A Starting Point

CHAPTER THIRTY- DIRTY

William

I gave up trying to dump Patsy.
In fact, I felt an overwhelming urge to just use it. I wanted to take out all the anger I felt towards Heloyse on her. But when I was with Patsy, naked, sleeping next to me, I felt like the most miserable, dirtiest man in the world. The most miserable of all.
I imagined her eyes looking at me. I imagined it was Heloyse in my arms. I closed my eyes and when Patsy called my name, it was Heloyse's voice that I heard. And when I was done, I couldn't look the woman occupying that bed in the face. When she hugged me, I felt disgusted with myself. I felt like running out of that place.
Why did I feel this way? Why did I have to keep thinking about her?
She was kissing another guy. I even thought she was falling in love with me.
"What's going on, Will?"
Patsy squirmed, so I got up and pulled on my pants. I looked out the window at the deserted street and wondered what she was doing. Was it with him? What was so special about her to move me like that?
I wish I had kissed her more, until I reached her soul. I ended up being too much of a coward to keep her. She didn't deserve someone like me.
Confusion! My head was fuzzy.
"You are confusing, Will."
I would never know how to love her. I don't know how to love. I never tried to love a woman. But is this something we try or just happen?
I felt as empty as that street at dawn. I looked at Patsy and felt remorseful. I had done what no woman deserves. I had used it to forget another one. And just thinking that Heloyse could be in the arms of that son of a bitch, I felt a certain despair.
"You wouldn't know how to love, Will. Leave her alone! You wouldn't know how to love her. That's why you don't love her."
I didn't love Heloyse. No, I didn't love her. It was a terrible, strange attraction.
Patsy stirred and gave a little sigh. Tomorrow I would apologize to her. I had to put an end to all of that. I was an empty man with an empty heart. I would never love anyone. Not even you, sunshine.