"You can let it go
You can throw a party full of everyone you know
And not invite your family, 'cause they never showed you love
You don't have to be sorry for leaving and growing up"
When 20 year old Matilda moved down to London after growing up qu...
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Matilda
Waking up with a weight around my waist makes me tense but once I realise it's Harry I relax. His breaths feathers along the crook of my neck making goosebumps rise. I always wondered if I would ever get this back. Him, I and the comfort that is passed between us. For the past few days there have been little conversations that have made me feel awkward to be around. I should talk to him but yet it's like every word just disappears when I'm around him.
I should hate him for leaving but how can you hate someone who you missed them the most. Yes he left but everyone deserves a second chance. That doesn't mean we can just jump right back to where we were but I know there will be progress and hopefully we can contain the tension in our own little bubble even though everyone knows that something has gone on between us both. Only Zayn and Anne knew that Harry had left but of course Zayn had told Miles so now everyone knows, except the secret that only I know and Harry knows, yet I plan to keep it that way until I have the guts to tell them.
I don't think I can tell them and if I didn't it would save them but also me the heartache of knowing that I have failed. I just know that when I am ready I'll tell them. It'll all come out sooner or later whenever I'm ready or if I don't want it to, somehow it will and everyone will just look at me like I'm the same broken eighteen year old I was but still am.
"Merry Christmas" He rasps out making me smile from hearing his voice.
"Merry Christmas Harry" I mutter as we just lay in silence embracing the moment between us.
"You still up to go to Miles later?" He asks while his thumb strokes the side of my body making my body melt into him.
"Of course it's Christmas I want to spend it around people that I know want me around" I feel his body tense when I say the reply making me feel bad of how it sounded. "No I didn't mean it-"
"Hey Tilda it's okay I get what you mean" He soothes me not making me feel any better.
"I hate this" I mutter, beginning to get out of the bed making his arm fall from my waist.
"What do you hate?" He asks me while I go to the wardrobe to get out a black jumper and a red chequered skirt paired with black tights and black boots. Maybe I'm overdressing but this is my first real family Christmas gathering. The first Christmas with my sister here. I turn around to see his arm propping his head up while gazing at me like I'm gonna break.
"This, us, we can't have a conversation without one of us thinking we have said the wrong thing. It's tiring Harry. If you don't like that I relapsed in my self harm then leave or wake the fuck up and accept it. I did it exactly twenty seven days after you left. That's when I relapsed. I was broken, you left me and I could not keep myself afloat from the thoughts. Maybe if you didn't leave it wouldn't have happened but I'm not going to say that because that would be a dickish move to pull. All I'm saying is wake up and realise not everything is going back to how it was before. Things have changed, Harry, we have changed." Tears burn my water line but holding them back like my life depends on it. Not waiting to hear what he has to say I walk into the main bathroom locking the door behind me. Sighing, placing my head on the door feeling like everything around me is crumbling beneath me, I don't have control.
