Forever Lost

Chapter 3

Today is Flynn's birthday, 23rd February. I can't say it's a happy day, not for me at least. I'd always imagined we would spend it together but obviously, that isn't how it played out. I roll over and I'm met with Ricardo's chest. I flinch slightly, nothing is the same and never will be.
I climb out of bed and get in the shower. I don't linger in the shower and I get out and brush my teeth. I go to the loo; I always go so frequently now. I enter my bedroom and Ricardo is still asleep. "Ric, you need to get up. Miley will wake soon." I gather up his clothes and toss them at him.
"Mmm, come back to bed, darlin'," he says sleepily.
"You know the rules, Ricardo. You get to come over as long as she doesn't see you," he groans and sits up. I put on my dress that Mom got me for my birthday. It's a bit snug, I seem to have had a weight gain. Especially around my stomach. I guess I'm thankful it still fits.
I sit on the bed and cross my legs on the edge of the bed. I pick up my phone and compose a text.
ME- Happy Birthday.
We still speak but nothing like we used to. We just aren't that close anymore which has made me close off to the rest of the world. "Fuck, how can I leave when you wear that?"
I smile, "Tonight, Ric. Don't talk dirty now."
"You like to tease me, I really don't know how I'm going to walk out that front door." I smile and my phone vibrates.
FLYNN- Thank you. X
I smile when there is an X on the end. It shouldn't but it does. There is a knock on the front door and I glare at Ricardo. He grins and starts dressing. I get up and walk to the front door and Mom and Dad stand in the hallway. Fuck! I frown at them, they are early. "Mom? Dad?"
"Hey, Honey. We've missed you; we couldn't wait to come." I roll my eyes. They came here as they know I wouldn't go to theres.
"Can you not go next door? I'll drop her off later when she's awake." Mom and Dad frown.
"Honey, we want to see you. You never visit anymore and you don't let us visit. I love my granddaughter but when you send her instead of yourself it hurts." I roll my eyes and let them in. Mom tries to hug me but I move out the way. "Honey," she cries.
"Don't," I growl. "You know I'm not that person anymore."
"You used to be, Lee. I worry about you," I roll my eyes.
"Don't miss that person because I'll never be that person again. He broke me when he left. I broke when he left me. Nothing will ever be the same!"
"I hate what he did to you, Lee Lee."
"He did nothing! Don't you see? This isn't on him! I just can't be that Riley without him. This is the me without him. Nothing can make me that Riley again!"
She sighs and walks further into my apartment. My bedroom door opens and I roll my eyes. Mom and Dad fix on Riccardo and I groan. Riccardo walks towards me and kisses me and his lips linger on mine. "See you later, Darlin'."
"Wait, you and him?" Mom asks.
"Mom it's not a big deal," I groan.
Ricardo grins and walks to my Mom and kisses her cheeks. "Your Mom is hot, Riley." He walks to my Dad and hugs him and Dad's eyes widen. Ricardo slaps Dad's back and steps back. "Not as hot as you though, Darlin'."
"Is this your boyfriend?" Mom asks.
"No, Mom. I told you, I don't do the whole relationship thing." I glare at her.
"One day Darlin', I'll make you mine. We have a lifetime," he smiles at me. He walks to the kitchen and grabs my pillbox and tosses it at me. I catch it and roll my eyes, "As long as you keep taking these."
"Oh, he's lovely, Lee." Mom gushes.
"Yeah, Yeah. Can you go now? Miley will wake soon," I say to Riccardo and he walks towards me again and picks me up. He spins me around and dips me to the floor and kisses me. He knows how to take my breath away that's for sure. I blush and he places me on my feet and leaves my apartment.
"Oh Honey, he's lovely. Does he look after you?" I frown.
"It's not like that Mother. I guess I look after him," I shrug and she frowns instead.
"Explain," she demands.
"Why should I? He's not Flynn!" I growl trying to keep my voice down. "I look after myself. He's nice and all but he's replaceable. It took me a long time to accept him in my life. Miley doesn't even know about him."
"Do Tyler and Flynn know? What do they think?"
"Course they do, he's Ruby's brother. We all hang out together."
"And Flynn has just accepted him as your friend?"
