A Starting Point

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR- I'VE NEVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE THIS

Heloyse

I still had my eyes closed, even though I was awake. I opened my eyes and saw on the wall clock that it was past eight thirty. So I turned to look at him.
“Will? was the first thing I said when I realized he wasn't in bed.
I could fantasize, thinking he was in the kitchen, preparing our coffee, but the silence of the house demonstrated the complete opposite. I knew this might happen.
I got up and went straight to the bathroom to take a shower. It wouldn't disappoint me. I repeated this numerous times.
I got out of the shower and put on a light fabric dress. Afterwards, I took my wet clothes that were on the floor and took them to be washed. An hour later, I had had breakfast and cleaned up the house.
Not going to lie... I was frustrated! There was no way not to think about what had happened the night before. And even less, in the fact that he didn't even wait for me to wake up to make it clear that it was just one night. It was just sex for him. I, with my tendency to fantasize romances, thought it had been love.

***

skywas taking scraps of food to the chickens when I saw her. She stopped and waited for me to approach.
"How are you, Lisy?"
- Well!
“I'm not convinced.
I put my hands on my hips and shrugged.
- Nothing happened.
–– Come on, I’ll change the water for the chickens. Enjoy and tell me what happened when we were away.
"Oh, you don't want to know. Not at all."

***

"He will hear me!"
— Forget it, Sky.
- Forget? You're not a prostitute, much less one of those little women he usually picks up.
“We don't have anything.
“They had it yesterday. He can't just walk out like that, without giving you some satisfaction, like you're that sleazy woman from Josh's, or even Patsy. Will will listen to me.
My laugh was inevitable.
- Why are you laughing?
- I was no virgin, much less fell for a flirt and now, I need someone to force him to marry me. This really is funny.
I could see Cielo's shoulders shake along with his silent laughter. She turned to me, still holding the wooden spoon, a long smile on her face.
- Sorry. I am not used to all this modernity. Of course I'm not going to force him to marry you. Oh, my God, that would be stupid. But, it was a tremendous lack of respect what he did. In my day, a man took a woman to bed when he really intended to be with her. And even if Will doesn't want anything to do with you, he could have waited for you to wake up and talk about it. Make it clear that it was just that and nothing more. He knows deep down that you're more than attracted to him.
“I knew it was just one night. He didn't do anything I didn't want him to do, but I wish he'd stayed with me. Even if it was for later, saying it was just sex. So I wouldn't feel so bad.
“I think you should go to him and talk about what happened.
- No, better not.
“You guys are complicated. In my day, if we missed it, we went to the person. If we loved each other, we told each other. If we wanted to talk, we talked. That simple! But, you... My goodness... You complicate too much!
“I asked him to stay, even if it was just for one night. I didn't ask for commitment, nor did he offer. I'm just like this, because I wish he had waited for me to wake up, or wake me up. That way I could see him leaving and it would be easier. The way he did it really made me feel disposable.
“What can I tell you, honey?
"You could lie to me." Tell him he'll be back and say he feels something more.
"My goodness... You really fell in love with him, didn't you?"
- Yea. What I've felt for Michael for nine years, I feel in seconds when Will looks at me. It doesn't compare to anything I've ever felt.
Really, I had never felt anything like this.

