The Signs as Coffee

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Aries: Instant, black with lots of sugar and maybe cinnamon
Taurus: Hand-pressed, strong but ideal milk-coffee balance
Gemini: Brewed a while ago, cooling, loads of fancy creamer
Cancer: Brewed, light roast, hazelnut or vanilla cream
Leo: Frappuccino from Starbucks, "What? Coffee's gross!"
Virgo: Brewed, a little milk and a lot of whiskey
Libra: French-pressed light roast, skim milk or fancy cream
Scorpio: Brewed dark-roast, flavorful without adding things
Sagittarius: Instant, enough milk to feed a baby cow
Capricorn: Instant, blacker than black and caffeine rich
Aquarius: Brewed but bitter, cream to make it palatable
Pisces: Hand-pressed, some sugar and maybe vodka to taste

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