Forever Lost

Chapter 4

Dad booked a private room for us to eat and stay for the rest of the evening. I need to be home around 7 pm for Rex. The room is huge and extravagant. It's a large round table in the middle of the room with its own bar and stage. Music is playing in the background. I sit Miley in her own chair and sit next to her.
Ricardo sits next to me and Flynn and Scarlett sit opposite us and I roll my eyes that they had to sit there in my view. "Can you get me a drink Darlin'?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"Beer please," I nod.
"What do you want to drink baby?"
"Umm, juice please Mommy." I smile and stroke her hair and get up.
"Make sure you put it on our tab, Lee Lee," Mom says and I roll my eyes. I walk up to the bar and I perch on the stool. The barman comes over to me and smiles.
"What can I get you?"
"A juice, a beer and a Pepsi please," I ask.
"Sure," he says and starts making the drinks. I feel Flynn next to me and I hold my breath again. He places the drinks on the bar. "Is this going on the tab?"
"No, I'm paying separately." He nods and passes me the card machine.
"Riley, will you ever do as you're told?" Flynn says and I glare at him. "I don't like what you've become."
"Good job too. Wouldn't want any missed placed feelings lying around." I swipe my card and place it back in my pocket.
"Riley, you are so stubborn. Let me help you carry your drinks."
"No need, I've got them," I grab the three glasses and slide off my chair and leave him at the bar. I pass them their drinks and I cross my legs. They all talk around the table with each other and Flynn returns with a tray of drinks.
He kisses Scarlett and she smiles at the gesture and my heartaches. Stupid heart. I miss his little gestures they were my favourite things. I have to look away as it hurts too much. The barman comes over to take our food order and he gets to me. "What do you want, baby?" I ask Miley.
"Sausage and mash please, Mommy."
"Okay baby. Just that please." I say.
"Lee, you didn't eat breakfast." Mom scolds.
"Observant aren't you. I can't eat right now."
"Riley," Flynn growls and I roll my eyes. "Just get her the burger." Flynn orders for me and I roll my eyes.
"Honey, do you need the loo?" Miley shakes her head. "Okay, I'll be back in a sec." She nods and I get up. I walk towards the toilets and I go to the loo. Once I'm done, I wash my hands and look into the mirror. If it wasn't for Miley I'd be long gone by now.
Do they not realise how hard this is for me? I'm barely holding on right now. When I look into the mirror, I don't see me. Maybe that's because I went dark again but she seems completely lost this time. I prefer who I was before Flynn, the numb Riley who cared for no one. The Riley who had no responsibilities, no pain.
I take a deep breath and walk out of the bathroom. I miss the days when Flynn would barge in the bathroom and knock me back into line. To stop my destructive behaviour. Nothing can stop me spiralling these days. I join them back at the dinner table and I grab Ricardo's drink and take a sip.
I can feel eyes on me but it's only a sip it won't kill me. Ricardo kisses my cheek and I smile. "So, we've decided that we are all to sing for Flynn tonight for his birthday, Riley," Scarlett says.
"Pfft, no ta." I roll my eyes.
"Come on, Riley, live a little. It's not everyday Flynn turns twenty."
"Fine," I mutter. "Although, if I make your ears bleed it's your fault." They laugh and so do I.
     Our food arrives and I pick at it. I can't keep food down so what's the point? This reminds me of the time when Miley was in the home, all eyes watching us. I get fed up and push my plate away.
"Lee, you've hardly eaten," Dad scolds. "Ricardo, do you not have any influences over my daughter?"
"Hmm, yes, in the bedroom department." Ricardo winks at me and they all cringe. He wishes. "You made a sexy daughter."
"Stop talking before I kick your ass out of here," Dad growls and Ricardo laughs.
"Darlin'?" he points to his empty drink and I nod. I get up and walk to the bar. I order his beer again and scan my card. I bring his drink over to the table. "Thank you," he says and kisses my lips.
"How's school, Miley?" Mom asks and she smiles.
"I love it, Nana. The kids like me and I learn a lot. I don't like being away from Mommy that long but I know she will always pick me up from school and we spend the evening together."
"That's good, Honey."
"Have you made lots of friends?"
"Yeah, Ruby and Scarlett and a couple from school. Oh, and my new friend Ricardo."
Mom nods, "That's great, sweetheart." She doesn't seem impressed though. Probably because she mentioned Riccardo.
Once we finish lunch I head to the bathroom again. My stomach is churning again! I puke in the toilet and I groan. This is so exhausting. Once I'm done I wash my mouth.