***

In the afternoon, Thom went to fix my sink pipe. I made coffee and served it.
“Today things are weird.
"Strange how?"
“Well… Will is in a huge bad mood. Excessively moody. More than usual. No one has ever seen him that way. Do you believe that from afar I saw him kicking the fence? So it is! And then I saw that you are not normal either. We talk and you don't listen. She's quiet and she put something in my coffee, just not sugar.
- Oh my God! I said, putting my hand over my mouth when I noticed the salt pot on the table. - I'm sorry! Sorry! Shit!
–– I don’t think so, no. The taste is quite salty.
I laughed at the comment and sat down.
"Are you going to tell me what's up with you?"
“And I don't know anything about his mood.
"Come on, darling, you don't have to lie!" Everyone knows there's something between you.
"'All' is a lot of people, huh?" I asked laughing, but Thom just arched one of his eyebrows, waiting for me to say something. - I'm not lying. I just think this bad mood has nothing to do with me.
"How much are you in love?"
- What?
- Answer the question!
I took a deep breath and lowered my head.
"Enough to be hurting right now."
- I see. But believe me, so is he.
“That sounds so far away.
"Still, that doesn't mean it's not true." He looked down at the floor for a moment. “I feel a deep sadness for Will.
- Because?
— The poor man parked himself in his childhood. Everything that happened in his life makes him think that everything he lived will be repeated. He takes cautious steps, afraid of doing something stupid.
- Like this?
'Good heavens!' I think I said too much.
“I wanted someone to tell me what happened to him.
“He will tell you. One day.
"And until then, what do I do?"
"Well... could you start by telling me where
save the sugar.
Thom poured the salty coffee down the sink and poured himself another cup of coffee. This time the coffee had been sweetened.
Half an hour later, the pipe was fixed.
By nightfall, I could no longer feign my calm. I had already broken two glasses while I was drying my dishes. I was distracted.
I put on a sweater and went to the O'Connor farm.
At that time, there were no more servants in the main house. There was only Schulte, near the gate in the small guardhouse. From six o'clock he was the doorman.
- Good night, Miss.
— Good night, Schulte. Is your boss in?
“Yes, it is. I'll see if he can get it.
- Thanks.
Seconds later, the gate opened.
I walked for a while, until I reached the house.
The room was empty. I went to the couch and sat down. The fireplace was lit, though, there was no sign of him.
After a while, I felt like I was being watched and looked to the side. Will was standing there looking at me. Hands in the pockets of black sweatpants, hair loose and wet. The slightly baggy gray T-shirt and bare feet.
I lost myself in time as I looked at him, until he spoke and brought me back to reality.
- Hey! - he said.
- Hey!
He walked, stopped by the fireplace and arranged the firewood.
“I had to come.
He nodded and then sat down at the coffee table, facing me.
"I wanted to stay, but I couldn't.
- Because?
Will opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak, but he didn't. He ran his hand over his mouth and outlined his lips. Afterwards, he let out a long breath.
“It's hard to tell. I just couldn't. I left and when I got here, I just wanted to walk. I even went to work, but, I was so irritated. So I walked to places I've never been on this farm. And maybe it doesn't make sense to you, but, I needed this.
“No, it doesn't make sense. And I understand very well about meaningless things.
He laughed and continued.
— I, for a moment, closed my eyes and went back to my teens. And then, I realized that I had never dated when I was a teenager. But, I had told so many lies to myself. One is that I was a normal teenager.
I remained quiet, listening carefully to what he was saying and, in a way, what he was doing was venting.
“I suddenly felt so small. Smaller than a speck of dust. As if my life so far has been so empty. Sometimes I feel like I've been living in walls. In fact, as if I were a big wall, hollow and immovable. Held by lines that could break at any moment, letting me collapse. You understand?
I said yes and waited for him to continue.
“I wanted to call you, like any normal person would. I wish I could tell you about my day, in a way I've never done before. I also wanted to have friends and sit with them. Tell you how it was to meet you, but I never had them. And, I asked myself what do I have to do to have it all. You make me want it all.
My heart ached for him. Will was so sad. Just listening to him talk about his loneliness made me want to cry agonizingly.
Although the tears didn't come, I couldn't stop my eyes from getting teary. I knew what it felt like to look to the side and see no one. Yes, I knew.
- Nothing makes sense. Not even my life makes sense. And, I can't help this feeling... This feeling that I'm so small.
“No, Will! You are not. I said it once but, I know you're not. I was wrong.
“And how do you know?
- I just know. I know you are a lot. Only you don't see it.
He shook his head and looked at me for a moment before looking away.
— I'm sorry, but today I don't have the head to talk to anyone — I masked my disgust, nodded and got up. — I'm sorry, Heloyse — he touched my arm. “I'm just in my moment.
"Okay... I..."
"Why don't you come here tomorrow morning?" I will be less grouchy.
I smiled and agreed.
- Excellent! - he said.
Will walked me to the door, but he didn't kiss me. He just said "see you later" and closed it.
I felt a trace of pain in my heart. It was certain that at that moment, he had avoided my presence.