"You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up"
When 20 year old Matilda moved down to London after growing up qu...
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Matilda
Standing in front of the long mirror that is displayed at the end of my bed. Staring at my body. Having thoughts that haven't affected me since Ace said words that I thought I would never hear. Staring at the body that made me me.
He affected me with those words 3 days ago but yet every night I stand alone in my isolated bedroom while my friends have no clue what's happening to me behind closed doors. He said the words that make me feel so self-conscious about my body and the way I look.The way I live.
I'm a body. Just a body with a broken soul inside.
How can anyone say that I'm the most beautiful girl they've ever seen even though I look like this? Why should I dress up in dresses that show my skin when all I see is an ugly creature staring back at me. Im staring at a body with a broken soul.
Walking to get into bed wanting to sleep knowing otherwise that i'm just gonna stand here all night looking at a mirror of someone that I used to see as the best of me.
"Matilda" I hear Flo run into my room while I was just about to lay on my bed.
"Yeah?" I ask , wondering what she's thinking.
"Come to the club with me and the boys" She whines like she's desperate.
"Why're you only going to ditch me for Jayden anyway so you might as well go alone" I sigh knowing that whatever I say is just going to be ignored.
"Noo I won't. Please Miles wont come with me and you're the last person I thought of" She tries to reason with me.
"Yeah like always" I say under my breath not wanting her to hear the words I just said.
"Okay well don't come and be depressed in your isolated room that you don't come out of" She sighs.
"Okay i'll come" I sigh knowing that even though I don't want to come shell guilt trip me in a way for me to come. I'm a people pleaser. I don't do what I want to do or I drop things for other people if they need me. I'm a good friend. I know I am but it feels like I'm slowly losing myself.
I'll get through it. I always do. A fake smile always does the trick. Maybe it will be convincing for everyone except him. Knowing that he can read me like an open book.
"Thank you thank you thank you!" she exclaims while running across the halfway at what i'm guessing is to get change in her normal revealing outfit. Sighing to myself at not knowing what to wear.
Searching through my wardrobe picking out a grey nike sweater with some blue jeans. Deciding to go for a more covered up look than i'd rather go for but I guess it's a first for everything.
"Come on matilda!" She shouts from down the hallway. Not knowing how she got ready that quickly but remembering that she came into my room dressed in her original black short dresses with a cross neck and her hair curled.
Sighing to myself repeating many reassuring phrases to myself hoping i'll be okay.
.....
Thinking about thoughts that I haven't had since I hit rock bottom when I overdosed. I need to get out of my head as fast as I can before it consumes me and I end up doing something that I will regret and cause people pain that is not needed. Everyone is happy and that is what it should be like even if I am happy with them, they would never know.
Feeling a hand squeezing my thigh as an act of reassurance. Looking next to me, I know that the hand belongs to Harry.
"You okay?" he asks me while having a concerned expression on his face.
"Yeah i'm fine" I say the words as a reassurance to myself rather than reassuring them.
"You sure?" he asks with a facial expressions that means 'I know your lying to me'
"Harry, I'm fine, okay! You don't need to check up on me and when I tell you an answer and you don't get to use the look that says I know that you're lying when you don't know me at all. No one does" I huff out annoyed but regretting the words as soon as I said them.
"Okay okay I get it" He calmly says while looking at me with nothing butpure sadness. I hate the look he's giving me. It makes me feel like I'm a sad vulnerable person when I'm not.
"No, Harry, you don't get it. You don't get to ask me if I'm okay when you haven't even spoken to me for three days" I snap, getting agitated but getting ready to get up and go out for some fresh air to clear my mind.
"I've been busy Matilda" He snaps.
"Yeah, so have I. Want to know what I've been doing pulling my skin not liking the person I am" I snap and turn towards the door without saying another word while I leave him looking like he's done something wrong but he's done nothing wrong and i'm just pushing people away again.
......
I hope your all okay?
The next chapters are gonna be a bit eventfull and my Dms are always open if you want to talk to someone you are never alone and i hope you know that.