"He was the one who left me, he got a girlfriend first. He's moved on Mother."
"I'm not sure if I'm going to like this," she frowns. "To see you and Flynn interact today and not be close."
"Get used to it Mother," Miley's door opens and she comes running to us and she jumps in Mom's arms.
"Nana! I've missed you."
"You've gotten big, Honey. We've missed you too," Mom says and spins Miley around. "Why don't you get dressed and we can go find your brother to wish him a happy birthday. I'll make breakfast at Tyler's."
"Mommy? Are you going?" she asks as Mom puts her down.
"Sure Honey. Do you want Nana to help you get ready? I need to let Rex out." Miley nods and pulls Mom into her bedroom. I slide on some boots by the door and shrug on a coat.
"Can I join you, Princess?" Dad asks.
"Only if you don't call me that again," I demand and he sighs. He nods and I hold the door open for him and he takes his cue to leave the apartment. Rex follows us, he's such a good dog. I just hate him stuck in this apartment. I press the call button and it pings open.
    We walk in and turn to face the doors. "Do you think there will ever be a chance with you and Flynn? Even if it's years from now?"
"No," I snap. "Flynn and I are over. Finito, Father. He doesn't want me, I don't want him."
"I don't think that's true, Honey. You'll always love him," Dad looks down at me and the doors ping open. We walk out of the elevator and out into the cold air.
"Love makes you weak Father. I was weak letting him in. Miley is the only thing that makes sense. I have to be here for her, if not I'd be gone."
"Love doesn't make you weak Honey. It makes you stronger, you've put up your walls to protect yourself again because he hurt you when he promised he wouldn't. You aren't truly how you were before Flynn but you are close. I wish you would open up more."
I walk to the green opposite the apartment buildings and let Rex run free. "This is me, Father. I don't need you lot. Miley is the only thing that matters to me. Miley needs all her family which is why I like her to have regular visits with you. You need to accept this me. You should be happy I'm here and not drunk."
"Happy? I'd be happy if you were living your life and not wasting it. Sure, Miley is keeping you stable but this isn't you living your life to your best. Name something other than Miley that you love, that you treasure?"
"Rex," I shrug.
"Something else? A hobby? A career? Your life goals?"
"Stop doing this, Father. I need nothing but Miley and Rex. They are my people." And Jax.
"You need someone to look after you! Tell me you didn't enjoy Flynn looking after you. I was in awe seeing you two together." Whether I did or didn't, it doesn't matter now.
"Enough, Hayden! I hated that he could do that, I hated that I let him in! I don't want to hear his name anymore." I loved that he did that.
He recoils like I've wounded him, "Would he even reach you now?" he says in disgust. I know what he means without saying the words. No one could reach me now not even Flynn. I am who Miley needs me to be so that's all that counts. I can't be anything else for anyone.
We head back to the apartment and Miley is in a pretty dress and ready to go. "Honey, you've put weight on," Mom says as she looks at my stomach. I glare at her. "It's a good thing, Lee not a bad thing." She's calling me fat, how is that a good thing? "Are we ready?"
Miley holds her hands out to me and I lift her up. Rex follows us out the hallway and Mom knocks the door. I didn't even get time to put makeup on. Tyler opens the door and moves out the way for us to come in. "Hey," Tyler says greeting us all. He ruffles Miley's hair and she giggles. "Kid."
"Uncle Tyler!" She squeals and holds her hands out to him and he takes her into his arms. I walk past them and scan the room. Ruby and Scarlett are chatting on the sofa. They look up at me and smile.
I walk towards them and I scoot my ass between them and they hug me from either side. "Riley," they say in unison. I notice Flynn's door open and he comes out of his room.
"Your dress is to die for," Scarlett gushes.
"Special occasion opts for special dresses." I look at Flynn and he frowns.
"My brother is going to be eating you alive," Ruby laughs.
"Maybe I'll be eating him. He doesn't have any control," I smile and they both laugh.
"Is he coming tonight?" Ruby asks.
"I don't know, is he?" I cock my head at Flynn and he nods. "There you go then."
"How do you not know if he's going?" Ruby asks.
