Forever Lost

Chapter 11

I lead Miley back to the horses and I untie the little pony I assume is hers and lift her on. Her smile turns into panic. "It's okay baby, hey, Reece!" I call and he comes to me. "What's his name?"
    "This is Dasher," he says. He's a cute little black and white pony. "He is a little dude," he says talking to Miley. "What's your name?" She doesn't answer him, "Dasher? I think this little one is a bit scared. Will you look after her?" Reece pretends to listen to him. "Oh, you will?"
     Miley looks at him curiously, "What did he say?" she asks.
     "He said, of course he will but he would like to know your name."
     "Miley," she says and Reece smiles.
     "Well, Miley. Dasher said he's going to be on his best behaviour." She nods and smiles. Reece leaves us and goes to a black horse and brings him to me. "This is Cash, he's safest on the yard," I nod and he helps me on board.
     "Attach a lead rope to her will you? I'll lead her, I want it to be a nice experience for her," he nods and does as I ask. I look around us and Tyler is helping Ruby onto a horse. Tyler knows the basics but he's not amazing at it.
    I look at Flynn and he looks pissed as hell. Reece helps Flynn on his horse and teaches him the basic commands. Once everyone has mounted up Reece leads the way. I ride next to Reece, "So, pregnant and has a kid. What happened to the sweet Riley I remember?"
    "I grew up," I shrug.
    He laughs, "I can see that," he chuckles. "So what are you doing now?"
    "I attend Duke University," I say.
    "Oh, not what I expected. What are you studying?"
    "Criminology," I mutter. He throws his head back and laughs. I shove him playfully and he continues to laugh.
     "Okay, so what career choice are you going for?"
     "Hell do I know, I was forced into it. I had no clue what career I wanted, so I opted for this on a whim."
     "Why don't you drop out then if it's not what you want?" I want a good career, I just don't know what.
     "It's complicated," he looks at me confused. "I'm sure my career path will fall into place. I've had a lot going on, it's just been a blur."
     "Hey, I understand, this was only supposed to be a stop-gap for me and now 5 years have passed."
     "Do you not like your job?"
     "I love my job but taking trail rides isn't how I saw my future. I want bigger better things in life."
     "Then take it while you still can, you can do whatever you set your mind to," he smirks at me. We carry on the trail and I've managed to teach Miley how to control the horse so she's now riding on her own.
     "Race ya to the top of the hill?" he asks.
     "You'll eat dust," I say and I squeeze my horse forward and we race side by side and I laugh uncontrollably. It's so good to be back on the horse, I didn't realise how much I missed it until today. We reach the top together and we look out over the mountains. It's so beautiful up here.
    "Riley!" Flynn shouts. I turn my horse and he's cantering towards us really unbalanced and I smile. He's so cute.
    "I'll see you in a bit," Reece says to me and trots back down the hill.
    "How does this horse work?" Flynn mutters when he reaches me. I laugh and he glares at me. "You're supposed to be taking it easy not going high speed. You could fall off," I laugh again.
     "Flynn, I've been riding since I was nine years old. I just gave it up," he frowns at me.
     "You just gave it up? How good were you?"
     "I used to jump 4 ft, train horses, ride the naughty ones. I was good Flynn, I thought things were more important."
      "And were they?"
      "In hindsight? No," I wipe a stray tear with the back of my hand.
      "It was James, wasn't it?" I nod. "He made you give up something you were this good at?" It didn't out right tell me to. His attitude was suffocating when I said I was going riding. It was easier just to not go.
      "He didn't make me, he just didn't give me any time to do it. He always wanted to spend time with me. I thought he was more important but he wasn't."
      "Well, can you please stay at a safer speed, my heart literally stopped," I smile and nod. I look back at the mountains and Flynn reaches over and holds my hand as we look at the amazing view.
      After a while, we head back to the ride. "This horse won't do as it's told, Ri," he says frustrated. I laugh hysterically, "Stop laughing at me."
      "What are you trying to do exactly?" I try my best to keep a straight face. I even bite my lip to refrain.
