"You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up"
When 20 year old Matilda moved down to London after growing up qu...
AN: Please remember that this is purly fiction I have clarified the medical parts with a friend that sudies medical things. Some things may not be correct but this is purly fiction. Please also remember that you are not alone and there are people that love you even if you don't feel like it.
TW: suicide attempt/self halm/mentions of sucide
25/8/17
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Matilda
Getting too lost in my head for anyone to notice me in the roof full of people dancing on each other and having the best time in the world. One of the worst feelings is when you are feeling alone. I mean you could be in a room full of people yet still feel like you're the only one in there. I mean alone as like you have everything you could have dreamed of but some days you feel like you have no one. It starts with your friends out having fun, then it turns into not being invited to things because you don't text them, and then finally it turns into sitting in the corner of your bathroom floor knowing the pain you feel is from it all. The loneliness, the tiredness, The wanting things to do yet have no energy to do them at all.
I have the best friends that I can ever ask for but yet I feel alone. I guess the only reason I feel like this is because of how much I went through when I was little. My dad leaving, my mum turning to alcohol because of how much pain I bring to her, I had to look after my sister when she was just a 4 month baby while having to make time for school. I never tell people about what I've been through knowing that once I tell them knowing they would give me a look of sympathy.
Sympathy
I hate that look. It makes people look weak. It's an emotion that tells people that they shouldn't have gone through the shit that they went through but yet it still happened.
Not wanting to feel so much pain I have ever felt. I stumble to the nearest bathroom while not concentrating with my eyesight being blurry from tears. Stumbling into people around me that look to be having more fun than I am.
"Matilda, where are you going?" Niall's voice rises knowing that I'm not currently in the right mindset to be alone right now.
"I'm going to find a bathroom" I shout while trying to disguise my voice so he can think that I'm okay and I'll be out soon to join them all again.
"Okay well do you want me to come with you?" He asks with his words dripping with the sound of concern.
"No ill be fine" I shout while stepping in through the girls toilets going to the first stall at the end of the room,
Locking the door behind me but my legs giving out before I can fully lock it. Feeling silent tears run down my face while tasting the saltiness of the ones that land in my mouth, Digging through my bag wanting to find the one thing that I can rely on to cope.
