falling

I feel you and I... unraveling

We spend the next day in his room in the shady apartment. There are people and noises coming in and out, but we stay in our bubble only going to the kitchen for water. We order pizza and eat in bed while unraveling more about each other and our pasts.

I am surprised to learn such harsh truth about him. About his brother, his mother and how his family fell apart. They were a normal family up until his brother turned 15 and started hanging with a bad crowd. He started light with drinking and partying. Until it consumed him and he got involved with drugs, dealing, violence. His brother was really spiraling out to the point where they were just waiting for the phone call about him being arrested or dead. Those were the only two ways his lifestyle could end. At the same time his mother got diagnosed with biapolar disorder. It shook their household upside down. She had to have care, his father seized down on his work to take care of her. Their financial situation suffered. 

Then his brother got arrested for violence, leading his mother to a breaking point. His father held them all together until it became too much for him too. Hero was getting out of hand with a similar lifestyle that his brother had lead previously, obviously learning nothing from his mistakes. But, he got lucky the Dornans took him in before it was too late, providing him a secure and stable home on the other side of London. Far away from his past fall holes and mistakes. He got back to HS, got back into basketball and got his life in line again. 

He is still having the feeling, almost the whole time, of not belonging, of being somehow misplaced. He still doesn't talk to his father. He would like to he thinks, but doesn't know how to approach it all. His mother lives at home now and, they still live in the same house where he grew up here in London. All information about them he gets from Amelia, Brandon and Shannons mother, who keeps in touch with his mother. Thats also how he came to live with them in the first place. His mother watched Brandon and Shannon when they were babies up until teenage years. 

She was a nurse, but couldn't find work at the time so she became a nanny. The Dornans had good and busy jobs and needed a nanny for Shannon, later also Brandon. She worked with them full time until she had her own kids, then she started working at a public clinic. But would still go and help out the Dornan kids with homework, driving them to activities and bringing us along. So we all kind of grew up together. Eventually it was celebration of birthdays and christmases together. They really helped a lot even though we came from two different worlds, somehow my mum and Amelia clicked and made sure that we all click. As we grew older the family gatherings became less frequent but, the two of them kept in touch and now they talk daily and Amelia visits her often. They go for walks, drink tea and see old movies or the theater which my mum loves, but can't afford, so Amelia takes her. 

His brother is still in jail, for another two years. His name is Lucas, he is three years older. Its pretty shit. And on days it, the whole family history, can weigh him down wholly. On good days he can think about it as not being something he can control or that it has anything to do with him, he can rise above it. But on bad days, it feels like it will swallow him. 

H: When I am with you though, I forget about it. You make me forget all of it. It's nice. You make me feel normal and... light. The way you look at me makes me feel like I have a purpose, like I belong somewhere. And things just make sense. 

She smiles with so much love and admiration in her eyes, they are glowing.

J: They do make sense dont they

He smiles too and we lean in for a kiss

J: You are amazing

H: So are you

I tell him about my life, about my parents divorce when I was 14 and how it broke me completely. How I drowned in drinking, partying, drugs and boys. And Dylan. To forget it all, to make me numb.