      "Well, I want it to walk next to you but it won't go around yours," he groans and I laugh.
      "I thought you control everything?" I giggle. "Horses naturally follow, Flynn. You have to tell her what to do. Make her listen even if she doesn't want to listen."
       "So how do I do that?"
       "Pull her head away from my horse and then squeeze with your feet," he groans when she doesn't listen. "She's stubborn, just keep going. She will give up eventually."
        He laughs, "Ri, do you know how ironic this is? If you were a horse, this would be you. Stubborn, doesn't listen, moody," I laugh too.
       "Maybe you're right," he eventually gets the horse to listen and we walk side by side. "Come on, let's get back quicker." I push my horse into trot and his follows. He bounces up and down and I laugh.
       "Fuck," he falls forward and I pull up. "How do you do this?" he pushes himself back up and I can't stop laughing. "Ri, stop,"  he whines.
       "You're cute," I stop laughing.
        "Oh, you think I'm cute?" he raises his eyebrow at me. "Anything else?"
        I shrug, "Eh," I could think of lots but none that I want to say. He moves his horse closer to me and cups my face.
        "I love you," he inches his lips closer to me and I shut my eyes. "As much as I want to, I'm not going to kiss you." I open my eyes and he moves his face away from me. Man, he keeps teasing me. "Now, teach me how to do this shit."
      "Fine," I grumble and he chuckles. I spend the next half an hour or so teaching him to ride. He has mastered the trot. Still not so good with the cantering but he hasn't fallen off so. We end up catching up with the ride and I go straight to Miley. "You okay, baby?"
      "Yeah, I want to do this again! I love Dasher," I smile at her. We haven't got that much longer until the ride is over.
We get back to the yard and my back aches and I'm shattered. All my muscles ache, it's been a while since I rode a horse.
     Hmm, I don't know how to get off with my baby bump. Everyone dismounts and Reece helps Miley off. Flynn looks at me confused, "What's wrong?"
     "I don't know how to get off," I say holding my tummy. Each way I turn my bump gets in the way. He frowns and walks towards me, I swing my leg over the horses neck and he holds my hips and he helps me slide down. I put my arms around him as I feel so tired and I feel like I can't hold myself up. He holds me to his body and I rest my cheek on his chest.
       "Mommy, can we come back tomorrow?" I turn to look at her and I wobble. Flynn keeps his arm around me as I look at her.
       "I don't think Mommy can handle it again," I say and she laughs. "We will do something else tomorrow." She nods and runs to Mom. Flynn removes our hats and places them on a wall. He lifts me into his arms and I'm grateful. I rest my face in his neck and he's getting his scent back. "I need a wee," I whisper.
     "That must be annoying."
     "What?"
     "Always needing to piss, is it like being drunk all the time?" he looks down at me and I smile. Not really but it's probably the closest example.
     "I guess, my balance is off with this bump and I can get light-headed. So, I guess it is slightly." He frowns at me, "Flynn, it's normal. Hormones," he rolls his eyes as he carries me into the toilets.
     "You're hormones are the worst!" he exaggerates. He places me on my feet and he helps me walk into the cubicle.
     I turn in the cubicle and he stands there, "Flynn, get out!"
     "Of all the intimate things we've done you're worried about this," I screw my face up.
     "I'm not worried about it, it's just gross Flynn." Why would he want to watch me pee?
     "It's a natural thing, just hurry up." he pulls the door to but doesn't close it all the way. I push my leggings and panties down and sit on the toilet. I hurry just in case he decides to come in. I flush the chain and stand up shimmying the leggins up my legs. He pushes the door open and he assists me to the sink. I wash my hands and he picks me up without me drying them.
     He carries me to the car and he slides me into the middle seat. Miley is already in her chair but I belt her in as Flynn climbs in next to me. "I can hardly walk," Ruby says.
     "Try being pregnant," I groan and she laughs.
     "Sorry I didn't mean to be unsympathetic." I'd never think that of her. She's to most empathetic person I know.
