Our Secret little Rendezvous

Not my blue anymore

📌 Written by Im_a_weirdoo20

———————— Chapter 33

Waking up thinking of her for 3 week in a row, is not an idea way of living. There's too much heartbreak still.I love her, that hasn't changed.My heart breaking, that also hasn't changed.I dream that we will be back together again, but that is something that will probably never happen again. I dream that we got to do all those milestones every couple goes through, but they wont become a reality.I've lost my muse...  I lost my blue.She's not my blue anymore though, she's probably someone else's now.I lay in bed, wondering of the past and thinking of where it all went wrong. I did nothing wrong... I was great to her, she was my everything.She's the one that ended it... not me.She probably thought it was an easy way out, and acted like she cared when I cried on her shoulder before she rushed out my door. She probably thought she had finally had a reason to leave me.My parents were even in town last weekend, and all they would talk about is my weight, and it being the reason my girlfriend broke up with me. I don't blame them... it probably was the reason she broke up with me.But maybe I'm getting in my head about it. Maybe I'm just overthinking every interaction we ever had. But then again, maybe I'm making her actions seem bigger than they were, and overthinking those to convince myself that she liked me.I don't know anymore.All I know, is she's not here anymore, and that's all I care about.I'm all alone.A knock on my door pulls me from this whirlwind of thoughts I'm having."Oliver, would you come out please?" George speaks through the door.I sigh, "Give me a second."I pull my blankets away from over my head, and grab my phone from the floor beside me and unlock it.And then I'm hurting again.Because the first thing to come up, is a picture of Blue and I together.I exhale heavily, and exit out of my photo's app to check the time.Its only 10am

I sit up, and look down at my naked torso, hating the fat on my body that I see, so I stand up quickly, and go to grab one of my hoodies.. my blue one. And luckily, it doesn't smell like her anymore. I put on a random pari of pants, and slowly walk to the door.George is waiting for me  on  the other side when I open it."What do you want?" I ask him."Come on." Is all he says before leading me to the living room.Its Ava... Just like how she's been here the last two weeks... on the exact same days.. at the exact same times."Hey Oliver." She says to me."Ava, to what do I owe the surprise this time." I say coldly."Just checking in with you, seeing how youre doing.""Is this for you, or for her?""If you can say her name, ill tell you.""Can't. Sorry." I haven't said her name to anyone, only in those dream to reach out to her before she turns to dust."What has gotten into you?""Oh you know, just the girl I love breaking up with me... probably because she never liked me in the first place, and thought it would be a great opportunity to break up with me when her brother found out.""How can you say that?" she looks at me disapprovingly, shaking her head, as if im a completely different person.  "Because I'm probably right... or she thought I was too fat.. either one.""Ok, if you knew Penelope at all," I wince a bit at the mention of her name, "Then you would know that she does care about what you look like.""Does it really matter anymore? Ive already lost her." I ask coldly, and with a shrug of my shoulders.She cant seem to come up with a reply, she cant seem to be able to comprehend how much this has hurt me.Her roommate made me cry, and to take away the heartbreak, ive been getting high every night.. hell, im probably still a little buzzed from last night."Look at me." She says to me, concern lasing her voice, sensing what im thinking.. probably because I overheard George tell her about my relapse a week or so ago.

Slowly, I look her in the eyes.. and that's when she sees it."Oliver... are you... high?""Who the fuck knows anymore. I can't tell the difference. I don't know what its like to be sober, because my two moods right now is heartbreak, or a little bit of heartbreak and being away from the pain, so I went with the second option. Im sorry that that seems to upset you., Ava.""It's not me you should worry about.. you should worried about yourself, and your health.""But this is how I stay skinny.. it adds more anxiety and paranoia.. but to be skinny again is the goal.""Who made you like this?""Oh, just my entire family.""Oliver.. that isn't healthy. Does Penelope know?""About the little disorder I have? Yeah, she walked in while I was having a breakdown about it. But hey, maybe that's another reason why she broke up with me, because I break down and cry too much. Lets list out the reasons why she could have broken up with me, shall we; Im too fat, I break down and cry, she didn't want to ruin my relationship with my ex best friend, or because she could have found my secret stash. You pick."She just shakes her head at me, probably thinking about how far done the rabbit hole ive gone down. "But she does not know about the whole addiction I had before I met her. I was going to tell her, but she left me before I could.""Oliver, you have got to get your shit together. If not for you, then do it for your little blue bird." I look up aat her at the mention of her nickname, "Just try."

"She left me already, I don't need to get better."

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I'll coming back to make this look better