Forever Lost

Chapter 2

I wake again and grumble. I look at the time, 7 am. I woke a couple more times but Jax just kept holding me.
     I get out of bed and walk into the bathroom. I go for a wee and then head to the kitchen to make coffee. My stomach growls so I decide to make us some bacon sarnies.
    Once it's all made I put it on a tray and head to the bedroom. Jax is still sparko, he has a light snore which is actually cute. I get into bed and his eyes sleepily open.
     "Peace offering?" I smile. I hate how often I woke him up last night.
     "I'm gunna marry you babe," I laugh. He slowly sits up against the head board and I pass him his coffee. He takes a huge mouthful and sighs.
    He pops the cup on the bedside table. He eagerly grabs a plate and grabs the brown sauce. He squirts in on and then takes a bite.
    He hums his approval whilst I lift the bread and squirt ketchup on mine. I shove it in my mouth and chew with my mouth full the brim. Jax laughs and wipes the corner of my mouth with his thumb.
    He puts the ketchup stained thumb in his mouth. "You're weird," I mumble with my mouth still full. I grab the remote and put friends on.
     We finished breakfast and then Jax said he had to get to work. So I did some drawing and now I'm sat on the sofa on Sunday afternoon and the door goes. I get up and open it and Ricardo is stood in the doorway. "Darlin' why is a beautiful girl like you crying?"
    "What are you doing here?" I didn't even realise I was crying.
   "I'm looking for my sister." Why would his sister be here?
   "I imagine she went to blowing rock with Tyler." I move out the way so he can come in. I lock the door again and he frowns at me.
   "And you didn't go?"
   "No, they aren't my family."
   He walks to my couch and pats it to join me. I walk over to him and go to sit down but instead he pulls me to sit astride him. My heart pounds not in the way that Flynn makes it pound but Ricardo is making me feel something. . .
    "Ric," I warn.
    "Come on, Darlin', dry your eyes." I look into his eyes and something settles me. I don't get lost like I would with Flynn but something is there. He strokes my cheeks and I take a deep breath. "Come on, get up. We need to liven the party up. It's depressing in here. Alexa, play pop music."
    Alexa replies and plays music. He grabs my hips and pulls me to the area behind the couch and starts slow dancing with me even though you can't slow dance to What makes you beautiful by one direction. He dips me and I laugh.
    "You don't know you're beautiful," he coo's with the lyrics and I roll my eyes. He spins me around and pulls me back into his body and sways his hips. Man, I miss Flynn but I am having fun. He's sparking something inside of me, I just don't know what. He spins me around again and his eyes bore into me. "If only you saw what I can see. You'll understand why I want you so desperately."
     "Ric," I gasp. "I can't," I whisper.
    "I know, no pressure Darlin'." He cups my face and I stop breathing. My heart thumps again and his touch is oddly soothing. He leans towards me and everything is screaming at me. It's too soon and not the right person but I can't seem to move or protest.
     I place my hands on his chest but don't push against him. He stops inches from my face and I shut my eyes and tense. He doesn't make any move just stays perfectly still. The front door pounds and I pull away. Man, he was too close. I walk to the door and Miley jumps into my arms. I've missed her so much. I pull her inside and shut the door.
      I hear curses the other side of the door as I carry her to the couch. "You need to leave," I say to Ricardo and he nods. He blows me a kiss and walks to the door. He opens it and everyone piles in. He hastily leaves, "Ricardo?" Tyler says as he leaves. The door closed and I continue to hold my girl.
    "Did you have a good time, baby?" I ask Miley and ignore the uninvited guests.
   "Yeah, we did so much! We went shopping and we went to a park and we went to the zoo! But I missed you, Mommy, I don't ever want to be parted from you." She lifts my top up and rests her cheek on my tummy again. "I'm back, I missed you."
     I stroke her hair again, I've missed her so much. "Ruby did my makeup yesterday, she made me so pretty and Scarlett did my hair." I freeze. Scarlett? Fuck, I am so glad I didn't go. I rest Miley on the couch and get up. Why would he find it appropriate to take her there? To my childhood home?
     "Riley," Flynn panics. "Let me explain." I rush to the bathroom and I hurl again. His love life should not make me physically sick but it does. He took Scarlett to the place we connected. That is all levels kind of wrong! To my childhood home. My eyes water as I continue to be sick. The bathroom door opens and I groan. "Please, let me explain."