     "I know, Rubs. My advice is have a hot bath. You'll ache tomorrow but it's worse the day after that."
     "Oh great, thanks," she groans. Flynn belts us in and Tyler sets off. I rest my body on Flynn and he lifts his arm up and I cuddle up to his chest. He places his hand on my belly and I shut my eyes. I'm so damn tired all the time.
     I wake as Flynn carries me out of the car, "No," I grumble. I'm too comfy to wake. I feel him walking and I hear Rex bark.
   "Stop it," Flynn snaps. "This dog is a pain in my ass," he grumbles. I'm lowered onto the couch and I cling to Flynn and he prizes my hands off him.
   "Why does she do that?" Mom asks.
   "I know she loves me," he sighs. "She wants me she just won't admit it, when her mind shuts off she lets me in. Her heart wants me but her brain is pushing me out." He covers me with a blanket and lays next to me. I'd freak out that they are talking about me but I'm too tired. I cuddle up to him and he strokes my back.
     When I wake I open my eyes. I'm alone in the room and I'm really hot. I lift the Hoodie over my head and I waft the shirt. Nope, not working I pull my top over my head leaving me in a bra. Mom walks in the living room and frowns. She turns around awkwardly and I see the Doctor. Oh hell! "Nice to see you Riley, accept you look a lot different from new year."
     Flynn walks back into the room and groans, "What is it with you and only being in a bra with him here?" he comes to me and helps me back into my top.
    "I was hot," I moan. Alec sits next to me and Flynn sits on the arm of the couch.
    "How are you feeling, Riley?"
    "Fine, why are you here?"
    "Abigail asked me to check on you."
    "Why?"
    "Just check everything is in order," he assures me. "I'd like to check your heart first, the hospital said your heart was abnormal?" I nod and he gets the stethoscope out and starts listening. After his examination he puts his stethoscope away. "It's better than it was when I saw you about your ribs."
    "Where's Miley?" I ask.
    "She went with your brother and Ruby to get ice cream," Flynn says.
    "Ice cream?" I say hopeful.
    "I'll call him to bring you some back." My stomach rumbles at the thought.
    "Mint," I say. "We still have those pickles right Mom?"
    "Yes, Honey." Flynn leaves the room, Alec laughs at my cravings. I wait as Alec finishes his examination. He made me do a urine test and a blood test. The hospital already did this so god knows why he wants to.
    "Rex!" I call and he comes running into the room. He jumps on the couch between Alec and me. He lays on my lap and I stroke his head.
    "Honey, get the dog down," Mom says and I shake my head looking at my dog.
    "Right, I'll call you if I find anything abnormal but you look fine Riley. You need to eat more though, I'm worried about your weight." Yes Heidi is always hounding me about my weight. It's nothing new.
     "I'm fine, okay? I couldn't keep anything down for a while. I'm good now and I can't stop eating."
     "Are you sleeping enough? You'll get exhausted quicker with pregnancy, you need to rest." Sleep has always been hard. The amount of nights Jax held me when a nightmare took hold or him coming over in the middle of the night.
     "Look, I'm good okay? I've grown used to getting two hours sleep. The baby wakes me up in the morning anyway."
     "Two hours? No, that won't work."
     "It's okay, Alec, Flynn will get her to rest and she sleeps soundly with him," Mom says and I roll my eyes. Alec nods and stands up. Mom escorts him out of the living room and I stand up. I shrug on my Hoodie and I head to the front door.
     "Where the fuck are you going?" Flynn appears from no where and I roll my eyes.
     "Rex needs his second walk," I slide on some shoes and open the front door. He sighs and slides on his shoes and he walks out the door after me. "Flynn, you don't need to come with me."
     "One, I want to come with you and two, I don't want you to be alone," he takes my hand and we start our walk.
      "Flynn, I've been alone until now. I told you, nothing has changed," he sighs but keeps walking.
      "You have too much to manage on your own. I struggled to deal with the dog and Miley for a couple of days and you do it solo whilst pregnant. Let me take some of the load." It would be nice to do that but it's my responsibility. I don't just get a day off.
