dare he act as if he was not the reason why Louisa decided to end her life. How dare he say na pinagsisisihan na niya ang lahat ng sinabi nito.
He also hate how their university only acknowledge the bullying and unfair treatment that was happening when Louisa already die. Bakit?! Dahil ba sa nabatikos sila kaya naman bigla na silang umaksyon?!
Bakit ngayon lang sila nagparamdam ng unawa?!
Bakit ngayon lang na huli na ang lahat!
Bakit ngayon lang na patay na si Louisa . . .
He wanted to punch himself. One call. One fucking call!
Kung tinawagan niya lamang ito nang mapansin niya na tila ba may pinoproblema ito ay baka hanggang ngayon ay buhay pa ito. He could have save her with just one call . . . but he didn't.
And now she's dead.
"Hon, I miss you . . ." iyak niyang bulong sa hangin habang pilit pinipigilan ang sarili na magwala. "I fucking miss you. Pagod na pagod na ako sa buhay ko. Wala ka na kasi. Ikaw lang naman pahinga ko sa tang-inang buhay na ito!"
If he just knew what would happen that day, he would fucking change fate itself and save her. He would do anything for her. Pero hindi na niya maaaring ibahin ang nangyari ngunit binigyan siya ng pag-asa ni Sidapa. He said that Louisa is a reincarnation of someone living in this era. Iyon ang dahilan kung bakit narito siya sa nakaraan.
If he can't have the reincarnation, then he would find the past life.
A/N: For added context, Kuya Zy uses she/her to Louisa but she is a guy named Louis po. Baka kasi may malito diyan. :)
Also, the first half of My Sin In His Past would revolve around Kuya Zy's college years. Sort of same sa story nina Yohan at Apple Pie. Makikita pa rin natin si Kuya Zy at Louis aka Louisa na ma-inlove sa isa't-isa bago tayo mapunta sa nakaraan. So sa mga hindi komportable sa BL ay mas mainam pong iwasan niyo na lang ang 3rd book. And also trigger warning na rin sa 3rd book dahil mababasa natin doon ang suicide scene ni Louisa. Thank you!
BINABASA MO ANG
My Everything In His Past (2nd Book of 'In His Past' Series)
Historical Fiction"I wish I realized much sooner how important you are, my wife, my president, my everything."