I go to the loo again and wash my hands. I walk out the bathroom and sit down again. Dessert is served and strawberries are placed in front of me and my stomach churns again. Hell! I used to love strawberries. I push them away from me so I can't smell them.
"Honey, what's wrong now? You love strawberries." I had to swap my bathroom soaps for apples. I can't stand the smell of strawberries.
I hold my mouth and nose until the nausea passes. "Not anymore," I gag. Man, they were my favourite thing and my body is rejecting them.
"I wish you would eat something. I really thought you'd eat the strawberries." I roll my eyes. I watch as they all eat their desserts. I used to feel connected once. I thought I always would with Miley but I'm not.
I watch as time passes. The karaoke starts and the music is loud. I lean over to Ricardo, "Dance with me." I say and he grins and takes my hand and pulls me to the dance floor. He pulls me back to him and we dance.
I sway my hips back onto him as Scarlett and Ruby sing to Flynn who's sat at the table with Miley. He watches them on the stage and I lose myself in the music and I turn to face Ricardo and I kiss him. "Riley, it's your turn," Scarlett says into the Mic. I groan and look at them on stage.
She waves me onto the stage and I walk towards them. They hug me when I reach them and Scarlett hands me the mic. They walk off stage and I bring the Mic to my lips. "I'd flee the country now before I burst your eardrums." I smile and they laugh. I go to the system and choose a song.
I play I'll never love again by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. I shut my eyes as the music starts. I start singing the lyrics and they cut deep inside of me. I look at Flynn as I sing the next line. His eyes have fixed on me. They don't burn me like they used to and it makes me sad. "Don't wanna feel another touch, Don't wanna start another fire, Don't wanna know another kiss, No other name fallin' off my lips, Don't wanna give my heart away." It's his birthday, they want me to sing to him and these lyrics mean the most to me. My heart was his, I guess in a way it still is. He has it and there is no getting it back now. I continue to sing the rest of the song with my eyes shut.
I guess I needed to tell him this. I needed to tell him I can't love anyone else. "Don't let another day begin, Won't let the sunlight in, Oh, I'll never love again." The sun hasn't risen since he left. I've been trapped in the same day. Hurting and not living. I open my eyes as I sing the last lyrics.
I put the mic back in the holder and I see them all staring at me. My eyes lock with Flynn and I see a tear escape his eye. I can't see him like this and I flee the scene. I need some air, I run outside and I gasp for air. I run to the railing and puke. "Riley," Flynn says and I can't stop puking. "Riley."
"Go away, Flynn." He holds my hair back whilst I continue to puke. "Flynn," I whine trying to push him away.
"Have you got a bug or something? How many times have you been sick today?" Once the puking stops I stand up straight and step away from him.
"It's none of your business." I snap.
"You are so hard work these days. I didn't know you could sing like that."
"What like a strangled cat?" I growl. I like to sing when I'm alone but I wouldn't say I'm good at it.
"No, like an angel. I couldn't stop looking at you. A siren's call." I roll my eyes. What's he trying to do?
"Enough with the Angel, shit. I ain't an angel."
"You used to let me in. Now you won't let anyone in. You are hurting your family."
"You used to love me and only me." I've accepted it but I just can't get over it.
"I still love you."
"Bullshit."
"I care about you, Riley. I can't just stop loving you. You mean too much to me to stop."
"Well, you're a fool. Love is for fools. The smartest thing you ever did was get with Scarlett. She's the best decision you have and will ever make."
"Don't say that to me. Don't degrade yourself like this. What we had was special. I love her but doesn't mean I don't love what we were."
"Why are you saying this to me? Nothing is going to change. Nothing will ever change."
He sighs, "I know. I just need you to remember you are worth something. To believe you are worthy."
"I am not worthy of anything! I am bad to the core Flynn. Look at me! I hurt people, it's who I am."
"No, you aren't. I of all people know what's in here." He steps towards me and places his hand over my heart and I stop breathing. My heart skips a beat and starts pounding. "I'm happy you are moving on with Ric."
"I'm not moving on Flynn! I don't know why I let him close. He makes me feel more alive. It took me a long time to accept him! And he's not even a third of seeing me."
"He's closer than I thought you'd let him. That's all I could hope for."
"I freaked out when he first stayed over Flynn! All he did was sleep in my bed but I freaked! It took time to let him kiss me. It's only recently he could fuck me! I freaked out the first time too!"
"Still, better than I expected." he shrugs like he doesn't care at all.
"Fuck you, Flynn. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function! Wouldn't it be nice to be you!"
"Wait, you can't eat? Today isn't a one-off?"