      "You were okay for me to do it solo before you knew I was pregnant."
      "Why do you have to make an argument out of everything? I want to help you, Ri," he stops me and pulls me to his body. "Please, let me help you."
      "I don't need help, I don't want your help," he cups my face and my heart flutters. Stupid treacherous heart. "Flynn," I whine.
       "What?" he smirks. I want to smack that smirk right off his face. He knows exactly what he's doing.
       "Stop doing this to me," I whisper.
       "Do what?" He acts all innocent but I know that he knows what he does to me and it pisses me off.
       "Making me weak."
       "That's not what I'm doing, I'm making you feel. You can't deny what we have when I'm this close." He cups my neck and strokes my jaw with his thumbs.
        He kisses my forehead, "You are literally going to make me combust if you keep teasing me," I grumble.
        He chuckles, "You are the one holding back baby, just say yes," he releases me and he starts walking again.
       "I can't."
       "You can, Ri, you just won't," I follow after him. "I'm sorry okay, I'm so fucking sorry. You have no idea of the guilt I have. I will forever do what it takes in my power to make it up to you."
       "I wish you would just stop trying," I sigh.
       He stops again and turns to face me, "Do you really wish that? I feel myself getting closer to your soul. If I stop trying now, I'll have no hope. If I give up it will destroy you."
       "You already destroyed me," I admit.
       "I know but if you let me in I can fix you, I know I can." I move around him to keep walking. I'm fed up of having this conversation. We walk in silence back to the house and I take a seat on the couch.
      "Mommy!" Miley says excitedly and jumps onto my lap. "We bought you ice cream, do you want some?" I nod and she giggles as she runs out of the room. She comes back in with a tub and a spoon.
      Tyler comes into the room cringing with my pickles. He passes them to me and everyone joins us in the living room. I lick my lips and I open the pickles and grab one and I scoop the ice cream with it again.
I bring it to my mouth and I hear some groans. I bite the pickle and chew and I mutter my appreciation. "Gross," Flynn gags. I continue to eat my cravings until my eyes start to droop again.
    Flynn prizes them off me and I moan, "No," I whimper. Not that I'm eating them anyway.
    He chuckles softly, "You're tired," he says softly. "I'll be back," I grumble again, I don't know which item going is more depressing. I feel him lay next to me moments later. "Sleep baby."
     "No, Miley," I whimper.
     "She's fine, we are looking after her," he assures me.
     "Rex," I whisper.
     "He's here with you on the floor, he's fine." Everyone is good and I can have a little cat nap. I curl up to him and I snooze.
     I wake to Mom talking, "It's dinner time, guys." I grumble and Flynn kisses my head. He sits me up and I moan. It feels like minutes that he let me sleep. It's not enough.
     "You're adorable when you're sleepy," he says and picks me up. He carries me into the dining room and I open my eyes. Miley climbs on my lap again. I look at the food on my plate and it's a chicken roast dinner.
    I smell it and my stomach churns. Hell! I quickly bury my nose in Flynn's neck and he places his hand on my tummy. "Honey, what is making you sick?" Mom asks.
    "The chicken," I mumble. My stomach stops swirling but I'm not brave enough to smell anything other than Flynn. Mom removes my plate and goes to the kitchen.
     "Great, now I can't enjoy chicken," Tyler mutters. "It's one of my favourites and we won't have it again until you evict that little devil." He slides his plate further away from me.
     I roll my eyes, "He's not a devil, Ty, he's your nephew." He's my little miracle baby.
     "You called me Ty. . . You haven't for months." I did the day after Flynn's birthday but again, I was tired. It's like Flynn calms everything, my mind, my soul and my body. All I want to do is sleep when he's around. Maybe that's because I just don't sleep well without him. I have a lot of catching up to do.
    "I'm tired," I defend myself, "I didn't think," I brave taking my face away from from Flynn. Mom places my plate in front of me.
    "I'll have her chicken," Tyler pipes up.
    "Her plate is still in the kitchen," Mom announces.
