Against the dark Hearts

Lying to myself

Approximately two months had passed. It was a Wednesday and we had Defense Against the Dark Arts class. We were practicing Confringo. Today there were only practice dummies, and I was hesitant with my wand, not wanting to put too much power and too much will into my spells, because I was afraid of what would happen.

Professor Hecat took me aside after a while, "Ms. Hawkins, we both know you can do better," she said, pointing to the dummy that had barely been touched.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Poppy and Imelda looking at me with concern.

I had been slipping, not just a little, my attention had waned in Charms, I had blown up a cauldron in Potions, and now I was firing matches at dummies.

"I'm sorry, Professor, I'm not quite with it," I said, and my gaze briefly wandered past her to the Slytherin who had been complicating my thoughts for weeks. "Ms. Hawkins, I was also sixteen once," Professor Hecat said now, placing a hand on my shoulder, "put all the frustration over the thing that's bothering you into the exercise," she advised, then turned away from me.

She wasn't wrong, maybe this was the right outlet. I stood in front of my practice object again and raised my wand, but when I tried to put all my frustration into the next spell, only a spark came out of my wand. It wasn't that easy, I wasn't frustrated, I was angry, I was so incredibly angry that it was eating me up.

Then so be it, I thought and tried to channel all the anger, focusing it on the dummy and aiming my wand at it. "Confringo," I whispered, thinking it would dampen the power a bit, but I was wrong. A red ball of light shot out of my wand and zoomed towards the dummy,

I closed my eyes because I knew what was going to happen. When I opened them again, the dummy was torn to pieces and lying on the floor by the wall where I had thrown it.

The wall behind it was black as a piece of coal and I drew in a sharp breath, "Fuck," it escaped me and I turned guiltily to Professor Hecat who was looking at me incredulously. "That's what I meant!" she exclaimed, and I stared at her just as incredulously, "Where was this power for the last few weeks?" she asked me loudly, so that everyone could hear. I wanted to sink into the ground again.

"That was exactly what I was afraid of," I whispered more to myself, everyone was staring at me, most of the looks were approving, but Poppy knew.

She looked at me with that look, like you would look at an injured horse before the mercy shot. She knew there was something there. I felt sick again, this was too much attention and I felt like the world was spinning. I was relieved when Professor Hecat ended class at that moment and I ran out onto the Hogwarts grounds.

Poppy ran after me and called me. I couldn't stop now, I knew that if I didn't keep running, the tears that I had held back for so long would break loose and never let me go again.

But she caught up to me and pulled on my sleeve, eventually bringing me to a stop, and I felt the weight of my anger and all the other emotions weighing me down. I sank to my knees and felt my eyes burn as tears streamed down my cheeks.

I couldn't breathe, it felt like I was on fire. Poppy wrapped me in an embrace and held me tightly. I buried my face in her neck and just cried, "I'm here for you," she said gently, and only those words made me feel safe for a moment. "Poppy, I can't do this anymore," I said between sobs, and she gently stroked my back. "Hey, you two," I heard Natty's voice as she squatted down beside us in the grass, and then I felt a second hand stroking my back.

I cried for a few more minutes until I pulled away from her and wiped the tears from my cheeks. Poppy stroked my cheek, each touch gentle as if she might hurt me otherwise. Natty put an arm around me. Neither of them said anything, but I knew what they were thinking.

"We almost kissed," I said, and their looks said it all. They wanted to know more, but they didn't ask because they knew they had to give me time. "We both had a few drinks and then I left the party to be alone, and then he followed me, and I don't know," I paused briefly and took a deep breath, "Suddenly his face was so close to mine, and then you guys called for us, and now he doesn't remember, but I do, I remember," I said now, and my voice sounded thin and fragile. "Oh no, Beth," Natty said, stroking my arm. "I thought this year would be easier, but I'm telling you, I'd rather fight a mountain troll than this," I said, and behind us, we heard laughter.

His laughter.

I flinched slightly. "Elizabeth Hawkins, would rather fight mountain trolls than be bored at Hogwarts," he said, standing in front of us.

His tousled brown hair shone golden in the sun, and he looked like the sun god himself had blessed his skin. I wondered how long he had been standing there, had he heard about the kiss or had he just arrived in earshot when I mentioned the troll? "I'm just the best troll hunter at Hogwarts," I said, pretending to be cheerful, he laughed.

"And the best at blowing up combat dolls," he held up a small piece of metal, "I brought this as a souvenir," he said, holding it out to me, "for you," it was probably a piece of the doll I had just blown up. "Wow," I said, taking it, I didn't know what this gesture meant, had he noticed that I had been avoiding him lately and wanted to make up for it?

The situation was strange, Poppy and Natty stared at me and then at Sebastian, while we just looked at each other, he smiled, it was a genuine, sincere smile, completely marked by pure affection. I knew that smile, it was the same one he had given me when we danced on the clearing. I had to get it out of my head. We were best friends, and it should stay that way. Nothing would destroy this friendship, not even me in a fit of blind infatuation. There were enough other people at Hogwarts that I could have a crush on, it didn't have to be Sebastian. He was my partner when problems arose that needed to be solved, my best friend. Nothing more and nothing less