When I wake Flynn is wrapped around me and I roll my eyes. I carefully climb out of bed and I change into some clothes. I walk out of his bedroom and down the hall. No one seems to be up yet, I check on Miley but she's still asleep. I go for a wee and then I walk downstairs and slide on a coat by the door and some trainers.
I leave the house taking Rex for a walk. I'd like to run but I'm getting too fat for that. Rex requires so much exercise. He needs more mental stimulation but I have a lot on my plate.
Looking after Miley is a full time job. Having a job and uni it's hard to find time. He gets two walks a day so he's not hard done by. I'm sure he'd follow me everywhere all day long if he was allowed.
I return home once I've walked him for an hour. I open the front door and I hear voices in the living room. Flynn looks pissed as hell as he makes his way to me. I shrug off the coat and slip off the shoes. "Where the hell have you been?" here we go.
"Out walking my dog. I don't have to explain myself to you."
"You should be resting, Riley! You only came out of hospital yesterday." I was but I still have responsibilities! I can't just ignore Rex.
"I'm pregnant not dying!" I shout and Mom comes towards us.
"Guys, keep it down please, you'll worry Miley." I roll my eyes and walk upstairs.
"Riley, I need to talk with you!" he growls as he follows me. I walk into the bathroom and try shutting the door but he runs through the gap like he has before. I lock the door and I start stripping in front of him. "Ri!" he growls.
"What, Flynn? I need a shower." This all feels like Da Ja Vu. I climb in the shower and turn it on. The hot water heats my skin and it's not long until Flynn joins me in the shower. Did I expect anything less? I scrub my body with the lavender shit.
"Ri, I need to talk to you!" Fucking hell, I want to bang my head against the wall.
"Then talk Flynn!" I raise my voice, "Just get on with it!" I continue scrubbing my body and he grabs my wrists.
"I want you back, Ri," he says looking into my eyes. I think I'm going to become mute, they don't listen to a word I say anyway.
"Well too bad, I told you if you left there was no coming back," I growl. I warned him and he still walked out on me. He chose to walk out on me.
"You don't mean that." I've wanted to hear those words for so damn long but now they leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
"Of course, I mean that! Your Riley died when you left, you aren't getting her back! You didn't want me then and you don't want me now! You are doing this out of obligation not because you love me. I will not be anyone's second best or because they think it's right."
"I know I've handled this poorly, Ri. I need to explain what I did. I need to make you understand." I roll my eyes and rest my back against the wall. "Your brother said he would never be okay with us. He told me to make a choice. Well, he didn't give me much of a choice really."
We've been through this. My brother should not have a say with my love life. It's not like Flynn is bad for me. He was good for me.
"Who cares? That's not what this is all about! You kissed Scarlett and then bedded her within 24 hours of leaving me." If I meant as much as he says I do then he wouldn't have done that. It was ages before I let Ric.
"I know, I needed to show Tyler that I could move on. I couldn't stay away from you, I hated that you saw that. How it literally knocked you over." I cringe at the memory, "I did fall for Scarlett, I admit that. I needed you to know that there would be no hope for us so that you could move on. Then Tyler literally begs me to take you back.
"How could you go rogue like that? I hated what I did to you. The way you would push everyone out. You were slipping away, I had to give you more time. Anger consumed me when I saw Ric getting closer to you. I couldn't stand it! Then you came banging on my door but you wouldn't accept my help.
"You were so scared and I just wanted to hold you but for both our sakes I had to refrain. And fuck Ri, when I saw you in a mess in the shower. I wanted to kill him! I didn't care that I needed you to move on. I had to hold you, I had to look after you. I don't think I've ever seen you that bad before! What was going on in your head?"
I just don't get why he was letting Tyler get to him. I would never tell Tyler who he can't and can't see. Look at Barbie, she was so wrong for him yet, I let him get on with it. I may have kicked her to the curb when he dumped her ass but I left him alone.
