A Starting Point

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE - WILLIAM'S SADNESS

Heloyse

"We're here!" said Will, drawing my attention to the place.
He got out of the truck and opened a big gate. On the left side, a huge hill followed ahead, making a curve.
After the truck was past the gate, Will got out and closed it. We go around the curve, along a stone road. On the right side, a descent full of lavenders ranging from purple to lilac. And further ahead, I could see the great river that embellished the landscape. At the end of the road, we stopped in front of a chalet as cozy as the ones we see in movies.
Will stood looking at the house for a while, then looked at me.
“This is beautiful, Will.
"Glad you liked it." Wait to see the rest.
He got out, came around and opened the truck door for me. We took our stuff and took it inside the chalet.
The cabin had dark wood furniture. Everything very clean. It was obvious that someone had gone to dust it hours before.
While Will took the truck to the back, I went to look into the other rooms. The first space was the living room. A sofa in "L", caramel was further ahead. An armchair stood next to a stone-clad fireplace. The side walls next to the fireplace were half glass, covered by huge white lacy curtains, the other half was wood like the whole cottage. On top of the fireplace, a brown wooden guitar was positioned upright. In the middle of the room, a dark coffee table and rug. This part was separated from another room by a staircase that led to the bedrooms.
This other room, on the other hand, had a black leather sofa, with several pillows and was in front of a bookcase, with a TV and books. Some paintings on the wall, rugs in earthy colors as well as the decor. A social bathroom, further ahead, a dining table with a beautiful vase of lilies. They were so well made that I actually thought they were real.
I went through a glass door to the kitchen. The cabinets were also made of wood. The two-door fridge, the mirrored stove and the TV were the only objects that broke the rustic air of that place.
I went upstairs and at the end, I found a small TV room and big windows with curtains. One big window faced the main entrance and the other the back. On the sides of the room were doors. It was definitely the rooms. I opened the door on the left side. The room was very tidy. The bed coverings were white as were the curtains. It also had a small bathroom with burgundy towels. The window was on the side of the cottage. From there you could see where the long descent to the gate began.
Then I went into the other room. This one was much prettier. The bedding was so white it was a pity to lie on it. At the end of the bed, there was a black sofa with three pillows, also dark. A white rug as soft as cotton. The bathroom was small but bigger than the one in the other room. There was a bathtub and it smelled so good.
I opened the French door and was speechless with what I saw. The view overlooked the river. I could see further ahead, flowers just like the one at the entrance. In the distance, mountains looked like paintings.
The deck had a table in the center with two chairs. They were made of wood too, with a beautiful vase made of braided ropes and white flowers, which, like the lily, weren't real. Further ahead, an “l” shaped sofa, with traced rope details and patterned cushions.
Everything was so beautiful, but nothing compared to that view. I was distracted for a while looking at her, I didn't even realize he was behind me.
“I used to come here with my grandfather.
I had a slight fright, but I didn't look back anyway. I continued looking at the landscape.
- It's beautiful. You must love coming here.
- Yes I liked. After he died, I didn't set foot here anymore.
"Who's coming to clean up?" I asked, turning to him.
“I have employees here. The property is large and still part of my farm. They live a few minutes away. It's a family of six. This morning I called asking them to clean the chalet.
"You did a good job."
- Made. Have you looked at the whole cottage?
“Yes, I did.
- Do you want to eat?
I nodded. He smiled and then looked away, avoiding my gaze.
"Will, I really enjoyed coming, but it doesn't mean that after what happened today, I'm going to accept what you proposed to me...
"Can we not talk about this?" At least while we're here?
“Okay, but eventually we'll need it.
- I know.
- Excellent.
“Fine,” he repeated. - What do you want to do?
“Actually, I wanted to go for a swim, only I didn't bring a bathing suit. Since you didn't tell me where we were going, I brought plain clothes.
“You can swim in a bra and—”
- Do not even think about it. I wear shorts.
- All right. I just wanted to help.
He gave a mischievous smile and at the same time so beautiful that I felt the urge to kiss him. My hands went to his face, while his gave a sign of life on my back. The kiss intensified and after a few seconds, I felt my back against the glass door.
The blood was pulsing frantically in our veins. My heart was so racing as if I had been running for hours. I moaned as his lips kissed my neck and his hands found their way inside my shirt, caressing my stomach.
"Stop, Will!" — I pushed him.
- What there was?
- Nothing. I just think we should spend the day enjoying the place. Do not you think?
"No," he said, laughing.
I laughed and pushed him away again, getting rid of him. Will took my hand and together we walked into the bedroom.
"Your things are here." If you want to change clothes, feel free. I'll go downstairs and prepare something to eat.
- OK!
He nodded and walked down the stairs.