      He tries to hold my hair but I push him away from me and he sighs. "Save it," I mutter between hurling.
     "I'm worried about you," he says softly. "I never planned to take her, Riley."
     I sit up once the sickness subsides, "I don't want sordid details. I don't need you to explain your love life. We are over! If you want to take your new love interest to my old home where we connected then that's your choice!"
    "Riley. I asked her to be my girlfriend." Hell! Dry heaves rack my body. This is exhausting. "Riley, this is hurting you."
    "But are you happy?" I counter.
    "Yes," he whispers.
    "Then that's all that matters to me." I flush the loo and rest my arm on the toilet and rest my head on my arm and shut my eyes. "Did you connect with her?"
    "Riley, I'm not answering this stupid question that will hurt you." I miss him calling me Ri and that's stupid!
    "Please, I need to know. It's helping," I reassure him.
    "Yes, Riley. We did but doesn't mean I'll forget us." Tears fall from my eyes. He's hurting because of me but he should be happy with his new relationship without me holding him back.
    I stand up and I pull him up from the floor and I push him out the bathroom. "Then go be with her!" I growl and slam the door. I lower myself on the floor and sob, this hurts so fucking much. My bedroom door opens and Tyler walks in. He sits next to me but doesn't say anything. "Go away!"
     "How have you been? We missed you."
     "Well, you better get used to it."
     "I thought you might have calmed down over the weekend."
     "Why would you think that?" I snap. "I want everyone to leave!" I growl and he sighs. He leaves the bathroom and minutes later I hear the front door close. I get up and wipe my eyes and walk back in and they are gone.
     The next few days pass by in a blur. Miley is in bed as it's a school night. The front door opens and Ricardo walks in. I frown, when did he have a key? He holds the keys out and drops them in Tyler's hand. I roll my eyes. Ruby, Flynn and Scarlett follow them in and I groan. Tyler stocks my fridge up with beer not that I can drink it.
      They join me on the sofa and Ricardo sits next to me and places his arm around me. "Games night," Tyler announces.
     "Well go play it at yours, Tyler. I'm not interested." Ricardo looks at me and my heart thumps.
     "You aren't going to turn me away are you Darlin'?" I try not look into his eyes for too long as it's unbearable.
    "Fine, whatever." The quicker we play the game the quicker they will leave.
    "Can you grab me a drink Darlin'?" I roll my eyes and get up.
    "Get some for us, Sis."
    "I ain't your sis," I growl. I walk to the kitchen and bend down to grab the stray teatowel on the floor.
     "Damn, look at that ass. Did I mention I was an ass man?" Ricardo whistles and I roll my eyes.
    "Gross man, that's my sister," Tyler growls.
     I reach into the fridge and grab 5 beer bottles. "I ain't your sister," I repeat as I shut the fridge door. I pass Flynn and Scarlett a bottle each and then to Tyler and Ruby and finally Ricardo. He grabs my wrist and hastily pulls me onto his lap so I'm sat astride him and he grabs my ass and I slap his hands away.
      "Riley, you didn't get a bottle opener," Ruby says and I laugh. "What's funny?"
      I turn on Ricardo's lap and I hold my hand out and she places the bottle in my hand. I press the cap on the edge of the coffee table and I whack it with the heel of my hand and the cap flies off. "That's sexy, Darlin', where did you learn that?"
      I pass Ruby her bottle, "My friend Tristan taught me when we were in bed with no bottle opener and we were thirsty." I hold my hand out to Scarlett and she passes me her bottle and I do the same.
     "Any other tricks, Darlin'?" I shrug and I hold my hand out to grab Flynn's and bring the bottle to my mouth and prize the cap off with my back teeth. I spit the cap out and pass it back to him.     
"Do mine, exactly like that." I laugh and I turn to face him and I look him in the eye and he passes me his bottle and I bring it to my lips. I pull the cap off and he brings his finger and thumb to my lips and he takes to cap from my mouth and his thumb skims my bottom lip and I gasp.
     I quickly climb off his lap and I quickly pop Tyler's off with the table. I walk to the kitchen and start cleaning the kitchen to distract myself. I play music on Alexa and they talk as I clean my kitchen. "Riley, sit down, we are going to play Would you rather," Ruby says.
