A title you held •{Namgi}

74

It was night time and I was eating a small salad I got from the same cafe. I thankfully had no text or calls only from Jimin showing me him and Sin holding hands.

When I finished my salad I thanked the workers again and made my way back home. When walking though I felt myself become disoriented.

I was along the han river mini bridge and sat down at the ledge. I closed my eyes for a while and prayed. When opening them back up I felt my eyes weld with tears.

I wish I didn't say what is said to Yeonjun. Not cause I felt bad I said what I wanted to say. But cause of what I said. I told him home didn't feel like home and knowing him he told appa already what happened and what I said.

And appa would be concerned on why I said that. Why did I say it? Do I really not feel at home when I stay there. I feel like my thoughts and worries get worse between those walls.

I don't feel like myself in that home or anywhere for that matter. I never got the chance to really know myself. Yeah I know what I like but I don't know who I am as a person.

I only followed through others acts and tried to make it my own. When sitting down and thinking a older man came and sat down next me.

Taking our a cigarette and lighting it he sighed. He seemed like an older man.

What a night huh, he said. Hm, I said? I usually come out here to clear my head I'm assuming you to or am I wrong, he asked?

I guess I'm doing same, I said. Wanna know why I'm here, he said. Sure, I said.

My wife got angry not at me but at something else. I thought talking to her would help but instead she lashed out on me and called me a waste.

I know she has anger issues but sometimes words can still hurt, he said. So I come out here relax smoke and just wait it out till I can talk to her again, he said.

That sounds rough having that same routine, I said. You get use to it, he said. I probably really shouldn't be but I love her, he said. For better or worse ya know.

But is it getting better, I asked. He stayed silent as another round of smoke came from his lips.

He then passed me his box. Need one, he said. I paused for a minute.

I had originally stopped the whole drinking and drug part after hearing that I was addicted to it as a baby. I don't know why I did but I just stopped.

I hesitated before taking one out the box. He then passed me his lighter. I lit it up as we sat together in silence. It's not gonna get better, he said.

But I can't find a way to get away from it, he said. Have you tried, I asked? There's not much I can do, he said.

Is it like that sometimes, I asked? He nodded his head. What's up with you, he asked?

Too much, I said. Feels like it huh, he said. No litterly it's a lot, I said. I'm all ears, he said. Your a stranger, I said. Yet you still took one of my cigs and listen to me, he said.

I guess. Cause of the rain my cig had went out. Here he said passing me the lighter again. As I lit it up I started it speak.

Long story short I feel like I lost sense of myself and cause of that I'm shutting everyone out till I feel like I know what I am doing, I said.

Sounds like a lot for a young one like you, he said. How do you know I'm young, I said. I had a hunch. You still gave me this anyways, I said. Everyone needs something to relax them, he said. Is it working?

I nodded my head. A little. So you feel out of touch with yourself so your basically breaking from everything that made you you, he said.

Basically, I said. I think that's pretty good. Take a break from everything and see what it is you really needed all along. I feel like I'm hurting people though, I said.