GRIM REAPER¹, bellamy blake

074 ━━ self discovery

━━━✦━━━

SELF DISCOVERY is a path that everyone takes within their lifetime. It doesn't matter how old- or how young- you are when you take it; the outcome will always remain the same. You notice your flaws, you change, you improve, you rebound, and you force yourself to endure it again.

Was this Iona's road to discovering herself?

In a war-ridden world, was she finally realizing she wasn't the cold, ruthless killer she'd always been brainwashed into being, but simply a sappy cousin that would drop everything important to her in order to save someone she cares about.

Iona wasn't sure who she was anymore. She thought Wanheda was a title that suited her. She thought she was commander, Akru, and had never questioned those names before.

Now, she's officially lost.

She's hopelessly in love with a man that doesn't know about her dark, daring past, and she's still suffering with long term commitment issues; choosing between him and the life she's only ever known.

You'd assume the choice would be easy: pick your lover. Ride off into the sunset together and build a happy, strong family and never look back.

Truth is, the world's bigger than Iona and Bellamy.

It's bigger than her and her wishes.

There's a war slowly marching towards Trikru, and Iona's placed herself right in harm's way. Despite herself, as well, she wouldn't be able to fight for Skykru if it came down to it. Her sister was Trikru, her cousin is Trikru, and Iona has only ever been known as Trikru.

Sure, she bears the mark of Skykru, and as much as she wants to totally forget her prior alliances, she can't. It's not that easy. Iona is far too loyal to allow herself to completely abandon Trikru and fight for her love, her heart just won't let her.

In moments like these, pressed up against a tree in the middle of the dark, cold forest, all alone, does Iona miss her sister.

There's always a lingering sensation deep in her heart that clings to the memory of her younger, far more innocent little sister, but this time it's different. Despite the age difference, Eyvana was wise.

She was the sweeter of the Valana sisters- probably because she was young- and was full of compassion. As well as this, Eyvana was an empathetic soul. She was the one person who consistently made Iona's heart swell.

If Eyvana was still alive, Iona would bet money that she'd be able to guide her through her inner turmoil. Eyvana understood her better than anyone else in the world.

Sighing to herself, Iona knew what she had to do.

Grabbing ahold of Athena's reins, Iona tossed herself over the horse, landing in the saddle and setting off deeper into the forest.

━━━✦━━━

Iona had never visited her sister's grave.

Was that wrong?

She loved Eyvana dearly, that much was obvious. However, Iona needed to quickly move past her murder. If she remained stuck on her sister's death for years to come, she'd never achieve greatness, and she knew Eyvana would not be happy with such an outcome.

Instead, Iona burned her sister's corpse, holding back cold tears.

Then, she moved on. She mentioned Eyvana as little as possible until the pain slowly subsided and life was somewhat bearable again.

"Sorry, little sister," Iona murmurs quietly. Sitting crisscrossed at the foot of her sister's grave, she kept her eyes on the tombstone directly in front of her. "I know I should've visited. I'd understand if you were mad with me."

Iona rubbed her face in her hands, trying to hold back the tears threatening to escape as she finally faced her sister for the first time since her death.

Beside the grave, Athena slowly slunk down until she was in a laying position, as if she understood the pain Iona was going through and was also respecting Eyvana while trying to comfort Iona.

Smiling slightly at her horses' actions, Iona patted her back, shaking her head.

"I wish I knew what to say. I'm not good at this kind of stuff, you know that," Iona awkwardly laughs, rocking her body back and forth with her other arm hugging herself comfortingly.

"There's this stupid guy I met when you died," Iona says, her voice dropping to a whisper at the mention of her sister's death.

A tragic accident that, now that she thinks about it, caused her meeting with the man she loves, and wouldn't have happened if her sister was still alive. When she thinks about it that way, Iona doesn't quite know how to feel.

"I wish you were here to meet him. You'd love him, I think- after you try to kill him for making me fall in love with him," Iona rolls her eyes, grinning like a maniac, and that's when the first tear falls. "He's a really great person."

Clearing her throat, she continues, "Thing is, I don't know where we stand. He's Skykru through and through. I'm... I don't know what I am. I thought I was Trikru- I really, really did. Then there was a part of me that was so... eager to become Skykru."

"Now I just want it all to go away."

Iona sighed.

She was so mad at Lexa that she was willing to forget where she came from. She was willing to throw her cares to the wind and run away with this boy until the consequences hit her like a train.

Truth is, Iona's still lost. Meeting with her sister's grave did nothing but give her more questions and more doubts.

What she does know, however, is that she's whatever side she has to be in the moment. If Bellamy needs her, that Skykru crest embedded on her skin will come to life and she'll jump into action for him.

On the other hand, if Trikru is where she is needed, those tattoos will not be forgotten. Trikru ink lines her skin and has built her childhood- transformed her as a person.

Iona's willing to be whatever version of herself is required by the people she loves.

Maybe this trip was worth it, after all, because for the first time these last two days, Iona feels a hint of comfort creeping up within her.

She got her answers.

━━━✦━━━

finally giving my baby time to focus on herself <3