"Well, I didn't invite him. It's bad enough I have to spend time with family." Flynn glares at me and sits down next to Scarlett and takes her hand and my stomach starts churning. I've accepted this so why does it still make me nauseous?
"My brother is head over heels for you, I love you but I hate that you don't reciprocate."
"Rubs, is it not enough that he's in my life? I can't be who he needs me to be. I think we are doing just fine but I'm. . . I don't know the right word. I'm dead. I can't love, he knows everything and I care about him but it's never going to be more."
"It's enough for him. So, I guess it's enough for me. I'd like to say I'll kill you if you hurt him but I love you too much for that."
"We love you too much for that," Scarlett rephrases. Why did Flynn have to pick someone so good? I'd be so much better off if I hated her. Flynn brings her in for a kiss and my stomach curdles again and I get up. I walk to the bathroom and lock the door.
I puke into the toilet. I hate puking but it happens so frequently now, mostly at Flynn's expense. That's another reason why I try to avoid him. "Honey? Are you okay?" Mom calls through the door.
"Go away, Abigail!" I curse and hurl again. I hear her gasp and I continue puking. There isn't much in my stomach anyway so I'm not sure why I'm able to puke.
Once I'm done, I use their mouthwash to rinse my mouth. I look in the mirror and my eyes are red and watery. I leave the bathroom and Tyler walks towards me. He grabs my arm and pulls me into the corner. "You just made Mom cry! I hate what you've become," he growls.
"You and me both. What do you want from me, Tyler?"
"For you to be nice to Mom. For you to be how you used to be. You were once a nice person. Before James and with Flynn you were nice."
I flinch at the mention of both of their names. "I came! You've been pestering me for weeks to be here! Calling sibling code again! She's not my mother, he's not my father! You aren't my brother. You ain't shit to me but I'm here."
He steps back and screws his face up, "What happened to you? Maybe you shouldn't have come."
"I died, that's what happened. This is what you wanted."
"Don't ever say that. I didn't want this," he points to me and waves his hand up and down my body. "I never wanted this. I was protecting you."
"I don't need protecting! I didn't then and I don't now. Besides, you made me see that that wasn't me. It's better for everyone this way."
"Don't you care you are hurting them?"
"Nope," I shrug. "This is me." I point at my black hair. My black heart. I took off my bracelet because I'm not who I was. I removed the rings to sever any ties to him. I haven't given them back but I removed them. When I'm feeling my lowest I clutch them in my hand and bring them to my heart.
"No, it's not but I'm at a loss of how to get you back," he leaves me in the corner and I glare at him. I look around the room and Mom is cooking in the kitchen Miley is helping her cook and Dad is on the sofa with the rest of them.
I don't know what they want from me? I can't function like I used to. I died when he left me. I had to adapt to survive. I let him in to the core of my being because I thought he would never hurt me. I can never go back home because it hurts too much. We always connected there. I send Miley there with Flynn but I can never go.
She's confident in herself now that she doesn't need me as much. She's grown up enough to know what's going on. I make sure she has everything she needs and wants. She was upset at first but she accepted it once she knew I wasn't leaving her.
Once Mom serves breakfast we squeeze around the table. Miley sits on my lap and Tyler and Flynn sit next to me like the good old times. I roll my eyes. I grab bits for Miley and she tucks in. "Honey, aren't you eating anything?"
"No, I'm good. I'm on this new diet." I mutter.
"You need to eat, Lee, especially after being sick."
"I don't need to do anything," I growl and send daggers her way.
"Flynn, some help?" Mom asks.
"She doesn't listen to me anymore, Abigail." Flynn sighs.
Mom gasps, "Really? Can you not try?" she asks hopeful.
"Riley, you are breaking her heart. Please eat something," he whispers in my ear.
"Who cares? I don't have a heart."
"Sure, you do, it's been crushed but you do. Please eat," I roll my eyes. He sighs, "See, I tried." Mom loses a tear from her eye and wipes it. "Hope you're happy." He growls into my ear.
"What is that? Sounds alien to me?" I snap and he groans. "Happy fucking birthday to you."