"It's none of your business!" I scream and I punch the railings and he holds me from behind.
"Calm down, Riley. Don't do this." Sobs escape my body and he lowers us to the ground and he continues to hold me whilst I try to break free. "Shh," I can't. "Don't push me out."
"I can feel your ribs, Riley. Yet you've put on weight. I don't get it." I continue to try to push him off me until I become too exhausted. "When was the last time you ate and kept it down?"
"Weeks," I sniff trying to hold back the tears.
"I think you should go to the Doctor's."
"No, no more." I cry. I rest my face in his neck and his scent has changed. His scent is masked with Scarlett's. I wrinkle my nose at the different smell. Hell! I get up and wipe my eyes hoping I haven't smudged the makeup too much.
I walk back into the Hotel and I return to the table, I take a mouthful of my drink and swish it around my mouth to disguise the sick taste. Miley is dancing with Ruby and Scarlett and I smile. "Darlin'?"
He sits next to me and I pull him to my lips. I crave intimacy but Ricardo never scratches the itch. I always knew Flynn ruined guys for me but hell! "Don't say anything, just kiss me," I whisper and he pulls me onto his lap and grips my backside.
"Did I tell you I love your ass?"
I giggle, "Yes, Ric, you tell me every day."
"Honey?" Mom says. I remove my lips from Ricardo's and I look at her. "Are you okay?" I nod and she smiles subtly. "We are going to have dinner soon."
"I need to leave soon. Rex will be needing to go out."
"Okay, dinner first then we will take you home." I nod and everyone returns to the table. The music is background noise again. I sit back on my chair and the barman comes over to take our order again. "Lee?"
I roll my eyes, "Salad, I guess. Honey, what do you want?"
"Erm, pasta please."
"And a pasta," I say and people roll their eyes at me. I cross my legs and Ricardo places his hand on my leg.
Ricardo kisses my neck and grazes my ear and I giggle, "I'll have another beer please, Darlin'." I nod and I get up to the bar. This time Tyler joins me.
"Beer, juice and water please," I say. Tyler places his hand over mine that's rested on the bar and I withdraw.
"You always said I should have been happy with you and Flynn and I hated it. Now I miss it," I look at him and scowl. "Don't look at me like that. You have my approval, I know what it feels like to have a soul mate. I couldn't bear to be parted from Ruby now."
"Oh Gee, thanks. Little too late, Tyler. That chapter of my life is done. He's not my soul mate. He's nothing to me, just like you." He is my soulmate. I might not be his but he's definitely mine.
"Hell, what can I do, sis?"
"Nothing, he doesn't love me, I don't love him. We are over, Tyler. Accept it!" I love him so fucking much. I don't think I'll ever stop no matter what he does.
"That's crap, Riley and you know it. You don't ever stop loving someone like that. I know I could never stop loving Ruby."
"Well, I'm not you Tyler! Flynn isn't you! I'm broken, he got fed up of loving someone so fucked up!" I swipe my card and I pick up the glasses and return to the table. Miley climbs on my lap and I hug her.
"Do you think my brother is enjoying his birthday?" Miley asks.
"I'm sure he is but why don't you go wish him a happy birthday again and give him a kiss."
She smiles at me and climbs off my lap. She runs around to Flynn and he picks her up. He looks at me briefly and listens to what Miley has to say and she kisses his cheek and hugs him. I don't hear the words that are exchanged but his smile is something else.
Miley stays chatting to him for a while until the food arrives and she runs back to me. She climbs on my lap instead of her chair and I pass her a fork. "Blow first, baby, it will be hot." She nods and does as I say.
I watch as she eats her food and Dad throws his cutlery down. "I'm getting sick of this. Just eat Riley!" I cock my head at him from his outburst. I smile innocently and he glares at me. "Riley!"
I use my elbow to knock my plate on the floor and he gets up from his chair. Mom grabs his arm to calm him down. I set Miley on her chair and move her plate for her and she frowns at me. "It's okay baby, eat your food." She nods and Dad grabs my arm and pulls me out of the room and outside.
"I'm fucking sick of this Riley! This is enough! I can't watch my child do this!" I roll my eyes and he grabs my jaw. "Don't fucking do that! React! Do something normal!"
"I'm not normal, Hayden!" I scream back to him and Flynn pushes Dad away from me.
"Hayden, don't do this. You'll regret it!" Flynn says standing between us.
"I need to knock some sense into her! I can't sit around and watch her do this! She needs to react to something! Something has to give! Something has to snap her out of this!"