     "Fuck," I groan. The last time I played drinking games I confessed some deep shit. I grab some water and I walk to my seat.
     "Me first then," Ricardo says. "Would you rather, have sex with light off or light on?" I roll my eyes. "On for me."
     "On," Tyler says.
    "On," Ruby says.
    "On," Scarlett says.
   "On," Flynn says. Figures.
   "Darlin'?"
   "Off," I admit. Who wants to see that shit, well unless it's Flynn. Fuck! Stop thinking about him.
   "Your turn," Ricardo says.
    "Would you rather press redo and change everything or live with your regrets?"
   "Live with," Ricardo says.
   "Live with," Ruby says.
   "Live with," Tyler says.
   "Redo," Scarlett says.
   "Live with," Flynn says like it's a no brainer.
   "Redo, wish I could," I shrug. I really wish I could go back in time and not have met Flynn. The pain is too much. I used to say don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I don't think I go by that anymore.
    "Do it in extreme cold or extreme heat?" Tyler says. Why do they keep saying dirty ones?
   "Heat," Ruby says.
   "Heat," Flynn and Scarlett say in unison.
   "Cold," Ricardo says and touches my boob, "These harden in the cold," I glare at him and he laughs. I push his hand off me, "Come on, Darlin' have a little fun."
    "Cold," I mutter. That's all I'll ever be is cold. The warmth faded along with Flynn. I'm cold all the damn time.
    "Spend your last moments with family or do something crazy you always wanted to do?" Ruby asks. "Family for me." What family is she talking about? I hope she feels we're her family now.
    "Family," Scarlett says.
    Flynn looks at me and cocks his head, "Family."
    "Crazy," Ricardo says.
    "Crazy," I admit.
    "Family," Tyler says and grabs my hand. I withdraw my hand and he sighs.
    "If you lost your keys 50 miles from home do you change all locks or leave them in the hopes no one matches them with yours?" Scarlett asks. "I'd change the locks.
    "Change," Flynn says.
    "Leave them," Ricardo says.
    "Leave them," I say emotionless.
    "Change," Tyler and Ruby say.
    "Be emotionless or feel too much?" Flynn says looking at me. "Feel for me." Of course, he would say that.
     "Feel, could you imagine not feeling whilst having sex. My worst nightmare if I couldn't feel whilst fucking you," Ricardo says and strokes my cheek and I look at him.
      "Emotionless would be my saving grace," I mutter and he leans down and whispers in my ear.
      "One day I'll prove you wrong, Darlin'."
     "Feel," Tyler says. I block out the rest of the game because I'm just not into it. I generally just answer with a false answer and Flynn keeps glaring at me calling bullshit. They are all drunk or at least getting that way.
     Ruby pulls me up to dance with Scarlett and the guys stay sat on the couch. They giggle like girls but I love these girls so I don't care. Ruby grabs my hips and pulls me back towards her and I dance down her body. I wish I had drink in my system.
     Scarlett laughs and cups my face and she leans her face towards me. "Babe, you chose well." She glances at Flynn and then looks back at me and her lips touch mine. I tense instantly.
    I kiss her back but only for a moment and I pull away. "Babe, you've drunk too much. I think it's time to leave." Flynn pulls her into his arms and I stagger backwards into Ruby's arms and she supports me. Scarlett kisses him and I whimper and I hold my mouth and Flynn looks at me.
     Hell! I walk into the bathroom and I puke again. That was so embarrassing. When I resurface it's only Ricardo left. I look at the time and it's one am. How is it that late? "I'm going to bed."
    "Best thing you've said all day." Ricardo jokes.
    "Alone," I say sternly. He jumps up from the couch and walks towards me. I back up against the wall trying to keep my distance. He places his hands either side of my face.
     "I know you feel it," he whispers. My heart thumps and I squirm.
     "I don't feel, I'm dead," I admit.
     He strokes my cheek and I shut my eyes. My heart is pounding with desire, not terror. "Yes you do," he slowly touches his lips against mine and I feel that strange soothing feeling as before. I kiss him softly not knowing what to do. I push him off me and he smirks.
