Arhan Hattar

Epilog

2 months later;

"Oh my god!!!! Cute nya dia!!!"

Aku berkata seraya mencampak beg tangan ni ke tepi lalu terus meluru ke arah Hana yang sedang merangkul bayinya yang baru lahir.

Tempat duduk diambil di atas kerusi di sebelah katil Hana.

"Girl, boy?"

Soalan ditanya sambil aku bermain-main dengan jari-jemari bayi Hana ni.

"Girl. And she's healthy."

"Aww....Healthy? Kau memang buat aku rasa nak ada anak je sekarang ni."

Hana terdiam. Aku mengangkat muka untuk menghadapnya.

"You can, you know?"

Aku pula yang terdiam kali ni.

Badan kembali disandarkan sebelum kedua-dua belah tangan diregangkan ke udara.

"Hana. Aku balik dulu lah."

Muka Hana yang macam serba salah tu hanya mampu aku lihat sebelum kaki terus disatur untuk meninggalkan bilik wad perempua ni.

Sebaik sahaja dah berada di luar bilik wad, aku teeus berjalan aimlessly sambil handphone dikeluarkan dari poket seluar.

Nombor Hattar yang disimpan di dalam whatsapp aku tekan.

Sebuah mesej aku mula karang sebelun dihantar kepada nombornya.

'Dear,

Hattar. Today Hana gave birth. To a beautiful baby at that.

It's been two months.

Still waiting for you.

Love,

Arfa.'

Dan...send.

Bila mata menangkap sebuah kerusi kosong yang tak berpenghuni, aku terus mengambil tempat duduk di kerusi tersebut.

Melepeaskan lelah sekejap sebelum hanya membiarkan air mata mengalir perlahan di kedua-dua belah pipi aku.

Terus teringat akan kejadian pada pagi tu.

Kejadian yang berjaya membuatkan aku ingin turut sama mengikut langkahnya.

* * *

Pada pagi tu, aku sedang melihat video Hattar yang menyuruh aku untuk duduk sebelum melihat keseluruhan videonya.

"Okay, you know what? I will just get straight to the point."

Dia menghebuskan nafas sekali sebelum menyambung kata.

"I'm...so tired, love. I'm so very, very tired."

Kata-katanya pada masa tu berjaya membuatkan aku sedar yang eyebag dia di dalam video tersebut makin teruk.

Tak.

Selama hari ni, eyebagnya makin teruk.

Hanya aku sahaja yang tak sedar akan hakikat tersebut.

"You loved me back to life. And remember, that's all that matter. And I can't remember a single time in my life when someone apologize to me for hurting my feelings. No one has ever cared for my feelings long enough to apologize for hurting them. But you do, Arfa. You do."

Air mata aku mula mengalir laju pada masa tu.

"I honestly don't know what I want in life. I don't even know right now. All I know that it hurts so much inside and it's eating me alive. There won't be anything left of me one day. And I'm afraid that day is today."

Dia terdiam seketika.

"Say, say anything right now."

Dan entah apa yang merasuk aku selepas tu sehingga berkata,"Do you still love me?"

And he said,"Of course I do."

"More than anything?"

"Anything. Why are you asking?"

"How....Can...you know what I'm..saying?"

Aku bertanya sambil dengan tangisan sedu-sadan yang tidak putus-putus.

Hattar teeus tersenyum pahit di dalam video tersebut.

"Because I love you. I do love you with all my heart."

"Habis tu....kenapa...kau...."

Aku tak dapat nak mengungkapkan perkataan 'pergi' tersebut.

"Don't blame yourself, Arfa. Everyone is tired. It's just I can't find a better way to rest.

I love you.

I love you with all my heart.

I love you to the point I'm afraid I will hurt you.

But don't worry. I still love you."

Dan selepas tu, polis called aku. Mengatakan yang diorang jumpa mayat Hattar di sebuah bangunan terbiar.

And all I can think is bangunan terbiar yang selalu Hattar dan aku pergi untuk meluangkan masa bersama if any one of us have a bad day.

And I'm not wrong.

* * *

He was saying 'love' back then like it has no meaning anymore.

Now I will always text him knowing he will never text me back. And it hurts.

Dan lagi sakit sebab I never noticed any sign before.

Those cuts.

Those eyebags.

Aku mula menyimpan handphone ke dalam poket seluar semula.

Nafas berat dihembus.

I know many last words. But I will never know his. We were supposed to be forever. But it just me now.

And you know what?

There was before and there was during you.

For some reason, I never thought that there will be after you.

But there is and I living in it.

Forever. Alone.

And you're so.....

Selfish.

Leaving this world without me seems so........

Selfish.

If I knew early the first sign, I will be the first one to follow you.

Always.

And the saddest part of my life right now,.....

Is never get to say goodbye to someone who I want to spend my whole life with.

* * *

Note;

For anyone who's seeking for help,

https://www.befrienders.org.my/

Please jangan su*ide.

We're friends here.

So vent all you want in here.

Escape from reality sometimes is okay. Take a rest is okay. Say you're tired is okay.

Don't let that tiredness eat you up inside out, okay?