SA PAG-UGNAY (Soul Ties 2)

Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

'You have disappointed me in so many ways, son. Don't ever make a mistake in front of me EVER AGAIN because once this happens again, you do not have my trust anymore. I will take everything you have right now because yours was always mine to begin with. You are nothing without me, Yannick. Always remember that.'

'Yon agad ang sumalubong sa araw ko. Isang text. Tila isang sampal. Mas malakas pa sa kape kung manggising.

But it did not surprise me anymore. I already expected it. Kaunti na nga lang ay wala ng bigat ang mga salita mula sa kaniya.

Or that is what I'm still learning to do all these years.

Inhale. Exhale.

I deeply inhaled to give my lungs the oxygen they needed. And I let out a heavy breath, like it could get rid of the intangible, sharp object that has been stuck inside me. I've been doing that in front of the mirror of the bathroom since I read that message.

Lagi naman siyang disappointed sa akin. Wala ng bago. Buong buhay ko, hindi na yon bago. Kung hindi nagbago si Papa, mas lalong hindi nagbago ang epekto niya sa'kin.

Lagi niya namang sinasabi 'yan, pero lagi din akong nadudurog.

I think it's my talent, like a cursed gift. That I can love someone without limit, like I have so much love to give them that I forget to spare some for myself.

To feel things and be affected by the people I love for as long as I could. If they wanted to hurt me, I would mindlessly let them hurt me. I won't even bother to get vengeance for the pain they inflicted on me.

I will handle the pain all by myself as long as I have them, as long as I can please them, and as long as I still have love left to give. And the way I can endure that kind of pain for a very long time is insane.

Kasi akalain mo 'yon, ang taas pala ng pain tolerance ko?

Minsan ay naaawa na ako sa sarili ko. I have always wanted to please them. I have always tried to keep them. But at what cost?

Bumagsak ako sa sahig. Nasapo ko ang aking dibdib nang manikip yon. I started to have shortness of breath. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I started to see white. I desperately gasped for air, trying to catch oxygen for my restricted lungs.

This is not the first time I have experienced this. I know better. I'm not going to die, but I feel like I'm going to die today. Early in the morning.

Pinilit kong inabot ang bote ng gamot sa side table ng kama. Bumagsak ang maliit ng orasan nang matagumpay kong nakuha ang gamot. Nanginginig kong binuhos ang pills sa palad ko at agad na ininom ang isang tableta.

I tried my hardest to swallow the tablet for my panic attack, despite the bitterness it left on my taste buds.

No one knows I've kept something like this with me. No one knows I have anxiety that spirals when triggered. A doctor had me on check when fear started to cripple me that I was on the verge of dying. That harsh voice is always lulling me to sleep. Pressure piling up made me insane. I wish people I consider family should start being kind with their words to me.

I wish they spoke softly to me.

I wish they would be gentle with me.

My breathing slowly became normal. My chest pain went away, and the waves of emotions calmed. My thoughts became silent. I'm suddenly feeling deaf.

Parang bigla ay namanhid ako. Sana nga ay manhid na lang ako.

No one knows I suffer like this in the dark. They would see me as someone who always figures everything out. That I always got everything easy. That's the type of person I am to them. That I never struggle at all.