"I held on for so long, I wanted you to come back to me but I also didn't. I can't let you back in, Ric was the only thing in my life that was calm and normal. I needed to let go of you but I didn't realise how fucking hard it would be. You said you were glad I had Ric and that you were surprised. Well, guess what?
"I cried all the way through, I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, my whole body was tense. I gripped those bedsheets until it hurt. I needed him to do it but I died a little more inside. I was so sure that's what I wanted but time went agonizingly slow. When he finished I had to scrub but I felt like I cheated on you!"
"Ri," he whispers. "Christ, I didn't know it was that bad." What did he expect? I tried so hard to move on and be happy but it was only him for me. It's not even like it's my head refusing. My whole body did not like the intrusion.
"You were all glad I had someone! He didn't control me, he was nice but I'd rather be alone than feel like that," I put my hands on my head. He's normal, he can be with other girls. I can't so I guess I'm destined to be alone.
"You always pushed me out the next day. My birthday, I didn't think you would come. Your text was my hope. You had to wear that fucking dress! It's like you did it to tease me on purpose. You didn't eat and you were seriously worrying me. You were sick and I hated it.
"When you were all in my bed I was instantly hard." He gets closer to me and my heart thumps. "Why would you say you aren't beautiful because you are the most beautiful girl in the world." I roll my eyes. "That song Ri.
"It called to me on every single level. The energy flowing out of you, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You were so sad and when you looked right at me and sung to me. I don't want anyone else touching you. I don't want you loving another man.
"I saw the way your Dad was holding you and I wanted to kill him. You weren't even upset or worried. You were so far gone you didn't care if your Dad did that! You left after eating nothing all day. You even left on your own. I wanted to leave my own party to escort you home! You really infuriate me.
"I drank way too much and you were stuck on my mind. I tried to drink you out of my head but it did the opposite effect and before I knew it I was in your apartment. I was so happy when you were still wearing that dress. It almost felt like you were waiting for me." He grins at the memory.
In all fairness I didn't wear the dress to entice him. I just like the dress. Since he opened my world to colour, I don't shy away from different colours.
"When I was inside you, I didn't understand why I ever left you. You always made feel so much more. The next morning I had a killer hangover. To see you crying like that because of me. It killed me, I vowed to myself I would make sure you were okay instead of letting you push me away. Miley said you were always so sad.
"Your sickness really worried me. I thought it was kind of ironic that my touch could settle you after everything. I thought that having sex with you would remove a rift between us but I was wrong. You were still a pain in my ass. Weeks past and you grew more distant. When you texted me to say you wanted to speak I was curious as to what you had to say. That was the day you found out, right?"
"Yes, I felt really ill. I managed to get Miley to school and I messaged Jax to come over. I felt so ill I didn't want to be alone. He'd hardly got in the door before I fainted on him. He made me go to the doctors. She went on about my depression. I told her I was fine but she didn't believe me. She said my heart was abnormal which is why I fainted.
"She said that I was pregnant and I said she was wrong. She made me do the test and it was positive. She said it was too late for abortion, like it was even an option for me. Jax picked up my prescription and I went straight to tell you. I didn't know what I was going to say but I was going to. I heard you talking to Scarlett that you didn't want kids. You asked her to move in with you, you saw her in your future! I could not get between that!"
"Ri, what you have to understand is you changed me. You made me love, you made me a better person, you made a home for me. I loved Scarlett for sure but I didn't want her kids! In the back of my mind, I still saw hope with us. Hell, I've given you enough hints, Riley. I would never have unprotected sex with anyone else, even if I had proof that they couldn't have kids. I just wouldn't risk it.
"With you, I guess I didn't care. It's just another tie to you. I've always craved more ways to be more connected with you. The engagement ring, the unprotected sex, Miley! I want kids with you and no one else. I didn't want to marry Scarlett but I want to marry you."
Why did he leave me then? If I meant that much, why didn't he fight for me? There's no way I'd have let Tyler do that if I'd known.
"It's too late, Flynn. It would have been nice if you figured this out a little earlier."