      I feel safe and I yearn for his contact, I just don't know how. "Will you stay tonight? No sex, no kissing but just sleep?" I ask and he smiles. He takes my hand and leads me into my room. He removes his top and jeans and I stay in my PJ's. I find a hoodie and place it over me. I need protection. I slide into bed next to him and lay facing him with distance between us.
      He takes my hand and I let him. I shut my eyes and I fall asleep. I wake from a nightmare as usual and I panic when I find Ricardo in my bed. What the hell did I do? My body begins to shake, I climb out of bed in sheer terror. I need him out, I need him to leave. I run to Miley's room and lift her out of bed. She stirs but doesn't wake. I have no idea what time it is.
     I exit my apartment and I bang on Tyler's door. I keep pounding on the door until someone answers. Flynn answers the door in his boxers and he's sleepy. I push past him and set Miley on the sofa and cover her in a blanket. "Riley, what's wrong?"
      "I need Tyler, where is he? Tyler!" I call and leave Miley on the sofa. I knock his door frantically. He will save me.
     "Shit, what's wrong Riley?" Flynn says again and Tyler opens his door and I jump into his arms.
     "Lee? What's wrong?" he walks out his room and shuts the door with me still in his arms. I continue to shake. "Lee?"
     "I need you to get him to leave. Please," I beg.
    "Who? Leave where?" he asks.
    Flynn strokes my hair but I push him off me. "Riley, tell us."
   Tyler lowers me to my feet and he cups my face. He tries wiping my tears but they flow freely. "Lee, I can help. Just tell me."
    "You need to make him leave my apartment," I cry. "Please, make him leave." Tyler lets go of me and walks towards the door. He leaves his apartment in bottoms and shirtless. I drop to the floor and Flynn kneels in front of me.
     "Calm down, Riley. Did someone hurt you? Who's in your apartment?" Flynn asks. I bring my knees to my chest and bury my face on my knees. Rex cries next to me. I rock trying to control myself. How could I voluntarily let him stay in my bed? I was so stupid.
    Minutes later Tyler returns and he sits next to me, "He's gone, did he hurt you?" Tyler growls.
   "Who?" Flynn asks.
   "Ricardo, he was asleep in her bed. He says nothing happened but how can I believe that when she's in this state?" I climb to my feet and take Miley in my arms again. "Lee, what are you doing? You need to tell me what happened?"
    I shake my head and leave his apartment. I lock the door and I settle Miley back in bed. I go to my room and strip the bedsheets. I need all traces of him gone from my bed. I shove the sheets in the machine and turn it on.
    ME- Can you come over when you're free?
    JAX- Sure babe. Be there at 7pm after my shift. X
   Miley and I are watching TV when there's a knock on the door. It's soon Miley's bedtime so she's in her pjs with her blanket that my mom and Dad gave her.
    I get up and open the door. Jax smiles when I open the door. "Jax!" Miley squeals. She runs over and holds her arms out to him. She hasn't officially met him yet but she saw him in the video call.
    He lifts her up and walks into the apartment. "Mommy, it's my new friend." I smile and stroke her hair. "Can you read me a bedtime story Jax?"
    "Sure, what am I reading?" he asks. Miley points to her bedroom and he walks in that direction.
     I follow just incase she doesn't interact without me. "Umm, black beauty? Mommy bought it for me."
    He sets her down on the bed and she gets under the covers. She reaches over and grabs the book from her bedside table. He starts reading to her and she shuts her eyes.
    Man, who knew he was a natural with kids? Within ten minutes she's asleep. I touch his shoulder and he stops reading. I take his hand and lead him out the room.
    I leave the door open and crack and lead him to the couch. He sets the book on the table. "You okay babe?"
     I bite my lip. How do I tell him I was an idiot last night? Then I acted like a maniac? "I had a wobble."
     He smirks, "What kind of wobble? Spill."
     "They all came round last night. Flynn and his girlfriend, Tyler, Ruby and Riccardo. Ruby's brother."
     "Flynn has a girlfriend?" he says harshly. "Since when?"
      "Since the weekend. He took her to my parents." He raises his eyebrow, urging me to carrying on. "So they all left apart from Riccardo. He has this ability to calm me. So he kissed me. I responded but it was awkward.
    "I asked him to stay, to just sleep. I woke and I freaked out that he was there in my bed. In my personal space. I grabbed Miley and went next door. I begged Tyler to get him out."
