01 | Ikaw Ang Aking Musika

Kabanata 24.

Fine

TW: mention of sickness, anxiety

Maybe this is how it starts.

Sa Uno.

Nagsimula ang bilang sa uno.

I can still remember how the passionate fire inside of me was burning when I first stepped in Hiraya Boulevard, in front of one of the biggest schools nationwide, NLU. I can feel the flame to do my best and ace everything to be able to graduate and get the diploma I always wanted for my family.

I dreamed— nangarap ako na makapagtapos, makakuha ng magandang trabaho pagkatapos, makapasa ng board exam. I thought a lot na paano kaya kung nakuha ko na yung dream proffession ko and I am now working? Ano kayang mangyayari sa'min? Yung mga iniisip ko ba dati na magandang resulta after ko makapasa, magkakatotoo? I wanted to bring out my best lalo naʼt scholar ako. Na dapat, wala akong mababang grades, walang bababa, kasi 'yon ang dapat. And it's because I loved my family dearly too. I loved Tita Jia and Mama to the point that I wanted to give anything for them.

Ayokong bumalik nang wala akong nakukuha para sa kanila. Gusto ko na bumalik ako ro'n na may diploma na maipapakita sa kanila. And I am here in Manila because of them. I sacrificed almost everything too, even though deep inside— ayoko ring umalis.

Dos. Pangalawa.

The storyline continues. Here the thrill goes.

I worked restless and sleepless nights that I reached here. Umabot ako rito sa puntong 'to. I met friends, I met new people. I was able to overcome a lot of fears and live alone. I am capable of taking care of myself. I became independent. Kinaya ko yung unang taon kahit gustong-gusto ko nang umuwi, bumalik ulit kina Mama at sumuko. I wanted to quit. I was homesick.

Umiiyak pa nga ako noʼn dahil hindi ko kayang gawin yung mga bagay na dati ay sila mama pa ang gumagawa para saʼkin. That's when I realized I became dependent on them and now, I had to learn everything on my own. I couldn't even cook well that I would always end up with cuts and burns.

But maybe, may mga bagay nga talaga sigurong kapalaran mong matutunan. You get hurt, you stand up, you learn. That's a cycle. Ako, I learned a lot. I am sure of that. Someone even held me for good here. Ace had.

May mga bagay nga ring lumilihis sa paraang gusto mo. Hindi lahat umaayon sa kung anong gusto mong mangyari. No matter how hard you tighten the grip, it would always end up being untighten and out of hand. No matter how loud everyone cheers for you to grip it harder, you would always end up slipping the rope down your palms na parang ang tagal-tagal mo nang nakakapit at nakakangalay na. Palaging palihis. Pero kasama ba talaga roʼn yung bilang na ikatlo?

Kasi ayoko.

Dito lang ako, ayokong umalis sa tabi ni Uno.

Kasi sa tres, sa ikatlo, dito na kami unti-unting nauubos pareho.