YOU HAVE ME ~ JAKE SULLY

22

Trigger Warnings: talk of childhood abuse and abuse in general.

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We've been sitting here in silence for five minutes now. I think he got the idea this wasn't a simple conversation about three minutes into the silence.

Jake's back is still pressed against the headboard, his leg bent with the other leg bent underneath it. I sat in front of, and to the side, of him with my legs crossed.

It's hard to find the words, where do I even start?

Everytime my lips part to open my mouth, I just shut it again.

Everytime my eyes move to look at him, anxiety welds in my stomach.

Everytime the words start to come out, they hit my throat like sand paper. Scratching their way back down to the pit of my stomach.

How do you tell the person you're growing to love all the trauma you've experienced?

Jake is just sitting in it with me, patiently waiting for the moment I start talking. And somehow that makes me feel guilty, like I should have started talking by now. But it's comforting to know that Jake doesn't care, and he'd sit here with me for twenty-four hours in silence, if that's what I needed.

"It's customary in my clan to start warrior and hunter training at six years old," I just spit it out. It was random, but somehow felt entirely connected.

There it was. Random words lingering in the air around us, because I didn't say anything else after that. I looked over at him, he was just gently smiling at me.

"I wouldn't know much about it, earth is just a bit different," He joked, eyes soft, slight smile still on his lips.

It wasn't forced, like someone trying to cut through thick air with the first thing that came to their mind. It was natural, and gentle, encouraging me to keep going.

I looked away from Jake, but continued, "I was excited- really excited- when I first started. It wasn't a chore back then... it was like a small competition that never really meant anything, trying to be better than the person next to you."

I bit my lip in thought, saddened by the memories of that little girl, so happy and unaware of what would unfold. With the nice, fun, trainer she thought was so cool.

"It wasn't long after I started training that I excelled above the rest of my age group. My trainer eventually gave me a choice: I could stay with my group, train under my true level, or start private lessons. My parents decided to put me in private lessons with our trainer... they saw no reason I should stay behind just to be with my friends..." I trailed off.

I don't blame my parents, but parts of me wonder if it would've still happened if I didn't take private lessons with him.

"I loved him- like really loved him. He had a way with kids, was funny and charismatic, and he was one of the best warriors in the clan," the words taste like bitter coffee in my mouth, the kind that makes you cough after taking a sip.

"It seems cruel and sadistic now that I look back at it... the fact he was good with kids, I mean. It makes me wonder."

I looked back at Jake, his eyes were focused on my face, glancing over every curve so he could read my facial expressions. I was blurting out whatever came to mind, but it seemed like he was following.

"It started out so slow... hugs that lingered too long, a hand being placed too low on my back," the bitter taste was gone, replaced with a dryness that had me wondering if I swallowed a cotton ball.