ℓєт υѕ ωяιтє нιѕтσяу - ʙʟΛƆᴋᴘɪИᴋ 5тн мємвєя

ꜱᴘᴇᴇᴄʜʟᴇꜱꜱ

"You haven't started yet?".

I looked up slowly and discovered my three flatmates standing hesitantly in the doorway, looking at me warily. Emotionless, I returned their gazes and in the next moment turned back to my open suitcases, which lay unmoving and empty in front of me. The doors of my assigned wardrobe had also been opened, but none of my clothes had been removed. Instead, they lay or hung neatly and sorted in their compartments.

I did not answer.

I couldn't.

Whenever a sentence that seemed reasonable formed before my eyes, it immediately disappeared and I had trouble putting it back together properly or reformulating it. And with each new constellation of sentences, a spark more of energy was lost.

I was simply speechless.

I felt the slight lowering of my mattress right next to me and the familiar smell of coconut rose to my nose. A warm hand rested on my upper left arm and my eyes closed as I fell without resistance against Hannah's warm body. Within seconds, the rest of the shock that had kept me in the rigid position for the last few hours faded and the exhaustion that had been bubbling under the surface the entire time took over my body.

It now resembled a rag doll, without a skeleton or muscles.

A body that was exhausted from having to think about the things that had happened.

I could hear the creeping footsteps of Su-a and Jinny, who brushed my suitcases with their legs and took a seat on the opposite side of my bed. The empty previously unused bed creaked under their weight.

There was silence between us.

Today hung heavy and tense in the air and neither of us knew with what words to break the silence.

Why me?

It's a question that everyone asks themselves from time to time in the course of their lives in certain situations. Mostly it is connected with negative aspects or bad luck, in which one has challenged luck and lost it.

In my case, it seemed to have the opposite effect from other people's points of view. Because since my stay in South Korea, these two small seemingly insignificant words seemed to have their highlights within my life so far.

Every incident, from my karaoke night to the events of today was always linked to this question.

"I can't believe you're leaving us." Su-a finally brought out softly and I opened my eyes wearily. Su-a looked sadly at the suitcases at our feet before her brown eyes turned to me. I tried to force my mouth into a smile to reassure her, but it only twitched lazily.

"Yeah. It's going to be weird not having you around...anymore. At least...not really." added Jinny thoughtfully, propping her arms to her sides.

With light pressure, Hannah began stroking my upper arm.

"It's going to be okay, Josie." she tried, but her words had the opposite effect. They were familiar phrases, heard over and over again since I had entered South Korea and entered this foreign life.

Phrases like "trying...", "you don't have much to lose..." or "taking chances...".

Although it is ultimately one's own decision, these phrases influence a person.

And they influenced me.

But Yang Hyun-suk's decision today put me in an unwanted situation that I was no longer in control of and in which, in the worst of all cases, a lot of people had a lot to lose.

With a loud bang, our bedroom door opened and we were startled up from our seats as our youngest dorm mates came running frantically into the room.

"Chaewon-ah. It's very rude..." began Hannah beside me as soon as the first and eldest of the three girls came to a halt in front of us, out of breath. The others followed close behind her and seemed no less exhausted from their run. Their tied-up black hair was dishevelled, and Yun's glasses were slightly out of place on her nose.

"Is...it...true...?" brought out Chaewon only gasping for breath, skipping Hannah's scolding as her big brown eyes locked on me. I exchanged a cautious glance with Jinny and Su-a.

"We heard...the other...trainees talking about...Unnie..." explained Yun immediately, drawing in a sharp breath.

"...Has been transferred...to the...debut group." Haemin finished the sentence panting and a wide smile appeared on her lips, her brown eyes slowly moving in my direction.

I flinched noticeably under her words as soon as the word 'debut' flowed from her mouth, for they had been the main components within my churning thoughts for the past few hours.

The chaos in my head was strongly reminiscent of the feelings that completely overwhelmed me in connection with Yang Hyun-suk's offer at the time. The question of my family and their position within my country's society, the question of nationality, the future and talent. But with time, the worries and tensions disappeared and the thought of one day being a K-pop idol receded more and more into the background until it finally became non-existent in my mind.

The numbers of probability were in my favour.

The desires and choices of entertainment, unfortunately, were not.

"Are you all right, Unnie? You look sad.".

I glanced at Haemin, whose smile had increasingly faltered. The others also looked in my direction with furrowed brows. 

"It's all right. It's just...all...quite overwhelming..." my voice stirred raspily in my throat as I spoke the words. Part lie, part truth.

My lips lifted and I forced a small smile at them that also put the younger girls at ease. Their wrinkles and puzzled looks gradually disappeared and were replaced by excited voices that poured over us like rain.

"Isn't this exciting?".

"When do you have to go, Unnie?"

"How long do you think you'll be training with the girls, Unnie?".

"When's the debut?"

"You might become a K-pop idol, Unnie.".

They were too young and inexperienced to follow and understand my thought processes and concerns. In their eyes, my advancement into a debut group was a blessing they hoped to receive one day as well.

It was the wish of many trainees that secretly scared and panicked me the most.