Matilda h.s

{20}

29/9/17

Matilda

It's been a week since I have tried to take my own life but also broke the year and 21 days of self-harm. All that hard work has gone to nothing but yet the only way I could have done that is that I got too much in my head. It's the same cycle all over again. The first day I didn't talk to anyone due to how disappointed in myself I was but also the fact that everyone was blaming themselves for what I have done to myself. The way Harry left my room without another word with hurt in his eyes, the way I couldn't even look Miles in his eyes due to what I have done to him. I caused him pain even though I didn't need to. He was enjoying his time with Izzy yet I had to ruin it with a decision that I didn't need to make. I ruined everyone's night yet they are all still here.

I haven't seen Harry since he last looked at me like I've crushed him. I broke a piece of him but also a piece of me at the same time. You always think that the people that you don't rely on most would never leave you but the way one thing could happen and it could change it all. I needed him even if he didn't need me. I can see the way I look at him. He's like the piece of myself that I have been searching for and I felt. I felt that I found it until he left. I mean he's not mine and plus we never really got to know each other properly. He was just a stranger that saved me even though I never wanted to be saved. That night on the roof I was gonna do it. I was gonna end it all until he came. He came and it was like he understood me. It was like he understood me in a way that I didn't understand myself. That was the last night I self-harmed but also the last time I tried to end it all.

Miles told me that Harry was the one who saved me. The one who found me. The one who took me to the hospital. The one who didn't leave my side until I woke up. He cares about me but I wish I had seen it before. Before I went to the girls' toilets. I was selfish and that makes me feel even worse about myself. The decision I made was not supposed to affect anyone except me. It shows that no matter what I think people will always be there for me. Maybe not all the time but when I need them they will be there even if we haven't talked in a while.

I haven't left the apartment all week, maybe even my bedroom. I haven't had any motivation to take care of myself like I normally would. I haven't had the routine that I've always followed. Get up, get ready and go somewhere to clear my head. I've done nothing except lay in my bed staring at my plain white bedroom wall while the days pass by. My thoughts have been all over the place and I just don't really know what to do with myself. Miles has come in for a shoulder to cry on but I keep pushing him away. Even Zayn has come in at times wanting to see if i'm okay. He's probably only seeing me knowing Harry doesn't have the guts to come over here and talk to me. I mean it's probably for the best so I don't see his face and remember the look he stared at me with.

I talked to Zayn about my feelings. He told me that no matter how I felt inside or what I was thinking about I will always have people whether it's one person or two there will be people that need me and I need them. I felt that I could talk about anything with him. I was close to telling him about what happened in my past but it's too soon. How can I know that I can trust him? Is he gonna leave me like my Dad did but also Ace? I talked about the topic of Harry feeling like he knows him best out of everyone. He said that he would come around but I still feel like I've broken him in a way that I can't explain. Zayn came round the apartment at times but it was mostly Miles coming in and out of my room to give me a drink or food or even if it's just the task of helping me brush my teeth and shower. He's the brother figure that I never knew I needed until I met him.