"Christ, Riley," he growls. I watch as they sit and eat breakfast. We watch a film and then Mom informs us we are going out for lunch. I try to excuse myself but I'm not excused. I take Rex for a walk first. Miley wanted to stay with Mom which I'm fine about. She loves Rex but she's not one for walking him. My eyes water once I'm outside. I was being suffocated in there. I walk to the green and my heart breaks. Sobs come out in full flow, I try not to cry in front of anyone especially Miley. I hunch over a wall and my body tries to vomit but there is nothing in my stomach. Just dry heaves.
"Darlin'?" Ricardo calls. I wipe my wet tears and stand up wiping my mouth. He runs towards me and he pulls me to his body. Hell! "Hey, what's wrong Darlin'?"
"Nothing," I can't stop crying.
"Talk to me."
"I can't be what they want me to be! He broke me more than he ever fixed me."
"I know, Darlin'. I know. I hate him for doing this to you but like you say, you were like this before you met. It wasn't really him, he did break you but you were broken before."
"I know. I was a better person with him. That's who they want and I can't be that Riley."
"They will learn to accept it one day, Darlin' as I did. They just need more time," I nod and my tears start to dry up. "Ruby messaged me to come over. Something about lunch? Are you okay with that?"
"Well, you're here now."
"Doesn't mean I can't leave again." I shrug and slide my hand in his. We walk back to the apartment and my eyes still feel sore from crying. I make a detour to brush my teeth and leave Rex in my apartment.
I open Tyler's door without knocking. Not like they weren't expecting me. "Riley!" Scarlett calls. I look at her and she's sat on Flynn's lap. She kisses him and gets up. Flynn looks at me and frowns. "You've been crying, we need to fix that before we go out." She comes towards me and pulls me with her and Ruby joins us.
I look back at Ricardo and he sits next to Flynn. Scarlett pulls me into Flynn's room and I pause in the doorway. I haven't been in here in a long time. Scarlett knows about what Flynn and I were but she's cool with it. She's supported me through it all. Once we were good friends she was going to call it off for girl code but I told her she was stupid. We were never going to work, Flynn was happy, I couldn't jeopardise that.
I wanted him to be happy, "It's okay, Riley." She reassures me and I enter the room and perch on his bed. It's as I remember but Scarlett's things are scattered around his room. She doesn't live here but she's here most of the time. She grabs her makeup bag and starts applying makeup to my face. Ruby sits behind me and starts brushing my hair. "This is hard for you." Scarlett comments.
"Yes," I whisper.
"How bad?"
"Really bad but I've got this." She nods and continues applying makeup.
"I'm so glad we are all together for his birthday," she says. She really does care for Flynn and I love that. "Thank you for your help by the way. He loved his present."
I smile, "I'm glad." I told her Flynn likes motorbikes and she got him a motorbike model kit. He likes fixing things and he likes motorbikes. I know him so well that I find that he's the easiest to buy for although I never got him anything. It's too personal for me to get him a gift. I'm sure he understands.
Once Scarlett has finished she claps her hands. Ruby has pinned my hair off my face but left it down. "So beautiful," Ruby says and I laugh. Scarlett launches at me and we fall back on the bed and we laugh as we all hug each other.
The door opens but we barely notice. "Erm, babe. Foursome with three beautiful girls is a turn on but I think it would be a tad awkward. Why are you all in my bed?" My heart does something treacherous as it hopes he's talking to me but the rational part of me shuts it down.
"Riley was upset so we had a makeover."
"Are you okay?" he asks me and I sit up.
"Fine," I mutter. I stand up, "Besides you got it wrong." He frowns at me, "There are only two beautiful girls in your bed." He glares at me and I push him out the way so I can leave.
"The most beautiful girl in the world just walked into the room," Ricardo smiles and I blush. He holds his hands out to me on the sofa and I walk over to him. I sit astride him and I kiss him.
Miley climbs between us pushing us away.
"Hey baby, this is Ricardo. He's my friend." I say to her and she frowns.
"Like the hooded man?" she asks and I cringe.
"No baby, nothing like that. A friend like Flynn," I reassure her.
"But you don't like Flynn anymore," she says as they all walk back in from Flynn's bedroom.
"No, but doesn't mean I can't have friends like Flynn. I used to like him," I reassure her.