"I'm sorry, Hayden. I wish I could help, but I can't," Flynn says.
"This isn't your fault. You helped her in someways. I thought I got my daughter back when she loved you. I was so happy and now, she's gone. I'm ashamed to call her my daughter!"
"She's still in there, Hayden. I just can't reach her, please don't give up on her. Please," he begs and I shiver. He's ashamed of me? "Go back inside, I'll bring her back in."
"Don't bother, I'm done," Dad says and leaves us. He's done? Tears fall from my face, I didn't even do anything that bad. Flynn turns to face me and cups my face. I try push him off me but he doesn't release me.
"Riley, I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, go back to Scarlett. I need to get back for Rex. I told you I didn't belong." I push passed him and wipe my eyes. I enter the private room and I head to the bar.
"What can I get you?" he asks.
"I need to pay for the two kids meals, the burger, salad, steak and big burger." He rings up the till and I swipe my card. I leave the bar and walk to Miley, she's thankfully finished her meal. "It's time to go, Honey, Rex needs his walk." She nods and holds her hands out to me. Ricardo stands, "Stay," I say. "Celebrate Flynn's birthday."
"Are you sure Darlin'?" I want to be alone tonight anyway.
"Course," I nod and he kisses my cheek.
"Honey, we can drive you," Mom says and I look at Dad and he's still pissed as hell.
"No, you need to stay and celebrate Flynn's birthday. I need to walk Rex and get her to bed." I leave them without a goodbye. I fail miserably at holding back my tears and it's dark now. I think about walking but I have Miley with me.
I order a Taxi to get home. Miley is asleep by the time we are home. Damn it, I carry her upstairs and Rex barks at me. I hush him and leave the apartment again with Rex and Miley still in my arms. Not sure what you are supposed to do in times like this. I'm still new to all of this. I need a house so I can just let him out in the garden.
I don't go far as I have Miley in my arms. I normally get someone from next door to watch Miley whilst I let Rex out. Once he's stretched his legs and done his business I head back up to the apartment. I dress Miley in PJ's and put her to bed.
I sit on the couch and I cry. I let it all out. Today was too hard, I was disowned by my Dad. They all hate me. My phone rings but I reject Mom's call. She leaves a voicemail and I listen to it. "Honey, I need to hear your voice, I'm worried about you. Your Dad didn't mean it, he was angry. I can't believe you paid for your drinks and food. Please call honey so I know you are okay."
I don't reply, I turn the TV on and watch a film whilst I continue to cry. Hours pass, I can't even run as much because of Miley. I can only run whilst she's at school or someone is watching her. I glance at the time and it's one am. How is it that time already? I look at my phone and there's a text message from Ricardo.
RICARDO- I miss you and your ass. Can I stay tonight? X
ME- I want to be alone.
RICARDO- You're alone too much darlin'. I wish you were here. X
ME- Have fun.
I toss my phone away and my tears still flow. My door opens and I frown. Flynn staggers in and I groan. "Hey," he smiles and stumbles in.
"What are you doing?" I growl wiping my eyes.
"I'm drunk," he chuckles and flops on the sofa next to me. I'm fucked, I can't resist drunk Flynn.
"I can see that," I roll my eyes and he wipes my tears. "Don't," I warn. "I want you to leave!"
"Hey, don't be mean on my birthday." He sways and rests his head on my stomach.
"It's technically not your birthday anymore."
"Shh!" he presses his finger to his lips. "You never got me a present."
"And?"
"I think I deserve a present from you."
"I couldn't," I sigh. He grabs my hand and places it on his hair. He cut it shortly after our break up so it's not as long. I reluctantly stroke his hair and he groans.
"Why?" he says sleepily.
"Because, Flynn. We broke up, what do I get someone who means everything to me but hurts me. Who is in love with someone else? Who doesn't burn me with his eyes anymore, who doesn't care about me? You tell me what I'm supposed to buy that person?"
He sits up and cups my face, "I don't burn you anymore?" he frowns.
I gasp, "Well, you are right now. Stop," I beg but his eyes continue to burn me. He hasn't burned me with his eyes since he left me.
"How do I stop when I don't know what I'm doing?" I squirm. "I want you, right here, right now. You wore that dress on purpose."
"No, Flynn, you're drunk. You are with one of my best friends. Don't do this, we can't."
"I'm not drunk enough to not feel this. Please, Ri," I gasp at my nickname that I haven't heard in so long. "This is my only birthday wish, you aren't going to deny me are you?" I have to, I don't want to lose Scarlett as a friend. I've already lost Flynn. I need to stop this before he consumes me.