    "You didn't just take it off her plate?" he questions.
    "She would have smelt it, you don't realise how strong her smell is right now." Tyler takes his plate and walks to the kitchen.
    "Thanks, Mommy." She smiles at me and I look at the plate but Flynn keeps his hand on my tummy. Where would I be without him? I shake my head, I don't need him.
Tyler returns and starts eating.
     We finish dinner as a family and we played Charades again. Flynn ran me a bath after I put Miley to bed. He gives me no choice again about sleeping in his bed.
Not that I mind too much. He's my dream catcher. He holds me and I fall asleep.
     When I wake Flynn is still asleep. I get up and go to the loo and freshen up. I look into the mirror and see myself. How can I give Flynn me when part of me still belongs to James? I stop mid brush of my teeth. Will that help me let go? I'm fighting against Flynn because James broke me beyond repair. Will I be happier if I let James go completely?
    I finish brushing my teeth. I go into my old bedroom and find some clothes to put on. They fit okay as I was bigger back then. I wear a Hoodie to hide my bump. "Mommy?" Miley says sleepily.
    "Shh, go back to bed Honey. It's still early, I have to pop out but Nana and Flynn will look after you until I'm back."
    "You keep leaving me," she sighs.
    "I won't need to leave you after this, I promise." She nods and shuts her eyes. I kiss her forehead and leave her room. It looks like she's adopted my old room. I walk downstairs and no one is up yet. I let Rex out in the garden and grab some cash from the safe before I leave.
    I leave the house and head to my destination. I think I have to do this, I need to let go. I walk through town. I catch a bus and I sit at the back and I cross my legs. I start wafting my Hoodie again. I wear it to hide my bump but I keep getting hot flushes and I'm nervous.
    I get off at my stop and I walk to the prison. I take a deep breath and I walk inside. I walk to the desk, the man looks up at me. "I'm here to see James Webber."
    "Name?" he says without emotion. He looks at the computer.
    "Umm, Riley Blake." He types on the keyboard.
    He looks up at me, "Your father put a denied visitation access on our system. I can't let you in," I sigh. Why am I not surprised? My phone vibrates but I ignore it.
     "Come on, it's a one time thing. Please," I say and I carefully slide the envelope of cash over. "I won't tell anyone." He picks up the envelope and he frowns at me. He tries counting the notes quickly and he stashes it in his pocket.
      "Fine, wait here," he says and leaves the desk. I stand back and scan the room. It's nine am, I always used to love my lay-ins with Flynn but the baby wakes me up pushing on my bladder. I hold my tummy as he moves around as usual.
     A few more minutes and the man comes back to me. He escorts me into a side room. I sit at the table and wait for him to come in. My phone continues to vibrate and it's driving me insane. I turn it off without looking at the screen.
   The door opens and he walks in. He's looking more like his old self, he's shaved and cut his hair. The jumpsuit doesn't do anything for him but he can't control that. He frowns at me and he sits in front of me. "What are you doing here, Riley?"
    "I needed to see you," I shrug. Did I? Will it change anything? It felt like the right thing at the time. What am I expecting to hear from him?
    "Why?"
    "I still love you," I admit. It pains me to say it but I do. I love Flynn more but I want to stop loving the man that abused me. Scarred me for life.
    "No, Riley, you never loved me. You thought you did because I made you believe you did. You thought you needed me but you don't. You are so independent and that's what bothered me." Independent? Was I?
When he knew me I wasn't. I relied on family so much. I had no responsibility. I am now, of course but then? I was very much blanketed by my family.
    "How do you know what I feel?" I snap. Only Flynn knows what I really feel and I hate it.
    "What did you do to your hair?" he says assessing me up and down. "You've lost more weight," he screws his face up. Not sure why he's so bothered about my weight. He manipulated me into dieting.
     "This is me now, the Riley you created. The Riley, Flynn can not reach. This is the dark Riley, I had to become more myself again."
      "I fucked you up for sure but only you can decide who you want to be. You can be who ever you want to be. Why are you being this Riley?" he doesn't look impressed with this Riley.
