A Starting Point

CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO- "YOU CAUSE PAIN"

William

He was pale, eyes now large in his face. The disproportionate head on top of a malnourished body and his voice was hoarse, breathy.
That was how Martin found himself.
In addition to not moving his body, he was constantly fighting an infection in his lungs. It was visible that illness was taking what little life was left in him.
"I'm going to die and I haven't even met the mother of my children," he said, a faint smile on his face. “There will be no little Martins running around.
- Not you gonna die! - I spoke while holding your hand.
I knew it was a gesture he didn't feel.
“Don't lie, Will. I already accepted my fate.
"You say it like you're giving yourself away." You have to fight, Martin. Your parents need you, your sister... I do. It's like a brother to me.
“They'll be fine. I know you'll take care of them for me, so I'm at ease. And, there will come a day when you will have your family, Will. You won't feel alone. I will cheer for you wherever I am.
"Still fantasizing about it?" I don't want to get married or have kids. I'm like a free bird, Martin. I don't need those things to move forward.
- Free? You could only be a free bird if you flew, but you're always hurt. Ever seen a wounded bird fly, Will? He gets trapped in his own pain and dies. There is not an ounce of freedom in you. And I'm sorry about that. I wish I could help you. All these years and you haven't left the past.
Martin knew my story. His grandmother who lived in my old neighborhood had told me months before she died. I remember that the first time he brought up the subject, I wanted to break his face, however, he was like Thom: he knew how to say the right things, even when we didn't agree or didn't want to hear it.
“I can't help it.
"Shakespeare said that to regret a past pain in the present is to create another pain and suffer again." Was he right. I see it in you.
"Damn Shakespeare".
Martin coughed and asked for some water. A nurse took his temperature and reported the onset of a fever.
“I'm so tired, Will. I can't wait for this to end. I don't want to live and be the suffering of my parents. I just want this to be over.
“I'm sorry, Martin. I would donate something of myself if it would make you feel better.
- I know I know. Now go. I need to sleep and rest. I just want to rest. Sleep is the best thing that happened to me after that accident.
- So rest.
"Will... There will be a day," he said, his voice weak and breathless, "when you will find someone." And she will be the cure for all your hurts and on that day my friend... You can be free.
He closed his eyes and slept. In fact, after that day, Martin slept a few more times and never woke up... At least, not here.

***

“Yes, I found it and I will let you go.”
I saw her being thrown away. Far away from me and I was responsible.
I stayed still while Cielo screamed and other people helped her. Johnson screamed “its his fault” and he was right.
I ran and passed between the people who were next to her. And so, I sat down on the floor to look at her. My heart sank when I saw her. The nose bleeding from the blow I had given her and the head with an exposed wound. I looked some more and saw one of her fingers, broken and I felt so miserable.
It was all my fault. I should have walked away instead of staying and going after Johnson. I wouldn't have hurt her and this wouldn't have happened.
"I'm going to kill you, you bastard," Johnson was shouting as some held him down.
“Unhappy” as Kimberley's mother had called me.
"Haven't you had enough, Johnson?" — were Cielo's words.
I didn't take my eyes off her. From my Lisy!
That old tremor in my hands was there, accompanied by the sweat. Then something strange happened. I felt my body shake, my breath go away. My voice got choked and something cold touched my face. I ran my fingers over my face, surprised by the tears that were coming down. After years, I was crying.
I stroked her hair and cried bitterly.

