A Starting Point

CHAPTER SIXTY- THE PAST IN MY PRESENT

Heloyse

I was crossing the hall when I heard a soft cry. I scowled at the smell that permeated the room.
“Michael, get a diaper, please.
Michael reached into the bag and pulled out a diaper, then handed it to me.
After being changed, I picked Julie up and gave her a bottle. As she suckled on my lap, I watched her features. They were as beautiful as Michael's — You look like Daddy.
She removed the bottle from her mouth and yawned. The thick, dark curls looked like a wig, they were so full.
"That's why you're so beautiful," Michael said.
I laughed and got up to take Julie to her crib. Minutes later, she had fallen asleep, so I left the room.
- Need help? - I asked.
"Help me by hanging the balloons on the wall," said Margot, handing me a full balloon.
Ashley was taking her time with the towels. Michael went in to get a hammer. The outside table had a broken leg and he would fix it.
"Has anyone seen my hammer?"
"If you who live here don't know, imagine me, Michael," Margot said, rolling her eyes.
We both laughed and then I pointed to the hammer on top of a stool.
After hanging the balloons outside, I went in to check that Julie was still asleep and found her sitting in her crib. Sure enough, the sound of hammering and tables being dragged around woke her up.
“Oh, my girl, you're awake. Come here.
She held out her little arms for me to pick her up. I picked her up and gave her a kiss on her chubby cheeks.
The doorbell rang and everyone was out in the yard, busy with their stuff, so I went to open the door.
The parked black car was large and luxurious.
There was a man on his back with his hands in his pockets.
He wore black jeans and a jacket of the same color.
It took all the strength in my lungs to catch my breath.
She had shoulder-length blonde hair, so shiny and looking as soft as ever. He looked good. Much prettier than he remembered.
“Will?
It was the only thing I could say as he walked, until he stopped next to me.
The incredibly clear eyes still fascinated me. I remembered comparing him to a predator the first time we met. That feline look, it was still there.
The face was hairless and the lips were still inviting. I could see that he had slimmed down, yet, by the arms, I noticed that he still had defined muscles. He was still extremely, exaggeratedly handsome. That should be a crime.
So many things came to my mind.
I missed those lips, the woody smell he had, his hands touching me when we had our bodies joined... It was still there. Everything clear.
Seeing him was like igniting a spark in gunpowder that was sitting somewhere, waiting to be ignited.
- How is it going? - he asked.
Before I could answer, the door opened.
"Is there a problem, Lisy?" Michael frowned when he saw Will standing in front of me. — Is he your friend?
"Yes," I said, handing Julie over to him. "Go with Daddy."
Julie cried a little, holding out her little arms for me to pick her up again. I kissed her chubby hand, promising I'd be back for her soon.
- You'll be fine? - She asked.
- Yes I will.
Michael looked once more at Will. He stared at him for a few seconds, looking unfriendly and entered.
Will and I stood there, looking at each other. There was a certain tension in the air. The weather was cold. The sky that late afternoon was a big gray blanket and I don't know if the cause of my shiver was the cold weather, or he was the cause.
No, I would never be able to forget that face, those hair, those lips… I needed to concentrate.
"How did you know I was here?"
“Johnson gave me your address. I went to where you lived and a lady said you would be here.
“Johnson? Why would he do that?
“Said it was a way to fix things.
"I see," I said, crossing my arms.
My voice was calm, but inside me there was a deafening scream.
"Was that Michael?"
I shook my head, confirming.
He ran his thumb over his lips and then shoved his hands in his pockets.
"How do you manage to be with someone who dumped you for someone else?"
“You dumped me too.
“I freed you. I thought I was doing the right thing, keeping you away from me, yet I never left you for someone else.
“Well, life goes on and I forgave him.” He looked away. “Why did you come?
Before answering, he looked at me for a while with those green eyes so intense, making my heart race.
“I thought it would be right.
- The right? I asked with a bitter smile. "After two years, did you know what was right?"
“Not after two years…but during those two years I knew what was right to do. And I did, I just couldn't look for her.
"And what stopped you?"
“I needed to do something for myself. Then I thought about your reaction. I know I hurt your feelings. I also know that you think I'm a coward. I spoiled the opportunity I had to be happy with you. Johnson said you have a big crush on me. I didn't want you to feel that way.