"When you rang me to ask if I could have Miley overnight jealousy consumed me. Why else would you stay away from home for a night? I couldn't sleep wondering where you were. Your Mom rang me to ask if you were any better. That you were scared, I literally saw red.
"I had to find you where ever you were. When I pieced it together that you were in hospital my heart stopped. I trolled around the whole hospital until I found you. You looked the worst I've ever seen you. I was so angry with you that you didn't tell me. I know I handled it badly but if you had told me when you found out I would have swept you into my arms and kissed you over and over. I am so fucking happy that you are pregnant."
Would he though? If he gave up on us so easily, why would he be happy to have a baby with me? He makes no sense!
"You don't have the right to keep something this big from me. I should never have left you that day, I should have lost Tyler to be with you." Not lost Tyler, just told him to back the hell off. He should have fought harder.
I wash my hair as I'm getting tired stood like this, "Like I say, it's too fucking late. It's not like I didn't warn you, Flynn. I told you I wasn't doing this back and forth shit."
"Riley, I made a mistake. You can't hold it against me, I'm here, I want you," I push past him and wrap a towel around me. He turns the shower off and gets out the shower.
"I can hold it against you! I went through fucking hell for you to say, Oh no, I made a mistake, take me back like it never happened. No, Flynn! I can't do that!" I'm not a fucking mug. He can't walk all over me like that.
I unlock the bathroom and I leave the room not caring if he's in a towel yet. I walk to his room and I sit on the bed.
He walks in moments later, "Just let me in, Ri. Stop fighting this! I love you, Riley. Tell me you don't love me." It's not about me not loving him. I will always love him.
"I don't love you," he sighs. He comes towards me and he gets really close to me. I lean back as he inches closer to me. He crawls over me and my heart literally beats out of my chest. "Flynn," I whimper and he smirks.
"Say it again baby, tell me you don't love me," he's too close for me to think straight. His lips are inches from mine.
"I don't--" he cups my face and I have no idea what I was going to say. I turn my head so he can't kiss me. His lips graze against my neck and a moan escapes my lips.
"I have no idea why you are fighting me so hard because your body wants me, Ri." He touches my neck with his finger, "Your vein is thumping," he moves his hand and cups my breast, "You're nipples have hardened." I squirm, "And," he breathes deeply through his nose, "I can smell your arousal."
I don't need him to tell me how I feel about him. How my body reacts to him.
He has no shame, he cups my face again and makes me look at him, "As much as I'd love to claim you, I have to earn your trust back. I won't touch you until you ask me to," he kisses my forehead and climbs off me. I frown taking a deep breath. My body is screaming for more attention but my mind is glad for the space.
I don't think there is a way he can earn my trust back. James broke my trust long ago. I took a chance on Flynn and he showed me why I should not trust anyone.
I sit up and watch him as he gets changed. He smirks at me when he catches me staring. He walks towards me but bends down and roots through a bag. He pulls out my medication and I groan.
"Ri, don't be difficult on this, you know you need them." I nod and he sits next to me, he reads the dosage and slides the pills in my mouth.
I know I need my meds. I just like to be difficult in every way. It's who I am and I won't apologise for that. I won't apologise for being me.
He reaches to the bedside table and grabs some water for me and I swallow. He slides the heart tablets in too along with the vitamins. "Get dressed or I won't be able to control myself."
I roll my eyes and he sets my pills down on his desk and leaves the room. Like I'd let him do anything. I sigh, of course I bloody would which is why we're in this mess. I can never resist Flynn Archer.
I lay back on the bed and sigh. Things could have gone so differently if I had let him.
I haven't had a lot of time to think about his confessions. He always acted like he didn't care but he's now saying he did care but he was hiding it so I could move on.
I was never going to move on and he just made everything harder for me. I can't let him in again, I told him when he left me. He slept with her so soon, if he cared that much about me he wouldn't have run to someone else.
I get dressed and go to the bathroom and freshen up. I walk downstairs and I find Rex's food on the floor. Who the hell would put his food on the floor?