"Because he hurt you," I've never told her that I don't like Flynn or that he hurt me. She's just too smart.
"Something like that baby."
"Ricardo makes Mommy happy?" she asks hopeful.
"As much as I can be happy," I try to reassure her but I'm not even convincing myself.
"Okay, I will like him too." She smiles at me as she hugs Ricardo and he hugs her back.
"Ricardo is Ruby's brother," I forgot to mention that bit. She pulls away from him and beams at him.
"Ruby is one of my best friends so I'm sure we will be too," she says to him. Ruby sits next to us and smiles at Miley.
"That's good because I really like your Mom," Riccardo says and grips my ass. I swat his hands away playfully and he grins at me.
"Right are we ready to go guys?" Mom says.
"Where are we going?" I ask.
"Your hotel, The Lee Hotel," she shrugs. I still hate they named a hotel after me. My Dad knows where the money is.
"Fine, I'll meet you there," I grumble, it's really far from here.
"You aren't serious," Dad growls.
"Well, how else do I get there? I don't drive," I growl.
"You have a car," he counters.
"Not anymore, I gave it to Flynn."
"You did what? That was your present to help you get around."
"Flynn needed it more," I shrug. What do I need it for? I can't drive anyway.
"You can come with us," Mom says.
"As long as you take Miley, we are good."
"Of course, but what about you?"
"I don't need to rely on you for a lift," I growl.
"Mommy, please come with us. Ricardo can come too." I sigh and nod.
Miley gets up and Ricardo looks at me, "My little badass." He stands up with me in his arms and I giggle. "Mmm, your ass." He whispers to me and I laugh.
He walks towards the door and places me on my feet. His hand rests on my backside and I bring Miley into my arms and we all walk to the elevator. I walk to the back of the elevator and Riccardo pulls me back to him as it's a tight squeeze. Flynn is so close it hurts.
I hold my breath as I smell his scent around me. His arm brushes against me and I freeze. It was accidental, the elevator is just too cramped. My heart thumps loudly out of my chest. Something is drawing me to him. Stupid treacherous heart, I wish I could get a new one that's not diseased and one that doesn't love Flynn. I feel hot, so hot.
Once the elevator stops at the ground floor, I push past everyone to get away from Flynn. I can't breathe, I suck in a lung full of air once we are outside and I feel so sick again. "Honey, you look green," Mom says.
I glare at her and she sighs. "Honey, do you want to go with us or with Flynn?" I ask Miley.
"With you," she says.
"Okay, go ask Flynn for your car seat then, baby." She nods and I let her down and she runs after Flynn. I head to a brick wall and lean on it with my hands.
"Are you normally so sick honey? Are you looking after yourself?" Mom asks and I groan.
"Abigail, enough," I growl and she walks towards the car. I heave trying not to be sick.
Ricardo places his hands on my shoulders and makes me stand up straight. "Come on Darlin', maybe we should even rent out a room." I laugh and we walk to the car. Dad helps Miley with her car seat and I slide into the middle and do her belt up. Ricardo gets in next to me and puts his seatbelt on. He places his hand on my leg.
Dad looks at me in the rear-view mirror. "Belt, Lee," I roll my eyes. I do as he says and he drives towards the Hotel. "So what do you do Ricardo?"
"I'm in between jobs right now. I used to work for my Dad but he's a piece of work."
"What jobs are you looking for?"
"Well, nothing right now. I worked at my Dad's café but yeah."
"How do you expect to look after my daughter if you haven't got a job?"
"Hayden, don't. I told you, I do not need looking after."
"Lee, I wish you'd call us Mom and Dad," he growls.
"We don't always get our wishes." I retaliate.
"Don't I know it," he grumbles. I place my hand over Ricardo's and he entwines our fingers. I look at him and I go to kiss his cheek but he quickly moves so our lips collide instead.
"Too slow, Darlin'." I laugh and he kisses me again. Once we get to the hotel we climb out the car. Ricardo wraps his arm around my shoulder and Miley takes my hand. "I'm glad I can show you off in public now."
"I'm not yours, Ric, remember that."
"Close enough, Darlin'." I roll my eyes and we walk to the front doors. The door clerk opens the door and greets us.