    I throw my head back on the couch and sigh. I was an idiot. "It's understandable babe with what you've been through. If Riccardo cares about you, he will too."
    "But he shouldn't care about me. I'm not normal. I can never give him anything so how is it fair? I had to strip the bed. I needed all traces of him gone."
     "Who cares about being normal?" I look at him but keep my head on the couch.
     "Flynn's girlfriend kissed me," I mutter. His mouth falls open and then he laughs. "Then they kissed and I vomited."
    That definitely kills his laughed. "Babe, it shouldn't make you physically sick." He touches my forehead. "Maybe you have a bug."
    I shrug, "I don't feel poorly. I was sick when he left me. Just the thought of him with someone else I vomit."
     I sigh and cuddle up to him. He rests his arm around me. He grabs the remote and puts on a film. He's warm.
     He stayed the night, comforting me during my nightmares.
     Weeks pass but I don't function. Miley and Rex are what keep me alive. And Jax, he's turning into my best friend. He's been my rock. I've still hung out with the girls and the guys. Ricardo never mentioned what happened and I'm glad.
      We all hang out together again tonight but I'm not really here. Emotions disappear with more time. They all make their cue to leave except Ricardo. When we are alone the soothing atmosphere surrounds us. He grabs my wrist and pulls me on his lap and I cup his face. "This pull is getting stronger. Isn't it?" he presses.
"Yes," I whisper. The more time we spend together the more I seek his calming influences. My heart yearns to pound like he makes it. I lean down and kiss him and it turns into something more urgent. I pull away breathless. It feels so wrong, I feel like I'm cheating on Flynn. This is so hard.
"Do you want me to leave, Darlin'?" I shake my head and he kisses me again. He carries me into my bedroom and lowers me on the bed. He doesn't break our kiss and he climbs on top of me. He reaches for my top but I stop him.
"I'm not ready," I whisper and he releases my top. "I'm sorry." He sits up and smiles at me. I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
"It's okay Darlin'. I'll still be here when you are ready. Shall I leave? I don't want you to freak out again." I shake my head and he moves to lay next to me. He strokes my face, "I care about you, you know? I hate seeing you so sad."
"You should go, I can never be what you want me to be. I'm a shitty person, my feelings for you mean nothing compared to what you probably feel."
"I'm not going anywhere, what I'm feeling it's. . . different. You are pulling me to you, Darlin'. It's getting stronger over time." I shut my eyes and I will myself not to feel like this. We talk until we fall asleep.
I wake from a nightmare as usual and hands cup my face. I look at Ricardo and he looks sleepy. "Hey, Darlin', you're safe." I try get my breathing under control. "Calm down," I nod and my breathing starts to return to normal.
"I need you to leave before Miley wakes up," he nods and slides out of bed and starts dressing. He's always followed my commands without fighting. He kisses my lips and leaves my room. I hear the front door close and I sigh.
Another week passes and Ricardo has stayed over a few times. Just kissing nothing else. I haven't seen Flynn in a while. Work, Uni, looking after Miley is exhausting. Miley is in bed and Ricardo has arrived and we are watching TV.
Ricardo shifts us so he's laying on top of me, "You are so beautiful, Darlin'." I smile and he kisses me. "You have no idea how much restraint I need when we get this far."
"Don't stop then," I whisper. I trust him not to hurt me, I can do this. I want this, Flynn is never coming back. He looks at me and cocks his head.
"Are you sure?" he says confused. I nod and he gets off the couch and takes my hand. He pulls me to my feet and turns the TV off. He pulls me into my bedroom and keeps the light off but you can still somewhat see. He starts undressing and I stand frozen. My heart is thumping uncontrollably. I'm scared, not of him but of what this means.
It's another severed tie to Flynn if I do this. Once he's undressed he walks towards me and I hold my hand out. "Stop," I beg.
"You aren't ready, that's okay Darlin' we have time," he reassures me.
"No, I want to, I just have to do this myself," I can't have him undress me. That was one of my favourite things with Flynn. Him dressing me and undressing me. Like his own present, a tear escapes my eye.
Ricardo puts his boxer back on, "I'm not doing this, it's hurting you." I loved it when Flynn couldn't resist his Christmas present.
