SA PAG-UGNAY (Soul Ties 2)

Chapter 24

CHAPTER 24

Ilang araw akong sinamahan nila Khiel at Altheria sa condo. Bumalik na rin ako sa trabaho kaya naman parang natanggalan ng malaking tinik sa lalamunan si Jerry.

Isang gabi ay dinalaw ako ni Mama sa unit dahil nalaman niya sa dalawa ang nangyari sa akin.

Syempre, pinaulanan niya ako ng sermon. Pero pagkatapos noon ay umiyak siya nang mapunta sa gamot ko ang usapan.

Ang dami niyang naging tanong sa kung ano ang nararamdaman ko, kung ano ang pakiramdam, at kung tuwing kailan 'yon nangyayari.

Sinagot ko ang mga tanong niyang 'yon, pero hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot sa tuwing kailan 'yon nangyayari. Dahil wala naman 'yong schedule kung kailan 'yon aatake.

I've secretly attended therapy a few times back then in order to control and manage it. I don't want it to affect my work, especially when I'm busy.

But when I told my therapist about that logic, she said: so you're only doing this for the sake of your work and not for yourself?

And I swear, I have never felt so guilty as I did that day. Doon palang qouta na ako.

Oo nga, 'no? Bakit ibang bagay muna bago ako? Bakit ibang tao muna bago ako?

So I attended therapy secretly again. I learned to name my fears and talk to them. Until slowly, it's hard, but I learned to accept them as part of me.

In my case, avoidance is the cause of it all. So I had to face my fears. It was a simple quote: face your fears, but it was so hard to do it. I've always wanted to run away, with everything and shut down the world for a while.

But running away has nothing good to offer anyway. Running away doesn't mean you ended things officially. Running away means you're just delaying things until the time comes when they drown you. It drowns you that you can't run away anymore.

In order to find this job fulfilling and less scary, with my father in mind, I should find validation in myself and the people I worked with. In that way, I can find pleasure in controlling my life.

And later on, I accepted to myself the fact that I grew up with an emotionally abusive father. Rooted in childhood that caused me spiraling anxiety as I became an adult.

Kwinento ko rin 'yon kay Mama nang sa gayon ay maramdaman niyang magaan sa loob ko ang pagbabahagi ko nito sa kaniya.

Nakakailang sa totoo lang.

Nakakahiya rin.

I feel like an open book now. I feel so naked. But she embraced me with her warm hug, as if telling me that I am not alone. I don't have to face this alone.

"I'm here..." she whispered in my ears.

I hugged her back and closed my eyes.

Bilang panganay, nakatatak na sa isip ko na ako ang pangalawang tatay ng mga kapatid ko at katuwang ni Mama sa lahat.

Kapag may problema ako, dapat kaya kong i-handle at solusyunan 'yon. I'm the pillar of my family; I don't want to be a burden.

But it backfired to me in the end. It made me miserable.

Ilang taon kong tinago 'to sa kanila dahil masyado akong bilib sa sarili na mawawala rin 'to. I thought I would be healed after a few months or so.

But healing isn't linear. Naaapektuhan at nasasaktan pa rin ako sa mga bagay na akala ko okay na ako. And we all heal differently. So it's okay if our progress is slow, at least we manage to move a bit, that's still a progress, you know...