Our Secret little Rendezvous

The school library

📌 Written by me

———————— Chapter 20

It's just like I'm back in primary school, back in my childhood room, sitting on my bed hugging my pink pillow; my old favourite colour. Waiting for the fight in the living room to be done, so I could eat my breakfast before its lunchtime.

I remember secretly wishing they'd get a divorce, don't judge me, I was in 2nd grade. It was weird seeing two people who are supposed to be in love, who are supposed to hold each other and be there for each other, fight like they actually hate each other.

Sometimes my mother even said, she wanted a divorce. My dad screamed at her, told her he would take me and my brother and kick her out of his house or just leave. I don't know which one would be worse.

Sometimes not often, but sometimes my mother would walk into my room or during dinner, and ask with whom I would want to live if they'd get divorced. She said it as a joke, but she put so much pressure on me.

Or she asked me if I love her, I obviously said yes, then she told me that if I love her I would do bla bla bla.

I never told her, but I always knew I wanted to be with my dad. I was afraid, I couldn't possibly say that I want to be with him without her ending up hating me or slapping me or something else.

But it's my dad. It for sure was, if I had to choose, if the attorney would ask me to point at a parent I want to stay with I would have pointed at my dad.

Little Penelope was terrified of her mother, for a good reason. I saw her throw glass on the ground during fights, she broke stuff when she was angry. She screamed so loud, you'll think she wants to kill you.

I would look myself in the bathroom crying waiting for her to calm down, then go apologize because dad said so.

She once got mad at me, and she had a Clorox flask in her hand, for a second I thought she would spray it on my eyes, she is that crazy.

But to be fair, my dad cheated on my mother for 4 fucking years, still they didn't get a divorce, I don't know why. I always felt bad that I rather stay with a cheater than with my mother.

Thank god, they never got divorced, and I didn't have to choose. At 15, they still fought, but it's better, sometimes you can see that they like each other.

Really downhill everything went as my mother downloaded a handy game, she got addicted and at first the fights got worse, my dad once tried to rubbish her phone, she took it and left, only for a few hours tho.

I always thought that this just happened because of a stupid game, I often thought about deleting it from her phone, so everything would go back to normal. But I was always too afraid what she would do if she would find out.

Micah did, he just deleted it, but she had saved the app information and just downloaded it again, that's when I gave up.

I realized that things aren't going back to normal, because this was the new normal. Took me a while.

I don't know about Micah he never told me what he thought about all this, I sometimes just talked about how unfair she is, he always said it's okay.

I kind of became the quiet kid, she used to tell me to tell her about my day, but every time I tried, she had other things to do. So I just didn't try and went into my room. She didn't like that either, I was either too loud or too quiet. Too much on my phone or too much outside.

When I got a b it was not good, when I got an A, she didn't even smile. I worked and stressed myself so hard that in ninth grade my brain stopped doing what it can, I was totally burned out.