"Please," I beg. "I need to move on from him," I cry and he cups my face.
"You'd know if you were ready, it shouldn't be this hard Darlin'."
"Breathing is hard, Ric. Life is hard, nothing is easy anymore." Nothing is going to be the same again. All I want is for Flynn to take me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay. But I know he won't. He's happy.
"I want to take your pain away, Darlin' I just don't know how." I press my wet lips against his and it helps ease the pain. I pull away and lift my top over my head and let it slide out my hands. I undo my bra and it slides to the floor. I shimmy my shorts and panties down my legs and Ricardo stands watching me and it's slightly unnerving. I always loved it when Flynn watched me.
Ricardo takes my hand and lowers me on the bed. He climbs on top of me and he kisses me. "Are you sure? I need you to be 100% sure, any doubt and I'll stop Darlin'."
"Don't talk, just fuck me," I whisper. He sits up on his knees and slides on a condom. He lowers onto me and slowly pushes inside me and I panic. His lips claim mine and it soothes me again. I make no attempt to move as he makes slow movements.
I grip the bedsheets tightly, every muscle in my body is tense. This is uncomfortable, yet it's not horrible. I still feel him, the pain of Flynn fades as my body starts to relax. I move his lips to my neck. He grips my hips and I whimper. "Am I hurting you, Darlin'?" he pants in my ear.
"No," I whisper. He stills and looks at me. "Keep going," I choke. I can't fucking breathe.
"Fuck, this is killing you isn't it?" I thought I was doing okay. My cheeks are wet and there's a lump in my throat. My hands hurt as they cling to the bed.
"No, I'm already dead," I admit. "Please, keep going." He groans and picks up the rhythm. Everything was easy with Flynn. Once I let him in that is. Since Flynn left me I've had to adapt and take care of myself and it's so fucking hard. Ricardo is the only speck of happiness I can see in my life other than Miley, Jax and Rex.
Ricardo finds his release and rolls off me to lay next to me. I'm glad it's over but I strangely feel unfinished. It's been a long time during sex I haven't climaxed. With Flynn, I normally climax multiple times. Ricardo's breathing starts to shallow as he gets his breath back. He removes the condom and turns on his side to face me. "You okay, Darlin'?" I nod. "You sure?"
"It takes adjusting on my part," I admit. "Everything used to be so easy with Flynn. I used to drink myself to oblivion before Flynn to be able to have sex with others. Even after Flynn I couldn't have drunk sex with anyone. What with James and those guys, it's harder than I thought."
"Who's James and what guys, Darlin'?"
"My ex, he raped me, stole my virginity a year or so ago. He used to hurt me, I thought he died. But turns out he didn't, he found me a couple of months ago and hurt me. Broke some ribs, strangled me. Thats why I was so poorly and hurt over New Years. And the guys who raped me last year, I stupidly got drunk and well I thought I wanted to until they touched me but I couldn't stop them, I was too drunk."
"No wonder this is so hard for you, Darlin'. I wish you would have told me before, I could have helped you. Is there any hope for you and Flynn?"
"No, he left me and I'm not that Riley anymore. I never will be again," he nods. "I need a shower," he nods and I run into the bathroom and I lock the door. I quickly run into the living room to grab my phone and I run back into the bathroom.
I get my phone out and I compose a message.
ME- I'm sorry.
FLYNN- For what?
I don't reply I just get in the shower and I start scrubbing. Tears flow from my eyes. I was so stupid, I betrayed Flynn even though he doesn't want me. I sink to the floor and cry into my knees. I panic that I can't scrub the dirt off and I hold the back of my head and hold tightly trying to squeeze some sense into me.
I will always be dirty! I hear the bathroom door fly open but it doesn't stop my panic. I try scrubbing again but it only makes my skin sore, not clean. "Riley," Flynn gasps. He turns the shower off and I continue to cry uncontrollably but I can hear it now instead of the deafening water. "Fuck, what the hell did you do to her, Riccardo?" Flynn covers me in a towel.
"Nothing she didn't ask me to do," Ricardo defends himself.
"Well, get the fuck out of here. Go get Tyler whilst your at it," I rock as I try to live with my sins. Flynn picks me up and walks me into my bedroom. He goes to lower me on the bed but I scream. I pull the duvet off and the sheet and the pillows. "Calm down, Riley," he says softly and he brings some PJ's over to me.