***

I was in the waiting room when the doctor said she was sedated. Afterwards, I went to the police station to explain the scene that happened to me and that son of a bitch. Johnson accused me of having attacked Heloyse.
skyarrived a short time later and explained in detail what he saw. He took with her, Victoria and both confirmed that it was all an accident.
I was impatient, wanting to stay with Heloyse at the hospital.
When everything was clear, I went to the farm to take a shower and dress up. I didn't want to do the dressings in the hospital. I didn't want them to touch me. My mood was like a storm and I didn't want anyone around. Just her.
When I pulled the truck into the driveway, I sat right there and wondered what would happen now. I could no longer deny that, in fact, everything happened because of me. I should have let Johnson speak. I could have pulled out and everything would have been fine.
Instead of ignoring him, I went for aggression and with that, I hurt her too.
“I just do shit!”
I looked at my hand with a makeshift bandage, already showing signs of swelling. I was in pain, as was my face, which was also hurt, however, nothing compared to what I felt inside of me. It hurt a lot!
I cried for her. I didn't cry for others, but I cried for her. And if what we had continued, I would make her cry harder than I already have. The other times, it was words and actions, now, I had physically hurt her.
“Poor women.”
How many more times would this happen?
I couldn't forgive myself.
I tried not to be like my grandfather and father, but it seems that even without intending to, I end up being like them. I cause pain.
I spent many minutes thinking about how to fix things and I couldn't come up with a solution. What I wanted most was to be with her, but I didn't know if she wanted to see me. What if she was hating me?
Some time later, I was already clean and went to the hospital. Heloise was still sleeping. She had a swollen face with bruises, a cut on her head, a broken finger...
I needed to make a decision. I needed to put things in order as soon as possible. I spent endless hours in the waiting room and when she woke up, I couldn't get close. I asked Cielo to invent something. I was a goddamn coward.
The next day, I could no longer ignore what was happening and went to visit her. She smiled as I approached her bed and kissed her cheek.
“They're for you.
Heloyse put the flowers on her nose and inhaled the perfume.
- Thanks.
I didn't give flowers when we were well and now I had given her when she was in a hospital bed.
I sat and waited for her to say something. She had questions to ask and I really wasn't prepared.
"Why didn't you come yesterday?" I waited for you.
- I know. I just couldn't.
"Will, you know you're not to blame for anything, right?"
“I look at your bruised face, your finger, that cut on your head, and I can't think like you do.
“I shouldn't have done that. I should have guessed this would happen. You were nervous and I shouldn't have approached you. The mistake was mine.
“You're the only one not to blame.
She looked at her flowers, touched a few petals absently and then took a deep breath.
“I'm fine, Will. Interest! I don't want this to spoil things between us.
What could I say? It was impossible to look at her and say she was fine.
“I need to sort out some things in Houston. Problems with accounting. I'm going away for a few days. Now that you're all right, I'll go easy. I'll have your things taken to the farm and Eva will take care of you.
— I'm going to my house and I'm going to stay with Cielo.
— In my house you will have more comfort.
“In your house I'm going to feel like you're trying to make amends for what you've done. You don't have to. Besides, you won't be there. I don't care about being there without you.
“I really can't stay.
She nodded and lowered her head.
“Will, I love you. Is that you? You love Me?
"Don't do that, Heloise".
- Why the question?
"Just answer me."
"Of course," I said, frowning.
"Of course," she repeated thoughtfully.
I got up, tilted my head and kissed her on the forehead. Heloyse, gently held my hand.
A nurse came in with a tray and some medicine. She greeted me and then placed the tray next to the bed.
“You look better, dear.
“Thanks,” she said to the nurse.
— Soon you will receive a visit from a doctor. You will do some tests and you will be able to clear all doubts about the miscarriage you suffered. I know you are suffering now, but calm down, because I believe you can be a mother again.
My heart fluttered so fast I opened my mouth to say something. I wasn't able to. The nurse said a few more words and both she and I couldn't pay attention.
Heloyse became visibly pale and I had to sit down in the armchair.
Abortion.
Pregnancy.
Dad?
Those three words swirled in my brain. I couldn't think straight.
After the nurse left, I muttered a curse and went quiet again.
“Abortion? I asked, when the words came back.
"Yes," she replied and lowered her gaze.
I never wanted to have a family. To tell you the truth, I never liked to imagine my life as a family man. Though twice it crossed my mind when I was with her.
A son? I almost had a baby? The word was strange to me and at the same time, scary. How could someone like me be a father?
I hated the word "dad".
“Why didn't you tell me? You said you were taking precautions.
“I know what I said.
- Because lied?
“I just…” her voice was cracking and it bothered me, “I had forgotten a few days before we left for the lodge. But, I didn't care, even though I knew I could get pregnant. And if you must know, I really wanted this pregnancy.
She rubbed the back of her hand next to her eye, wiping away the first few tears that fell.
— You should have spoken the truth when I asked if you were taking precautions, Heloyse. I would have bought a fucking pill...
"Are you goddamn deaf?" I said I did.
"I didn't want to, hell!" I yelled and got up from the chair.
When I heard the first sob come out of his mouth, I felt like I was the worst man on the face of the earth. I ran my hands over my face and reached over to touch hers and she pushed it away. I went back to the armchair, propped my elbows on my legs and hid my face in my hands.
“That's why I didn't tell you. I knew you wouldn't want it.
"And you think I wouldn't notice?"
“When that day came and you didn't want me, I was going to have something of yours. Because, Will, I love you so much that having your child was no torment for me.
Those words shattered me into a thousand pieces.
'Lisy, I would never reject a child. I'm mad you didn't tell me. I'm mad because if I had known, I would have taken care of you. Shit! Don't you understand that you lost this child because of me? If I'd known…” I was silent for a few seconds. I couldn't let my voice fail. — When I said I didn't want to, I meant that if I had to have a child, choose to have one, I didn't want to. I didn't want to because I don't know how to deal with these things. You can't imagine how terrified I feel when I think about having a family. I already had one, Lisy, and it was painful. I only have bad memories. I don't know if I would be a good father. Just hearing the word "father", I feel a despair in my soul that I could never explain to anyone. It's like a phobia. I feel tremors in my hands and they start to sweat... I don't want to be a father, because I don't know if I can. What if I'm a distant parent? That even close, you don't know how to love? What if it hurts? Did you see what I did to you?
- It was not your fault.
“I hurt anyway. Even though I don't want to, it seems like it's in my blood to hurt someone. If you were still pregnant I would never reject you, but would I be a good father? Can you answer me for sure? Because, shit, I'm confused.
- Yes, I can. I believe in it. You're good, Will. Look what you've done for Martin's family. Look how he treats his employees. You're good with the Mitchells... Impossible to be a bad father.
"Lisy, do you understand that because of the blow I gave you, you were run over?" What could have died? Do you understand that because of all this, you lost a child? Can't you see that I killed him? And if you had a much more advanced pregnancy? Can you imagine? Oh, my God, this is horrible... I'm horrible!
I couldn't keep my voice steady. I would have a child if all that hadn't happened. I didn't want to be a father, so why was I deathly sad? It hurt inside my chest. It hurt so much!
“You're crying, Will.
There was surprise in her voice.
“I cried for you. When I saw you on the ground, I cried for you. But, Heloyse... There won't be other times.
So I left the room. I leaned my back against the door, letting all the air out of my lungs and I could hear her crying very softly. I caused tears, I caused pain, I hurt and now, I caused death.
If I hadn't fainted as a child, my mother wouldn't have thought the worst. She wouldn't have taken her own life, thinking I was dead. In a way, I felt guilty about that too.
Once, my mother took my place, hugging me. My father said "you are despicable, Davies... You cause pain".
I caused pain. And yes, I was despicable.