***

I was in my jean shorts, a tank top and no flip flops. I made a ponytail and went downstairs.
“Smells good, Will. Which is?
— Eva made chili con carne, steaks, mashed potatoes, cheesy potatoes, pancakes and apple pie.
- This looks good.
- And yes! I told her we would buy our food, the problem is she is stubborn.
- She is lovely.
- Yea. This too.
We ate in silence. I wasn't even surprised anymore. Silence was normal for someone who lived around his secrets.
Some time later, we were at the river.
"Aren't you going to go in the water?" - he asked.
- I don't know. She seems to be freezing.
— You should enjoy it, since there isn't a sign forbidding you to swim.
"Ha-ha, idiot!" Now I don't even go in.
“Okay, miss. You asked for it!
Will got out of the water and ran towards me. I ran and laughed. I knew he would reach me, it was just a matter of time.
"Let go of me, Will!"
The request was useless. Will picked me up and threw me into the water.
"You idiot, imbecile!" I yelled as I felt the icy water on my skin. - You have problems? I'll kill you...
Suddenly, all my anger was gone. I looked at him and saw something I wanted to keep in my head for the rest of my life: Will was laughing.
That tired face gave way to a young and cheerful face. The sound of her laughter was so good to hear that I had to stop and listen. Will blushed a little and then looked away awkwardly. My God! He looked like a fifteen year old boy.
I couldn't break that moment. So from where I was, I started a water fight. We splashed water on each other, another time I ran so he wouldn't catch me. Between laughs and screams, kisses appeared. And among all the beauty of that place, there was Will. He was so handsome smiling that everything around him became simple and lifeless. Even that landscape.
“Okay, you win, Will!
"You still haven't spoken!"
"Then let me go!" I said laughing and tired at the same time as he tickled me.
"Not until you speak."
- All right! I promise never to throw water on you again.
- And what else?
“I'll never throw water on you, handsome handsome man.
“That struck me as false.
- No, it's not! Not even!
He released me still laughing. I was trying to catch my breath. As soon as Will's back was turned, I jumped on top of him. I had never laughed so much in my life. My stomach hurt like I'd been punched. And yes, that was good.
We stood looking at each other as we regained control of our breathing. So, the air was changing. There was no longer any laughter or the sound of water. There was just us. He came closer and caressed my face. I felt my whole skin crawl.
My mind said "it's just for today".
I was afraid of repeating it all over again. Afraid that when we got back, he wouldn't want to be with me anymore.
But I wouldn't think about it. I would be willing to have a few more moments with him.
— Being with you is so good, Heloyse. It's like I remember what it's like to be happy.
Oh my... It hurt my heart.
I hugged him so tight I didn't even care if I was hurting him.
“I'm sorry, Will.
- Whereby?
“For everything that's happened to you. I don't know what made you so sad, but if I could I would take all this pain away from you.
He pulled me out of the hug to look into my face.
“And if I could, I would also take away the pain you carry, sunshine. I wanted to be enough for you.
- But you are! You are, Will. It's more than enough. He's a wonderful man. And even when I told myself you weren't good, I knew deep down that you were... Will, I love you...
- Not! He pulled away a little.
He ran his hands through his wet hair and turned away.
"I need to drink something."
Then, Will pulled away from me.
The water felt much colder than when I entered it. I saw him going to the cottage without even looking back. I climbed out of the water and wrapped my towel around myself, fighting the urge to cry.

