Josephine Swan never thought she would be drawn into the world of K-Pop during her stay in South Korea. Every day she faces challenges that fate has in store for her and her four members.
"𝙇𝙚𝙩'𝙨 𝙬𝙧𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙝𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙣𝙤𝙬...
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My grey eyes swept over the large plain flat, which had become more and more a sanctuary and a home over the last seven months.
The large balcony, laden with the last day's wet training stuff, provided enough light to encompass and illuminate much of the living room.
The black leather couch, the glass table, the big TV on the wall, and even the long dining table in the middle of the room.
Nothing was hidden from the warm midday sun, bathing the flat in a sea of happy memories that I had managed to collect over the past seven months.
I could see my ghostly likeness walking around the room or disappearing behind different doors to do housework, cook, sleep or go to training. They were simple scenarios, insignificant at first glance, but as they progressed they made you realise how much you can take a place in your heart.
Next to my image, six other people appeared, of different sizes and ages.
A small smile appeared on my lips as I thought of our evenings or days off together when the room was filled with loud giggles and laughter.
Cooking together in the kitchen, watching TV on the couch, playing little games and helping with homework at the dining table.
"We will be leaving in a few minutes".
The figures shining through with sunlight disappeared along with the loud laughter, leaving an empty silent room again.
Blinking, I spun around the room.
With her phone in her hand, Lim Myung-ok stood near the door while the driver of the car carried my last suitcase out of the flat. I watched him silently as he reached the stairs and disappeared from my sight.
"Well..." our manager began to say, looking from me over the remaining three girls in the room who had been watching us silently. The tensions of the impending goodbye hung heavy in the air, their realisation clear on our faces.
"...I...will be waiting for you downstairs at the car, Josie." Lim Myung-ok quickly grasped the situation and gave us all a reassuring smile on her part before turning her back on us. As soon as the door closed behind her, silence once again dominated the room. I could hear Lim Myung-ok heel shoes moving further and further away from our door until they finally echoed outside the building on the grey stone of the car park.
Holding my breath, I turned to the girls as memories took me back seven months again.
The day we met, was our first encounter.
They elicited a small sad smile from me.
"These circumstances...are like déjà vu," I spoke my thoughts and elicited a small smile from the other girls as well so that the gloomy atmosphere slowly began to lighten.
Hannah was the first of the three girls to finally approach me and immediately enclose me in a hug. Her dark curly hair blocked my view as our heads rested on each other's shoulders.
"It's all right, Josie," whispered Hannah in my ear and I faltered in our embrace. Her attempt to reassure me struck me deeply and I immediately noticed my body decently unclamping under her voice. Her arms gripped me tighter as if they sensed the proximity of the collapse my body was about to experience once again.
Like tendrils, they enclosed the fragile parts of my foundation, which had become more and more brittle and porous since yesterday's earthquake.
With burning eyes, I turned my head towards our dining table.
Our private conversations were very much like the tendrils that held our foundation stone together. The unanswerable questions of why and wherefore, the despair and uncertainties about education or the future made them crumble and tremble. The tendrils of advice, opinions and other perspectives finally gave us the security and steadfastness we needed to move on.
"I don't know...if I'm all right, Unnie. Or...if anything about this situation is okay." I said back honestly, voicing hours of internal discussions and scenarios that had been continuously forming since Yang Hyun-suk's decision to exclude me from the debut group. Carefully, Hannahs broke away from me and her brown eyes sparkled at me.
"I know this entire situation is still overwhelming you in some ways and you still have many unanswered questions. Even more so now," she said urgently and my hand moved from her shoulder over her hand and held it tightly, like a lifeline.
"But...you can only answer these questions if you continue on this path. Without us," she added, squeezing my hand. Hannah's head turned to look at Su-a and Jinny, who smiled sympathetically at me.
"We know you never wanted to go this way originally. But you faced this path and overcame the hurdles to belong here despite your doubts. You have learned and evolved. And your ideas and doubts should not be the reason to give up even at the present fork in the road...just...because the possible destination of the path scares you."
"You are a strong person, Josie. On the outside, as well as on the inside. And you will find your answers...eventually.".
My eyes burned painfully and I blinked several times to hold back the tears. A surge of guilt joined the feelings of emotion from their words, for a part of the truth remained hidden from them.
A secret that at such moments only wanted more, to pierce the surface.
Instead, I kept silent and pulled Hannah closer to me again and began to breathe intermittently, when in the next moment I could also feel the others' embrace on my body. Su-a's forehead leaned against the side of my head as her arms partially encircled me and Hannah. Jinny, on the other hand, stood behind Hannah and her hands gently stroked my shoulders and upper arms.
"Thank you," I murmured honestly and the pressure of the arms and bodies around me increased. Despite all this, my body had relaxed and was enjoying the warming sensation of the others. Even inside my head, which hadn't been able to grasp a calm thought for two days, was filled with abrupt silence.
A state that would surely disappear as soon as the door closed behind me and a new one opened for me.
