YOU HAVE ME ~ JAKE SULLY

12.5

Taking a page out of another authors book, I can't remember who or what book, but they did these 'half chapters.' Essentially the chapter is just shorter than full length chapters. So, that's what this one is!

Also, we do have a couple of time skips around this section of the book. I've been making sure that it clearly states the time skip either at the top or throughout the chapter so it's easier to keep up with, ik time in books is a hella weird construct. 

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Two more weeks later: 3 Months since the incident

I've been thinking about the file I saw Jake reading for the past month now. His behavior was weird when I walked in. Jake has very keen senses, and he observes everything.

A pen could drop in a loud room and he would know who dropped it and where they were standing. I walked in and he didn't even realize it until I spoke.

I've also been thinking a lot about what happened two weeks ago. The way Jake stood so close to me, I could take one step closer and be completely engulfed by him.

Jake is different, there's something in him that changed after the incident.

Whether it was good or bad, I wasn't sure.

He looked at me differently, it was the same intimidating eyes but the emotion that flashed behind them was different. Maybe even a mix of different emotions, but my current state wouldn't allow me to unravel it any further than that. A simple observation.

It's been three months now and I'm starting to feel better but not entirely. I'm trying though, genuinely.

I feel like everyone has placed this expectation on me, wanting me to hurry up and get over it. Or maybe I've placed that expectation on myself. I'm not entirely sure.

Jake and I have been in a weird place. He's not mad at me, and he's trying to be gentle on me, I can tell. But, I haven't made it easy on him. I'm quick to anger and I'm certainly argumentative. It's almost like emotions such as sadness, happiness, joy, pride, and adventure are all gone and all that's left is anger, resentment, and pain.

Plus the occasional happy spurts, if you can even call them that, that led to Jake and I's child-like banter.

I've taken a lot of those emotions out on Jake in the past three months. A part of me is starting to feel guilty inside because I can see in his eyes how much he cares for me and wants to be there for me, but so many parts are screaming at me to push him away.

I'm afraid I'm accomplishing that without wanting to.

He's had to pull the title card multiple times. It's definitely put a hold on whatever weird friendship we were forming. If friends suddenly included being flirty and standing way too close to one another.

Despite all of this, moments like two weeks ago happen. When the fog in my brain has lifted enough for me and Jake to actually interact.

When we both have that look in our eyes that says we just want each other. When we stand so close to each other that I'm left shivering when he finally steps away.

I just want it to end. Even if all I feel is sadness, it's better than feeling empty.

But at the same time, I'm terrified, because when those emotions come back, they don't just come back over time. It's like a floodgate has been opened.

The flood of emotions that my body has been suppressing to protect me, will all hit me all at once.

Over the next few hours, after it hits, I go through phases of emotions. Sadness, grief, happiness, joy, anger, sadness again. And sometimes I have to go through all of them alone.

I broke out of my thoughts as soon as I heard Mian walk through the front of the house, holding a basket of fruit.

I looked up from my spot on the couch, where I had been sitting and thinking for about an hour now. I tried to smile at him and he gave me a small smile back, but all I could see was the pain in his eyes from seeing me like this for so long.

He set down the basket in the kitchen, pulling out a fruit and cutting it up before placing it in a wooden bowl and walking over to me. He extended the bowl to me saying, "Here Ness, you need to eat something."

I took the bowl in my hands, holding it and looking down at it. I just stared at the bowl for a moment, maybe longer than I realized because eventually Mian had sat down and placed his hand on my shoulder, "Ness, are you okay?" He asked me, speaking softly so as to try not to frighten me.

Everyone was always walking on eggshells around me, treating me like fragile glass that would break at any given moment.

They were so focused on being gentle with me that they never noticed I was already broken, and I needed help putting myself back together.

"I'm okay..." I responded, looking up at him. I could tell he carried the weight of what was happening on his shoulders. "I don't want to be like this anymore, Mian. I'm so drained and exhausted from feeling nothing." I whispered out to him.

His brows drew together, tilting his head to the side and letting out a breath. His face filled with sadness, "Nessa," he put a hand on my face.

Mian was always good at knowing when words weren't needed and when he only needed to give someone his presence.

My mother use to tell us that many people make it worse by trying to sympathize with something they don't understand.

That, in reality, it doesn't help the person who needs to lean on you but it only makes you feel better that you tried to talk to them about it. She said that it was a selfish approach, and if someone needed to lean on you, you simply only need to give them your presence.

Perfect words don't take away immense pain and suffering.

I fell into Mian's chest, him taking the bowl of fruit from my hands and setting it on the coffee table before wrapping his arms around me. I still didn't feel much, but all I knew is that I wanted comfort. I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist, just trying to feel literally anything.

"I don't wanna do this anymore, Mian. I don't want to feel empty anymore." I said into his chest.

I knew this was a good sign, I was going from not caring and being completely emotionless to wanting so badly just to feel something.

I heard Mian hum in response, rubbing my back gently, "I know, Ness." He whispered, "I'm here, whatever you need."

We just sat there in silence. I tried everything in me to conjure up some sort of emotion, but it wasn't working. I began to get frustrated, I know that I'll return to my normal self in due time but I was over it at this point. Every time this happens, the time it takes me to recover becomes longer.

A part of me feels like I'm being dramatic, that it wasn't a big deal and I need to get over it. But I know that isn't true.

It wasn't the panic attack or even the fact that he was holding a knife to my throat, I'm a warrior, I've been in worse situations.

It was the way he was holding me, his arm across my waist, holding my arms down at my sides so I couldn't move. The flashbacks came flooding in and it reminded me of...

I finally pulled away from Mian, and he pulled back too, leaving his hands on my shoulders. He looked me in the eye, smiling gently, "In due time, Ness." He said, reassuring me that I will return back to normal, it was only a matter of time.

I smiled lightly back at him, turning and picking the bowl of fruit back up and eating it.

He was right, I did need to eat something.

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Lowkey not the biggest fan of this chapter, which is why it's only a half chapter 💀

Hang in there with me y'all, i sweaarrrr it picks back up. I like writing super far ahead so I basically have the book written to 22 chapters and I actually love the way it's coming together.

Thank you to the people who are consistently coming back, hopefully the book starts picking up some real traction soon (fingers crossed)