I put my hands on the bottom of the bag, "Don't you dare, Lee," Tyler growls and I roll my eyes.
"Tyler, I carried his food from the store to my apartment, I can handle lifting it on the side. I coped for months without you!" I'm a single mother, you just adapt to life.
He pushes me out the way, "Yes and that pisses me off. You are so careless," he lifts the bag onto the side for me. "I own a car, all you have to do is ask." It was a tinsy lie. Jax helped last time. I'm not so careless to do it whilst knowingly pregnant.
"I don't need you or anyone!" I could do things myself. As long as I'm careful, it's fine.
I pour some biscuits in Rex's bowl and I place it on the floor for him, "Yes you do you just don't like to admit it. It's okay Lee, you can't do this alone," he takes my hand.
"I can and I will, I'm alone. You wanted me alone so this is what you get!" I don't think I could ever forgive him for doing this to me. To learn he was the reason Flynn left.
"I thought you'd let him back by now," Tyler sighs and I snatch my hand back.
"Well, you thought wrong. He's never getting back in, I told you he destroyed the bridge to my soul. No one is getting in!" I walk to the back door and I let Rex out.
I watch as he roams the garden. He's such a good boy. Once he's done I shut the door and walk into the living room. "Happy birthday," I say to Mom and she gets up from the couch and puts her arms around me and I let her. It's her birthday after all. I let her have a hug, just this once.
"Thank you, Honey," she releases me. "I need to phone Biltmore, to cancel our booking. I obviously didn't know you were pregnant and I didn't know if you would definitely come."
"Why would you cancel it? You love going there on your birthday," I hate that I'd take her away from what she loves.
"Because I want to be around you on my birthday, I love that you are here," she frowns.
"Mom, it's tradition we always go. I've got this," I shrug.
"No honey, it's not safe."
"Tell them to give me a safe one, I could do this in my sleep. You know I could literally make a career out of it." She laughs and cups my face. Her prosthetic hand feels as real as her other hand.
"Yes, I know. I hate that you gave it up," I loved it for sure but since James, I stopped. I guess I thought my love for him was more important. "Are you sure? I'll need to check with them though."
"Course, don't tell Flynn where we are going, Miley is going to love it!" I say and she nods. She leaves the room and I walk to the couch and sit next to Ruby. "How much does Scarlett hate me right now?"
"She will come around," Ruby says but she doesn't sound hopeful. I wouldn't if I was her.
"I need to talk to her, she has to know this was not my intention," I lean my head on the back of the couch. I can persuade Flynn to get back with her in time. When he knows he's not getting back in.
"I think she's more pissed with Flynn. She knows how hard this has been on you," I sigh. "Congratulations by the way," I smile and she hugs me.
"Thanks," Tyler walks in and raises his eyebrows at us. He walks towards us and holds his hand out to Ruby and she takes it. He pulls her to her feet and dips her and kisses her and she giggles.
"Breakfast is ready," he announces and takes Ruby's hand and leads her out the room. I haven't seen my brother so smitten before. Although I recoil from PDA I'm glad he's found someone that makes him happy.
Miley comes running in and jumps on my lap, "Mommy, we are waiting for you."
"I'm coming baby," I reassure her. "It just takes me longer to get anywhere," I smile and she nods and runs out the room. I pull myself off the couch and shuffle to the dining room. They've all started to eat as I enter the room. I flop onto my chair and Miley sits on my lap.
I lean around her and fill my plate up scrambled eggs, sausages, bacon, beans, toast, mushrooms. I tuck in scoffing my face and Mom laughs, "It's so nice to see you eat well again," she smiles.
"I'm starving," I say with my mouthful. Once I've finished what's on my plate I go back for seconds. I wash it down with apple juice, man I miss my coffee's. I sit back in the chair and hold my stomach.
"Are you feeling sick?" Flynn says. I shake my head. He's always more active in the morning. Flynn frowns at me and I grab his hand and put it on my tummy. He growls, "What the hell is that?"