If it was so easy to be old Riley, I'd be her. Nothing is easy anymore.
      "You all hurt me, I need to be on my own. I need to protect myself from the pain. I am never enough for anyone."
       "What did Flynn do? I don't like this Riley. Riley, you are worth so much, I didn't treat you how you deserve, I know that now. I'm not cured or anything but it wasn't right. I broke you into submission."
       "He cheated on me and left me. I told him if he left me there was no going back. He walked out anyway and now he wants me back but I can't do that. He killed his Riley."
        "What a fucker. Riley, us guys make monstrous mistakes sometimes. We aren't perfect but we always see the light at the end of the tunnel. You are his light, you blinded him. You open his eyes."
It's normally me telling people about guys making mistakes, they're clueless sometimes. Why aren't I following my own advice that I'd give someone else?
      "Doesn't make it right, it still hurts." He holds my hand on the table and I let him.
      "I know, it will always hurt. You have to decide Riley what you want. Can you live without him forever? If he died tomorrow how would you feel?" I cringe at the thought of Flynn dying.
It pains me to think of a world without him. I always said I wished I could redo and never have met him. He's in my heart and soul, if he died I may as well join him.
      "Why are you pushing me towards him?" I growl.
      "Because Riley bear, I am receiving therapy. I am now seeing the errors of my life. I need to confess my sins. I don't expect forgiveness, I really did lose myself. I'm not sure where it happened exactly but nobody should ever treat someone how I treated you. I am so sorry Riley, I needed help. They believe I have something called Schizoaffective disorder.
    "I needed to receive urgent care. I'm on some pills and have regular counselling sessions. I feel better Riley. I love you, I do and I want what is best for you. You don't love me, you may have in the beginning but I ruined it. There is no going back to us, babe. You need to let go of me."
Does he really feel that way? Or is it the same as what I did for Flynn? Letting him go so he could be happy. Is that what James is doing for me? If it is then it's the most selfless thing he's done.
     "How am I supposed to do that?" he squeezes my hand. "Everything is so fucking hard these days. I want to shut it all off, all emotions. I don't want to feel anymore."
      "No you don't, if you did you would have done it already. Shut your eyes," he asks and I do as he says. "Answer me the first thing that pops into your head. Don't think too hard about it, okay?" I nod, "What makes your heart beat?"
      "Flynn," I say without thinking. Shit!
      "Okay, what makes you breathe?"
      "Flynn." Fuck!
      "Who do you love most in this world?"
"My kids and Flynn," I admit.
      "Kids plural?" he asks and I open my eyes. "I don't understand." I let go of his hand and I stand up and cup my belly over my hoodie so he can see my bump. "You're pregnant?" his mouth drops open. "Flynn's I assume?" I nod. "Wow, Riley bear."
       I sit back down, "Riley, you know what you want. You don't need me to tell you. If he hadn't of hurt you, you would still be with him. He is your soul mate, I watched you two together when I was watching you. I mean, jeez you fight like cats and dogs but what you have is strong. You can survive this. Don't lose yourself because of some idiotic men."
     "It's not that easy," I admit.
     "No, but if anyone can do it, it's you. You had to be strong to put up with my crap. You're strong Riley, be who you want to be. Don't make pain change you, this mask you are putting up, it's not you." He grabs my hands again with both hands. "Now go back to him. Beg him to come back, don't be alone anymore."
    I nod and stand up, I move around the table and he cups my face with his cuffed wrists. He touches my lips with his softly. He's never been this gentle, ever. "No touching!" the guard says and James takes a moment before he removes his lips from mine.
     "Goodbye Riley Bear," he whispers and I leave him stood in the room. I hurry out of the prison and I take a deep breath. A huge weight has been lifted. Once I've gathered my thoughts I make my way back to the bus stop. When did he get so insightful? He made it so much easier to let go of him.
At least he's still not expecting me to wait for him after he made me promise the last time we saw each other. I'd constantly worry about when he's released for the rest of my life otherwise.