new kid [lashton au]

Nineteen

Word count: 949

*IMPORTANT. THIS IS LUKE EXPLAINING TO ASHTON PART OF HIS PAST AND CURRENT LIFE AND TRAUMA. IT GOES INTO SOME DETAIL ABOUT SELF-HARM, DEPRESSION AND ABUSE SO THIS IS YOUR WARNING...*

Also, this continues right where the last chapter ends.

-----------

[LUKE'S POV]

"Ashton?" I asked, mildly scared of what he might say after everything.

"Yeah Luke? You okay?" Ashton replied.

"I mean, I'm alive so that's good I guess. I need to tell you something though.

"I always thought there's no way a perfect person like you would want a boy who looks like a girl and cares about school. I mean, that's what it seems like. But you've always been nothing but caring to me.

"I can't fail because my parents would kill me. Not physically but they have done horrible things to me. Death is something that they wouldn't want for me because it would allow me to escape. It would set me free. They want me to suffer though I suffer more than they think I do. They spank me and break my things. That's what they think they do. I've told you only a bit of it before.

"It's not only them who's hurting me. It's me too.

"I was almost 2 weeks clean but not anymore. The trip was when I got back into it. I used to cut on my wrists when I started years back but they found it. They said I was weak. I tried to tell them I need help and they said that they helped me and that it doesn't matter. I tried getting help but they need stupid fucking parent or guardian consent. So I stopped cutting my wrists. But that doesn't mean I stopped. I cut on my chest because I can reach it to cut but I always wear a shirt. I cut on my feet the most because I always wear shoes. I like how it feels there better.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm hurting you and I don't want that. That's why I've been trying not to get close, but that clearly wasn't working. We got close, at least to me we did. I would never want to cut you, Harry, Lauren, Niall, or anyone else I care about. You were the reason I stopped. But I anyways started again. I'm sorry. I don't want to cut you and would never cut anyone else. Except my parents. And myself.

"They're not the only ones who hate me and made me hate myself. I like skirts, crop tops and "girly clothes" as people would call it. Clothes have no fucking gender okay!? I can wear what I want and not care. But I do care. It's too much to not care. Just like if someone was constantly kicking you, you can't just ignore it and keep walking. It would hurt to walk and it makes you weaker. That is visible and people care about that. Once it becomes on the inside, no one sees it. And therefore, it doesn't matter and I just want attention. I wouldn't want anyone to go through this because it's hell but if they tried to live one day how I live then they'd think again about what they do to me.

"I try to forget but I can't.

""Go kill yourself. Be a man. You don't deserve what you have. Those mini skirts are small because you can't get a bigger one." I hate those but I'm used to them, even though they still hurt.

""Your parents are right for hating you. You were a mistake. You're an only child because your parents are scared of another one of you." Once you bring my parents into it then it brings another meaning to it. It's like a food you don't like then add another food you don't like and one more thing that doesn't go well with it. Try to swallow it and keep it down. Then once you get it down get kicked in the guts and it all comes out. But it doesn't come out, it stays in your throat and is always there. That's how I always feel.

"I don't wear what I want to wear around them. I change in the washroom before and after school and run out of the building to make sure no one sees me in that clothes. I wear "normal boy clothes" around them and other people if they might see me or be there.

"I fucking hate everything. But I wouldn't want to die. That's the thing. I can't imagine how people that actually care about me, which is only a few people, would react. I don't want to see them crying over my grave. That includes you.

"I know it's a lot but I thought I'd tell you this because I love you Ashy. I'm sorry though."

We sat in silence for a while, Ash just holding me as I cried onto his shoulder, making his shirt wet. I could tell he was trying to process the information I just dumped out but I hope he doesn't hate me now because of it. I just told him I love him. I don't care if he doesn't love me back, I just hope we stay friends then.

"I love you too Lukey."

Ashton told me he loved me. I hope he means it.

The silence continued but it was comfortable. The only noises were Ash sometimes cooing me and telling me it's okay and my sniffles and soft cries.

I suddenly let go of the hug when I heard the door open and the doctor walk in.