01 | Ikaw Ang Aking Musika

Kabanata 30

After 3 years

["Haven't you heard? Magcoconcert sila riyan! I swear to God, Zamir Jade Lopez, pinigilan ko sila at nagbigay din ako ng napakaraming dahilan!"]

Tulala ako. Hindi ako makagalaw habang nagrereplay sa utak ko lahat-lahat nang sinabi sa'kin ni Sol.

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!

Okay. I am trying to fucking calm myself down.

Kahit alam kong hindi ko magagawa.

Kanina pa ko pabalik-balik nang lakad sa kwarto ko. I was panicking and trying to calm myself down— trying not to think of anything negative. Gusto kong maiyak at magkulong na lang sa kwarto sa buong maghapon. I just want to stay in my room all day at yakapin ang plushies ko.

Kung ano-ano talagang pumapasok sa utak ko. I haven't heard of him since then. Ang tagal na nung last ko siyang nakausap and it's been three years after that. Hindi ko rin nakikita ang mga kaibigan niya na kaibigan ko na rin maliban kay Benj.

Then, it hit me. Ang daming pwedeng mangyari habang nandito sila sa San Francisco. What if magkita talaga kami? What if magmeet kami sa bayan? What if—

Nahihirapan akong huminga dahil sa pagpapanic ko. Pero ano naman kung magpeperform yung banda nila dito 'di'ba? Ano naman sa akin kung papunta sila rito sa San Francisco? Ano naman kung mananatili sila dito for a few days?

Ano bang pakialam ko?

Pagod ang katawang binagsak ko ang sarili sa couch ko sa kwarto. Pinulot ko si Dos doon at niyakap nang mahigpit. This is the only way I could calm myself. Ayoko na talagang mag-isip ng kung ano-ano.

It's been a year since I last saw him— in Tokyo. Sa Shibuya Crossing.

I had a hard time right after that day and was relapsing again. Isang araw akong hindi lumabas ng kwarto at umiyak lang nang umiyak mag-isa. No matter how hard my friends and Tita tried reaching me out, I just shut everyone out there. Nagmukmok ako sa kwarto ko.

Well, I experienced a tons of relapse even before that. Naaalala ko siya sa mga simpleng bagay sa buhay ko. One morning, I would just remember him over coffee. He loves morning coffee. On a sunny afternoon, I would remember him over his favorite show. At night, it would just slip into my mind how often he tells me about stargazing and such. At midnight, our memories would hit me again and again.

But that one after Japan was just the worst one I had over the years.

There's even this time that I would wear his clothes unintentionally. I would feel so homesick that I could cry. His smell was stuck around his clothes like glue.

Everything was so hard that I could choose just to give up— but I didn't. Pinangako ko sa sarili ko na I'll try harder kahit hindi na talaga ako makaahon. I tried to distract myself a hundred times, and did so much work so I could work it all out. Ginawa ko lahat-lahat at nag-focus na lang sa trabaho.