"A little late to be thinking about that, don't you think?"
- Yes I know. And... I didn't come here to try to revive something that no longer exists. I just want to close this open circle between us. I wanted to live without carrying that remorse. I don't want to spend the rest of my life knowing you feel this hurt for me. It was painful for both of us. And during those years, it still hurts to know that I was a coward. I wanted your forgiveness, Heloyse. I know I don't deserve it, but I need it. It's what my soul needs to be at peace.
I sat down on the step next to the door and put my face in my hands. This was the same step that one day, Michael sat down to tell me why he had walked away from me. And there I was again, being overwhelmed by feelings.
I was doing so well. I knew that one day I would get over it all. Now, I wasn't sure.
“I forgave Patsy when she asked for forgiveness. I forgave Johnson, even though I had reasons not to. I forgave Michael, even after what he did. But you...? What did you do? You just finished what we had. No one is forced to stay with someone they don't want to. However, I can't help this hurt. Maybe it's like you said. I think you were a coward, who gave up on us. He got stuck in his damn past and didn't give himself the opportunity to be happy. So, looking at it that way, I must forgive him for being a coward, don't you think? Forgive him for letting me go back to Boston, heartbroken, again, just because you can't shake the bad memories and live the new ones we could have made? I do have heartache, Will. I could have made you happy if you'd let me. But, you destroyed it.
- Maybe not. Anyway, I needed to ask.
He took the first steps, going to the car. I got up and followed him.
"Are you going to give up my forgiveness, Will?"
"Perhaps we should talk another time." Do not want to disturb you. Besides, I can't take something you don't want to give me.
“That's how I felt when you broke up.
He shook his head and opened the car door.
"Are you going back to Clearwater?"
- Not. I'm staying here.
"Would you like to talk elsewhere?" We cannot leave this for later.
Michael won't mind if you go with me?
"No," I said, frowning.
— I left my cell phone at the hotel and am waiting for a client to call. If you want, we can go there.
I nodded and walked around, getting into his car. It was the first time I'd seen Will driving anything other than his huge truck.
Will steered the wheel with only one hand, while the other arm was leaning on the car door. In a few moments, he would look at me, then look at something else. And so, we walked in silence to the hotel.
We entered the elevator and not a word was said. They were the most suffocating seconds of my life. The atmosphere between us was tense, like thunderclouds.
He opened the door and waited for me to come in, then threw the key on the coffee table and indicated the sofa for me to sit on.
I sat back as he poured ice into a glass.
“There are some drinks here. Do you want to drink?
- Anything.
He opened the bottle of Jack Daniel's, poured the liquid into two glasses with ice and poured it for me.
After Will sat down on the sofa opposite, he took a sip of his drink and stared into his glass, until after an awkward silence, he decided to speak.
— You cut your hair and changed the color.
I tentatively ran a hand over my hair which was no longer so long. It had been a while since I had them cut below the shoulder. My hair was now light and a little voluminous due to the layers created by the cut.
"And it's prettier." You always were, only now, you're exaggeratedly beautiful.
I was wearing a blue dress with long sleeves. My knees covered by a pantyhose were exposed and I pulled the hem of the dress feeling uncomfortable.
— You didn't mind when I praised you.
- Things have changed.
- Yes, I saw.
There was mockery in his voice, but I ignored it.
He sipped his drink until there was nothing left in the glass.
Will was different. He must have been in his thirties, yet so young. He was a man who commanded attention wherever he went, regardless of age.
“I wish I'd come sooner. I asked Cielo about her address and she said she didn't know.
“She didn't lie. We keep in touch by phone and I never give out my address. I intended to let her know when she visited. She'll come at the end of the year.” I took a sip of my drink. “Why was she looking for me?
“Because I loved you and I wanted to see you to say it.
Once, Johnson said that Will loved me, using the past tense and it bothered me. Hearing Will use the same word, it was like the tip of a knife was slowly piercing me.
“I ended up giving up looking for her. I needed.
- I don't understand.
“I was in therapy.
“That's wonderful,” I said with surprise in my voice. - I'm happy for you.
