Josephine Swan never thought she would be drawn into the world of K-Pop during her stay in South Korea. Every day she faces challenges that fate has in store for her and her four members.
"𝙇𝙚𝙩'𝙨 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙝𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙬...
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I could barely stifle a yawn as my increasingly tired eyes slid from my laptop over my school books. Each book was open on different pages and chapters in the middle of our long dining table. Many passages or sentences were underlined or colour-coded to give me the overview I needed of the topics. I rubbed my forehead with my right hand before it slid further down my neck, trying in vain to loosen my tense muscles with circular movements.
"You're still awake?".
I was startled up from my work and met the concerned brown eyes of Hannah, who was slowly walking towards me in her pyjamas. Her face contorted because of the bright light and she squinted her eyes several times. Her slippers shuffled across the floor until she stopped facing me. I pointed explanatorily at the books around me while Hannah sat down on the chair with a small sigh.
"I'm sorry if I woke you, Unnie," I said quickly, pursing my mouth sympathetically as Hannah shook her head and rubbed her eyes.
"You're studying?" she asked me after a while, pulling one of the open books towards her and skimming the texts with tired eyes. My eyes swept over the small display at the bottom right of my laptop and I groaned softly.
00:34
In less than five hours I was already expected back in Korean class, three hours later at school. After seven hours of classes, I was expected back at the centre for the daily hour-long singing and dancing training until the evening hours. I just shook my head and brushed the loose strands out of my face.
Although I was now entering my third month of entertainment, the days were beginning to feel more and more like years. Exposed day in and day out to the pressures of school and training, in constant accompaniment to lack of sleep, lack of energy and the monthly end-of-month assessment always under the watchful eye of Entertainment. Just one of these things would be enough after a while for the person to break down inside and most likely give up.
A fact that quite a few trainees took advantage of.
"Is everything all right, Josie?".
Hannah's concerned voice brought me out of my thoughts and with blinking eyes, I looked at her across the table before letting myself sink back into the chair with a deep sigh. I didn't know the answer to her question, let alone to the other many questions that were forming more and more in my mind and slowly rising to the surface.
"Why me?" suddenly came out of my mouth and my voice echoed loudly through the large room so that for the moment I was afraid I had woken the other girls. However, the efforts of the last few days did not seem to have failed to have an effect, because no noises were coming from the rooms. My counterpart, on the other hand, looked at me in surprise and with big brown eyes. I sank deeper into my chair as my grey eyes ran over the flat's furnishings.
"I mean...all of that! Why I...?!" I added dryly, my arms lifting to either side as I pointed. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Hannah following my eyes around the facility, her gaze growing more thoughtful by the second.
"Why not...?" was all she said, looking at me.
"From my point of view...anyone who harbours the dream of becoming a K-pop idol or something like that deserves the chance to prove themselves in places like this. The path we take afterwards depends on our choices. Either we continue to pursue our set goals and dreams...or we have to or want to take a different path," she added.
At such moments, I easily forgot that against all odds, this life was still a competition of sorts. For others, such a revelation on my part would have been a reason for merciless slander, which would probably only have strengthened my doubts. I was all the more grateful to the girls for their frank words and helpfulness. Qualities not easily found in a life of continuous competition with others.
"I never harboured the desire to be a K-pop idol, nor to become one someday. It was never planned...and suddenly, from one day to the next...I'm faced with these things and accompanying problems daily that I never even dreamed of having one day." I replied quietly, just shaking my head.
"The feeling of having taken the place of other girls is becoming more and more present. Young girls who have been pursuing these dreams and desires for many years and would probably be...better suited for a life in the limelight than I." I added further, my mind drifting to my family and the secret that was still deeply hidden.
"There are always reasons for our decisions, maybe they are not always immediately understandable, but still...I mean...why did you agree to the audition then? Or the offer from Yang Hyun-suk...or the contract?" pecked Hannah. Her voice was soft and empathetic, with no trace of incomprehension or rejection towards me.
Her questions were similar to mine.
Questions that I had to ask myself several times always led to bigger ones.
Starting with the audition.
"Why don't you just try it? I mean...you don't have much to lose with this recording, unlike a lot of other girls and boys."
To the offer.
"The reason I'm here...the reason I wanted to see you for myself is...I've been planning to form a girl group since 2011!"
"I want to sign you, Miss Swan!"
The contract.
"I'm willing to take the risk with you, Miss Swan. The only question I have to ask myself is...are you willing to take that risk too?"
The different voices and memories pierced my mind and echoed in my thoughts. It took a while to sort them out and silence them. By the time I was able to turn back to Hannah, my head ached.