He dries me and starts dressing me. Once he's done I push him away from me. I sit in the middle of the bed and I bring my knees to my chest and I rock. "What the hell happened?" Tyler says. He stands in the doorway to the living room.
"Don't know, she texted me to say she was sorry. She didn't reply so I came over. Ric was naked in her bed. She locked herself in the bathroom so I kicked it open. She was in the shower like this. She was trying to scrub herself clean." Flynn sits in front of me and looks into my eyes. He grabs my face, "Was it consensual Riley?" he demands as I continue to rock.
"You think he hurt her?" Tyler gasps. "I'll kill him."
"No, I didn't say that," Flynn says. "I think she accepted but it freaked her out." Flynn shakes me but I don't respond. "I know they had sex though. Riley, answer me!" I hate how he knows me so well.
"How do you know?" Tyler asks.
"Because it's what she does. She feels dirty again so she's freaking out because she's not clean." I push Flynn off me.
"I want you to leave," I whisper.
"Riley, answer me," Flynn demands. "Let me in," he begs.
"No!" I push him off the bed. "Tyler, make him leave," I demand and Tyler nods. He helps Flynn off the floor and they leave. I curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.
     When I wake I groan. I'm like a walking zombie. No amount of sleep helps me, it's a wonder why I bother with it. I grab my phone.
     ME- I did something stupid. X
     JAX- Be there in ten babe. X
     I smile, he's always there when I need him. Just as he promised. I get up and strip the sheets and pop them in the wash.
     I put fresh sheets on the bed and flip the kettle on. I get out two cups and make two coffees. The door goes just as I finish them. I let Jax in and I grab the coffees and sit on the couch.
    "What did you do this time babe?" he smirks. I love how he's so at ease with everything.
     "I had sex with Ric last night. Then I freaked out. Texted Flynn to say I was sorry and then he kicked the bathroom door down as I was in the shower panicking."
     He bites his lip trying refrain from laughing. "Was the sex good?"
     "It wasn't bad," I shrug. "Scratch that, no matter what I tried to tell myself it was awful."
     He sips his coffee as he listens to me. "It was absolute torture. I guess I hoped it would be easier than it actually was."
     "Babe, you're a stubborn motherfucker. It was too soon but you had to push boundaries." He takes my hand and puts it on his heart. "You don't just get over someone like that in a few weeks, especially with your past."
    I feel his slow heartbeat and it's calming. "I don't want to keep feeling like this, Jax."
    "I know babe. Unfortunately, it's not going away any times soon. Getting into bed with another isn't going to fix that."
    I hear fast footsteps and Miley comes bounding over to us. "Jax!" she climbs on the couch and hugs him.
    "Hey munchkin," he says softly. I remove my hand from his chest and take a sip of my coffee.
      We went to the park all three of us and Rex. It was nice to get some fresh air. He had to go to work at lunch but he turned my frown upside down and that's hard to do these days.
      I wake and it's been a week since my freak out, sweat dripping off my skin as the nightmare consumes me. My bedroom door opens and I groan. "Sis, we are going to Mom and Dad's today."
"No," I growl. "I'm not going," I hiss.
"Yes you are, it's Dad's birthday. They are waiting to celebrate for the weekend." Good for them.
"Give me a minute and I'll get Miley ready so she can go with you." I sit up and go to get out of bed.
"Not this shit again, you didn't go last time. Mom was devastated."
"What part of, I am not going do you not understand?"
"You are being so selfish." Maybe I am but it's not something I can do anymore.
"I can't fucking do it, Tyler! To be there with Flynn but without Flynn where he took his girlfriend. I just can't!"
"Life is hard, Riley! Get the fuck over it!" If I could then I would.
"Fuck off, I will have Miley ready in ten." I get out of bed and walk to Miley's room. She's not awake yet so I pack her bags for her.
"Mommy? Are we going somewhere?" she asks sleepily.
"You are going to see Nana and Pop's," I smile at her.
She climbs off the bed and launches at me, "No, not without you, Mommy. Not again," she whimpers.
"You enjoyed yourself last time, baby. You said you loved it," I reassure her and she clings to me.
"But I missed you so much," she cries.