- Thanks. It was the best thing I ever did. It helped me separate the past from the present. It made me see that the years are passing by and I need to enjoy the ones that are left. I can't grow old carrying this weight on my back. I also don't want to grow old alone. The past doesn't scare me so much anymore, because I decided to bury it somewhere — he was silent for a while, then continued —: The day you left, I wanted to drink until I forgot you existed. I drank everything I saw in front of me and destroyed everything I could. I called you and your cell phone was off. I got on the truck and decided to go after you, even though I didn't know where to find you. And precisely because I knew I wouldn't find you, I drank everything in the bottle while driving. I didn't care about anything. Oh, Heloise, I was so tired of my life' - he ran a hand over his face and looked at the ground, his eyes distracted - - that I thought maybe it would be better if I died. So, I let go of the steering wheel, accelerated and let the car go, while I drank everything that was in the bottle. I didn't see anything else.
I needed to get some air. I felt moisture present in my eyes.
— They say that what's bad doesn't break. It was the first thing I thought of when I woke up in the hospital. Then I thought that because of the drinking, maybe I hadn't put enough foot on the accelerator. The most I got were bruises on my mouth, eyes and a broken arm. The beating would not have been the reason for my death, but the drink would have. I could have died from an alcoholic coma and I didn't care. I wasn't caring about my life. Johnson came to visit me and I really wanted to kill him, but I couldn't get out of that bed, I couldn't speak or do anything, you know why? I shook my head. — I lacked life at that moment. I just wanted to die. My life tired me. I felt tired, since my childhood. So Calvin sent a psychologist over there and I couldn't hear a thing he said. I went back to the farm on autopilot. I reassured Calvin and Eva that I wouldn't do anything stupid again. I didn't know how long I would keep that promise. The months went by and, on one of Megan and Cielo's visits, I decided to ask her for her address. Cielo said he didn't know and asked me what would be the use. He said that before I looked for you, I had to look for myself, because that Will that I was could never make you happy. That's when I decided to go to therapy... That's why I didn't look for you. Cielo said he didn't know and asked me what would be the use. He said that before I looked for you, I had to look for myself, because that Will that I was could never make you happy. That's when I decided to go to therapy... That's why I didn't look for you. Cielo said he didn't know and asked me what would be the use. He said that before I looked for you, I had to look for myself, because that Will that I was could never make you happy. That's when I decided to go to therapy... That's why I didn't look for you.
After listening to him, I wiped the tear that fell on my face and stood up. I went to where the bottle was and helped myself.
He also got up and stood behind me like a big shadow, watching what I was doing.
His approach made me able to inhale his scent. His breath was close and if I wanted to touch him...
“I'm immensely happy for you. And I wish that you, one day, find happiness.
"Thanks," he said in a low voice.
I turned around and we were looking at each other. Will lowered his head, braced his hands on the drinks sideboard, surrounding me but not touching me. Our faces were just inches apart.
There was something in my throat and I needed to get free.
“I lay down and couldn't sleep. The nights were my biggest torment. I had nothing to take my mind off of and that was a danger as my mind was always on you, Will. During those years, I wondered if you missed me, not even for a minute. And you know what? I stayed strong. I'm not weak for still loving you. Yes, because I love. I'm also not weak to be honest. I'm not weak for suffering missing you. Because I managed to move on without chasing after you. The feeling is still here and we can't rule what we feel, but I didn't run after it. I was willing to get over it.
- I'm proud of you. You deserve to get over anything that hurt you. You don't deserve to spend the rest of your life in pain. I didn't think you still loved me. I thought there would be rancor, resentment, less love.
“I tried not to love you. When I went out, there was always someone who reminded me of you, but when I looked closely, there was nothing of you in them. It could be a word, a song, a damn truck sound... Everything reminded me of you. And now you're back. Why did you come back, Will? He wants to take my forgiveness, but with him he will take my heart, because I still love you. Much more than before. Oh, my God... It hurts too much to keep loving you.
He kept looking at me. He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear and took a deep breath. I waited for him to say he still loved me, however he didn't. I pushed him away and ran to the door.
- Where are you going? he asked, reaching over and tugging on my arm.
- I'm leaving.
“I want to stay.
— So tell me... Do you still like me?
Seconds passed and everything around me stopped when his answer came.
- Not!