"He's moving around in here, he's always active at this time of day." Miley turns around and puts her hand next to Flynn's and she giggles.
"My baby brother," she giggles. I stroke her hair as she looks at my tummy.
I look at Mom and she's taken another picture. I never used to notice as I used to be so wrapped up in Flynn. I glare at her, "What?" she asks.
"This is not a Kodak moment," I growl.
"Yes, it is Honey. You are a family whether you like it or not." I move Flynn's hand off my tummy and I stand up with Miley in my arms. I leave the room and carry her upstairs. I dress her in some warm clothes as it will be chilly where we are going.
"Are you okay Mommy? Did Flynn do something wrong?" Yes, yes he did. Maybe not in that moment but he has.
I sigh, "I'm fine baby, no Flynn did nothing wrong." I don't want to hurt her.
"Then why are you mad at him?"
"It's complicated, baby."
"Why is it? You always told me you love Flynn in a different way to how you love me. He wants to be with us but you still hate him."
"I don't hate him, baby. Quite the opposite, I still love him just as much as I did before. I hope you never have to experience heartbreak because it really hurts. He broke my trust and I don't think I can trust him again."
"But he's sorry," she frowns. "When you say sorry it's supposed to make things okay." I sigh, I don't want to upset her.
"Honey, if I got a plate and dropped it and it shattered and I said sorry. The plate would never be the same. We could piece it back together but it will never be whole like it was. Saying sorry can fix a lot of things baby but it can't heal a broken heart."
"Is that what your heart looks like?" I nod and she climbs on my lap and kisses my heart over my hoodie. "I can fix it," she assures me and I hug her.
"You make me whole baby. You don't have to fix me. I love you so much, you keep my heart beating." She nods and I stand with her in my arms and walk back downstairs. When we get downstairs they are all waiting for us. Flynn takes Miley off me and I hold my back.
Tyler comes to me and whispers in my ear, "Flynn is going to kill you for this," Tyler jokes and stands up straight and smirks at me. I shove him and he laughs. He is going to kill me for this family tradition but he doesn't control me.
Mom and Dad get in their car and the rest of us get in Tyler's car. It's really fucking awkward being this close to Flynn and not being able to touch him. Well, I can but I don't want to. Close proximities make it so much worse. Something around us just charges and it's been stronger than ever lately.
The car journey takes a couple of hours. Once we are at the destination and I push Flynn out the way. He curses at me, "What is your hurry, Ri?"
"I need a wee," I whine and I run the best I can to the toilet. I sigh with relief, bloody pregnancy, I have to pee all the time.
When I exit the toilet I make sure Miley goes to the loo too. We walk on-site, "Hey guys, nice to see you again," Reece says. He's about my age and he normally takes our tour.
"Hey," Mom and Dad say.
"A few newbies, huh?" Reece says eying them up. We walk around the corner and Miley screams.
"Honey," I hush her. "You need to be very quiet around them," she holds her mouth and nods excitedly. I take her hand and walk her to the horses. I teach her how to pat them correctly.
"Riley, she will need to be fitted for a hat first. Here's yours," Reece says and passes me my hat. I slide it on and it fits like a glove.
"No frickin' way," Flynn growls and I roll my eyes. I walk to reception so Miley can get fitted for a hat. "You aren't doing this!"
Charlotte helps Miley and Ruby with a hat. I ignore Flynn and he grabs my hand. "Let me go," I say harshly.
"It's dangerous," he glares at me.
"Yes, it is!" I growl. "Except these horses are dobbins and I can actually ride, quite well actually. You wanted me home for my Mom's birthday so this is what it involves." Once Miley has been fitted with a helmet she runs to me and takes my hand. "You had better get fitted for a hat or you'll be left behind." He scowls at me and I walk out reception.
YOU ARE READING
Forever Lost
عاطفيةThird instalment of her lost souls. Riley needs to build her life back up after her soul mate Flynn left her for good. Pushing out her loved ones. She's forever lost, can Flynn ever reach her again?