"It's two days baby, Nana and Pop's will love to see you."
"I can call whenever I miss you?"
"Of course, baby. As I promised last time if you hate it and you miss me too much I'll come and get you."
"Okay Mommy," she stops crying.
"Now go brush your teeth." She nods and goes to the bathroom. I find her some clothes to wear and I help her into them when she returns. I carry her bag into the living room. Flynn and Tyler are waiting by the door. "You need to get her breakfast."
"Don't start, Riley, you have to come. Hell, I'll even stay so you can go." Flynn groans. "They are your family." I place Miley into Flynn's arms.
"They are not my family! Miley is, now go." I hold Miley's bag out to him and he sighs.
    Tyler blows me a kiss and I glare at him. I watch as they leave. I always feel empty when Miley leaves. I go for a run to try and distract me. I invite Ricardo over and he is amazing and acts like nothing happened. I let him stay over again and we end up having sex. It was better but I was still glad it was over.
I go to work and Ricardo keeps me company. Miley calls frequently but sounds like she's having fun. He doesn't push me, he doesn't control me or hurt me. He flatters me and makes me happy, well as happy as I can be.
We lay in bed and Ricardo has already fallen asleep. I lay on my side facing away from him but I don't like him holding me at night. Maybe hand holding but that's all I can accept. He's confident and he calms me in a way I didn't think possible after Flynn. I am in control though and he's happy to give me the reins.
I pay for everything if we eat out or he wants booze. I look after him, he's jobless so he can't afford anything. He thanked me for what I did for his sister.
Ricardo's hand places on my arm, "Can't sleep, Darlin'?" I turn over and I shake my head. "Anything I can do?" I shake my head. I move closer to him and pull his lips to mine. "So hot," he mumbles through our locked lips.
We undress and he finds a condom where he stashes them in the bedside table. He slides on a condom and he thrusts into me. I bury my face in his neck as I match his thrusts creating friction. He groans as we pick up the pace, we've always taken it slow but my body is responding to him. Something inside of me is lighting up. Not the fire that Flynn creates but a different type of pleasure.
I throw my head back and he sucks at my neck. It's building inside me thrust after thrust and it scares me. I'm hanging off the edge as he finds his release and it sets me off. I groan trying to ride through this odd orgasm. "Fuck, Darlin'."
He gets off me and we fall asleep. The day passes quickly and I make sure Ricardo has left before Miley is due to return. I clean the apartment top to bottom. I took Rex for a run before her arrival. I even changed the sheets on the bed. There's a knock at the door and I open it and Miley is fast asleep in Flynn's arms and I frown.
I've missed her and she's asleep. I take her from Flynn and I put her in bed for her to wake on her own accord. I return to the living room and Flynn is sat on my couch. "What are you doing?" I growl.
"I wanted to see how you were," I roll my eyes. I sit on the couch furthest away from him.
"Did she have a good time?"
"Yes, but she missed you like hell. Cried regularly, she needed you there, Riley."
"I can't be there anymore. I could only accept your bed when I was there." I cringe, "Nothing is the same. I want her to have all her family around her. I won't deny her that when I can't do it."
"There are plenty of rooms in the house. You don't have to have that room."
"It's not about the room Flynn," I sigh. "I just don't feel safe in that house."
"Why didn't you say?"
"Why should I? You protected me and now, you don't. I don't feel safe in the house, you made it bearable. Now, I can't face it."
"I don't know what to say."
"Don't say anything, I need you to leave."
"Fuck, stop pushing me out!"
"Don't shout at me, I can't let anyone in!"
"You let Ric in!"
"No, not how you think."
"Then tell me!"
"There's something about him that calms me. He can take the pain away for the shortest time. Some relief is better than nothing!"
"So you let him in." He repeats.
"No, although he likes me. He's dispensable."
"That's heartless, Riley."
"I don't have a heart. You crushed it and you took it." I whimper and he sighs. He slides towards me and cups my face. I push him off me.
"Shh," he says softly and he cups my face again.
"Please, I need you to leave. It hurts," I sob.
"I know," he agrees. "I'm sorry," he stands up and I shut my eyes. I hear the front door close and he's gone. I open my eyes and cry. I need to work harder to keep him out. I ignore all calls and text from Mom and Dad. Another week passes by in a blur.