Stupid Love

43

"It's been months since I've wrote," I type as my headphones blast "So far away" by staind. I begin to zone out, remembering how I got here. This cold place, this dark room.

"to sum it all up in a dumb little chapter, Ruby claimed to be taken advantage of. Little does she know what I went through during that time and she never needs to know." I write, I lose my temper and throw my headphones across the room. My head swirling, "You keep me wondering what I did wrong." That was a blanton lie, "I know I've done people wrong in the past. I was stupid I admit that, hell they probably feel how I feel about you Ruby. But I don't think I ever tried to double down on justifying it." I type, rolling my eyes. Wondering if my past just catches up with me and this is my future.

I look back over at the clock, 11:48pm, December 24th 2023. I get up and walk towards my kitchen, I grab a soda and a shadowy outline of a person hunched down catches my attention in the corner of my eye.

I wanted to be scared, I wanted to say something. But no, I remember this figure. It followed me to my hotel and woke me up at 3am on a work night, the next day I got as sick as I've ever been. Looking into this figure, I saw something as broken as me. I grabbed my soda and walked back into my office.

Going from a co decorated room to just a white empty room with my chair and desk seemed so bland to the normal person. I couldn't help it, I moved everything by myself. If I was gonna go on this adventure, I wanted to know what it felt like to be alone. The cold air seeps through the window, -60 degree weather is no joke. "The bitter air, as if a thousand knives have been thrown at me, but yet it wasn't as cold as your heart." I wrote, I hesitated as I deleted it. "move on dude." I said to myself. I wonder, "would I really have spent a holiday about love and giving alone if things went differently? Would I feel the embrace of darkness and the sense of invisibility or would i have been as happy as when we first met. Before you broke me,"

I shoot my friends and family a text, wishing them a merry christmas. Just as finish sending my last one I shut off my phone. It's been weeks since I've talked to my friends, days since I've talked to my family. I never wanted to bother them.

I look back at my screen, and continue writing. "Ruby saw me for the last time a few days ago. She finally met my family, I would've wrote about the smut but in all honesty I couldn't even look at her during it. She did the same thing to him, good fuck their relationship. Just like they fucked mine. The thought that I even went to see her sickened me, but I did it because she wanted me to. I wish she killed that part of me too," I put my hands on my head and sigh.

"one of the last things she told me was that she wanted me to be a new person. Someone better, I had a feeling she wanted to take credit for it, but you can't take credit for someone changing. Take credit for the person you killed because they're never coming back." I wrote,

I clicked save, and publish as I shut off my computer. I get up and walk to my bedroom, that same comforter and pillows from when we lived together burns my heart. My force of habit went to look at my phone, but I blocked Ruby the other day. She wanted to be friends, someone she could talk to. All because she trusted me. Funny how that works.