***

Will wasn't downstairs in the cabin. I went upstairs quickly and went to the room where my things were, but he wasn't there either. Then I saw the door to the other room, closed. I walked over and turned the knob that was locked.
Will didn't want to see me.
I took a shower, changed my clothes and went downstairs. The day looked like it was going to be like the day before. Lots of sun and rain at night. I ended up getting it right.
I woke up to the music of a commercial that was on TV. I had slept on the couch.
Through the small glass wall, I could see that it was already night and the raindrops weren't so strong.
I looked to the side and saw him. Will was standing in the darkness of the cottage. I got up and turned on the light.
His feet were bare and he was wearing only shorts. I smelled him clean and saw that he had showered and his hair was wet.
"You're there," I said, smiling.
He remained silent.
We stayed still until I moved and sat down on the couch.
Seconds later, he did the same.
The sound of rain increased and the house became cold.
Will got up and went to the fireplace. I turned off the television and went into the room where the fireplace was.
"I like the sound of rain," was what he said as he lit the fire.
- Me too.
He glanced at me quickly and went back to what he was doing.
“My mother used to say that sad people like the rain. That way they wouldn't have to cry alone,” she commented.
"She was right," I said.
I waited for him to say something else, but he didn't say a word. And so we stayed for several minutes.
“What's the use of being in such a beautiful place if our moods are so sad, Will? It's like seeing a rainbow and only seeing gray.
He did not say anything. So I got up and decided to leave him alone. His voice stopped me.
— I already wished that I had never been born... Or at least not to be alive.
I turned around and he was sitting on the rug, facing the fireplace. His face glowed in the flame light. I walked over and sat a little away from him.
“I know how it feels, believe me.
"You say that for the asshole who dumped her?"
“Not like that. It didn't hurt so much to have lost the one I thought I loved. It hurt knowing that I was never his love. But that, one day we get over it. But the fact that my brother and my parents died, it broke me. That, I didn't get over. I felt so lonely that many times I asked God why I was born if I had to be alone. Then there was Michael. He helped me get over it. And after what happened, I found myself alone again and the will to live was gone. I looked around at my house and there was no one there. No one I could call and say "I love you".
“But when your parents were alive, you were happy. It matters, doesn't it?
- Yea! I was happy. Sadly, everyone I love leaves at some point. I think I'm starting to get used to it.
"It's like that with me too." Everyone leaves. And I could say that you have me, but, I would be one of those people that goes away, at some point.
"Don't be mean to me Will."
He looked at me and realized the sadness his words caused me.
“I didn't mean to say that… It's just that, I'm the type of person that others can't stand for very long. I'm terribly moody, complicated, weird...' he said smiling.
“That's no reason to get away from you.
— I am strange, Heloyse, in many ways. One hour or another I'm going to end up doing shit. I do not want it. I always screw up. I couldn't bear to do this to you. I'm like my grandfather and my father. It's like a curse.
“I don't know what they did, I just know you're not a bad person, Will. It's just sad.
“Perhaps I am neither happy nor sad. I guess I just keep bearing. I'm just a speck of dust, existing in the world and worthless. And I'm dramatic when I'm sad,” he finished with. A bland smile.
The flame lit hair made him so handsome and oddly enough, even his sad face was beautiful. I wanted to comfort him. How, if I was another broken soul? What could I say to him? We were two people in the pit, struggling to reach the surface.
— When my father beat me, I asked myself why, despite everything, I loved him. I loved my father, Lisy, even when he beat me. Even when my mouth was bleeding and my teeth ached. And I kept repeating that I hated him, even though I knew it wasn't true. Over time, I fell out of love with him. I started to see him with different eyes. And when my mother died, I wish it had been him and not her. And when he died, it hurt so much, even though minutes before, I had tried to kill him. And all those words, they're still in my head. “Damn genetics”, “unhappy”, “miserable”, “damn Lewis”, “your fault”, “you cause pain”, “you hurt too”, “poor women... You were born to hurt them” . .. They're all here”—he pointed to his head—“in my goddamn mind. And I hate the word "dad". That's why I never called Calvin or Wallace that. And that day when you were on the farm and I told Calvin I wasn't his son, I hurt him. I always hurt someone. I think that maybe, if I'm not careful, I can be like my father. And when I remember that bastard, my hands shake and get wet with sweat - he showed the palms of his hands. — It feels like I'm going to die at any time, because the weight on my back is so heavy, I don't know if I can handle it.
He bent his legs and lowered his face.
And, in that moment, I was introduced to the sadness of William O'Connor.