𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐀 𝐏𝐬𝐲𝐜𝐡𝐨

𝟏𝟑

𝐅𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐁𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭?

Dedicated to
SagarikaKalita1
for all the votes🫶

𝐀𝐄𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐀

I have been awake since four in the morning.

Usually I wake up at six and go for a morning walk at the lake but it's past eight right now and today I neither have the energy nor the will to go.

My eyes stay glued to his wounded hand, he just got a new project which involves the use of his hands all the time and now he had to get that deep cut.

It looks painful and I don't know how he is so calm about it.

He was calm about the cut.

But he was literally tense when I said I found dead roses at the dogwood tree in the morning.

And a part of me is paranoid for it.

Is it just weird coincidence or....I don't even know what to think.

May be its just because I don't like roses it's bothering me so much, had it been lilies I wouldn't even have cared.

Unless they also came with thorns and pricked him.

I am pissed at whoever left those ugly thorny bunch of roses.

A part of me is still reeling from the what if Nevan was the one who held the rose and got pricked.

God, I am so angry.

I am angry that I fanited at the slighest sight of the blood rendering me absolutely helpless when he needed my help.

I hate it so much.

I snap out of my staring contest with his hand rubbing soft circles over it, when I feel small arms wrap around my neck.

I glance down on my chest at my little baby boy, sleeping peacefully holding me.

I was more scared of Nevi having an asthma attack when he saw me faint.

I feel so terrible the effect my episodes has on him.

Growing up this five years he has witnessed me faint and have episodes that scared him of losing me.

And I know watching your parent slip in and out of consciousness by being triggered is such a traumatizing sight.

I know how it feels.

I know it so well.

And that's why I hate it knowing, he is having trauma response to everytime I freak out and faint.

I feel so guilty, like whenever he has even a slighest cut and there is blood, I can't handle it without having episode. May be not as intense like the one I had last night, but it still would be make me immobile.

And what a shitty mother move is that?

I hate how understanding my five year old is, whenever he scratches his knee or something while playing he would be like-

"Mommy don't look at my knee, just look at my eyes. Its okay I will wash it."

I want him to grow up and be mature but not forced to be mature.

Like I was.

I want him to be a kid.

Cause he is still a kid, he doesn't need to grow up so fast, be understanding like an adult. I want him to be a clueless little kiddo not worrying about how his mommy has C-PTSD episodes everytime she sees blood and be all adult about it.